Strategies for not judging friends who let you down ethically?

[Anonymous]

OP,
I'd make some new friends. I'm sure I know people who skate the tax code, but I don't know because they aren't the kind of people to brag about it. I think underpaying the house cleaner is callous and the cat story is beyond cruel. The cat likely froze or starved or was eaten. I'd be very tempted to ask her how she thought Fluffy might be fairing in several feet of snow. Actually having the animal euthanized would have been more humane. I think that you will be more comfortable finding more similar friends to hang with (or at least those that keep their private transgressions to themselves).

[Anonymous]

Absolutely ditch the cat killer and show her this post while your doing it. Maybe have a list of psychiatric clinics to hand to her. I'm sick about that and I'm a dog person!

[Anonymous]

Judge away. These sounds like ass-holish behaviors, to me. The second and third, in particular. Anyway, you're under no obligation to be friends with people whose behavior you don't like. So judge away, as far as I'm concerned. Either you dump them, they'll dump you, or you'll have some really excellent discussions about philosophy and ethics.

[Anonymous]

I do judge my friends for stuff like that. Or for cheating on their taxes, or for having shady business practices. Or for just treating people poorly. I've stopped associating with people for stuff that I thought was particularly egregious, if it was a pattern of behavior. I don't need sketchy friends; I have enough who aren't sketchy. If it's something minor and they were a terrific person otherwise, I might subtly try to gradually get them to understand why something they were doing was ethically dubious. But I probably wouldn't press the issue.

The cat thing is cruel, but I can see how a stupid, clueless person wouldn't see the harm in it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would be very uneasy if my friends told me they did these things. They would shift to friendships in the category of "nice to have dinner with on a rare occasion but not really to be considered close." I don't think it's judgmental to have problems with their actions and I wouldn't pursue their friendship. On the other hand, I don't think self-righteous anger is necessarily called for either, which is what thought you were going to describe.

Here's a question -- what constitutes being "judgmental" for you? You're not being a self-righteous asshole (what I associate with the way you used "judgmental") if you have a problem with your friends' actions. Plus I would worry that if they're willing to treat other people and animals that way, do they treat you equally as shabby?

It sounds to me like you're trying to talk yourself out of genuine misgivings because you don't want to make waves -- but I think those misgivings are what you should be listening to.

[Anonymous]

I would not stay "friends" with this person knowing what I know. What kind of example are you setting for your kids? She has NO ethos and lacks utter compassion.

[Anonymous]

I'm judging these people after just reading your post, and I don't even know them. I don't think you're been negatively judgmental. I think you rightly have opinions about what is right and wrong in your life, and you live your life by those rules. Some things say a lot about your friends -- e.g., the cat dumping -- that would lead you to believe they are bad people by your definition (and mine). You shouldn't be friends with someone who is a bad person by your definition -- plain and simple. Other things are maybe not so severe. For example, the paying of taxes. If that really makes someone a bad person in your book, then you're right not to be friends with them. If it's something that just means they are a good person who does something bad sometimes, then you should just voice your opinion and move on. I think the key is that you don't really have shades of gray when it comes to right and wrong. All behavior makes people either good or bad, versus some behavior is bad but it isn't doesn't mean the person is bad. I'm not really explaining this very well. I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you should analyze what the behavior says about the person and decide whether or not that is the type of person you want to be friends with. There's nothing wrong with not being friends with someone who is bad in your book.

[Anonymous]

FYI - if you report people who cheat on their taxes you get a cut of whatever the IRS recovers.