Dates Wanting to Know What You’ve Done to Work on Yourself or Asking You to Read Certain Relationshi

[Anonymous]

What the heck is this? I had a second date with someone a few years ago who asked about what I had done post-divorce to work on myself. I answered the question honestly because I had done a ton (I had a highly abusive marriage), and the response was, “But have you read the Five Love Languages?” Next! I thought that was just one weird dude.

Now,I’ve been talking with someone and he, too, likes to share pop psychology books with me and asks me to read them and react. While I did mention I had been in an abusive marriage, I did not go into details, which I don’t really like to do. The latest book he sent me is on emotionally focused therapy, the premise of which is that if you each learn to express your needs and see problems as the other person shutting down because they aren’t getting their needs met, then you can fix things. Oh, no, honey. When three psychologists tell you to leave your husband and never go back or you will be killed, no EFT session is going to fix that! I actually found reading the retelling of the conflicts in the book triggering and couldn’t finish. I almost had to call my therapist. The book seemed like it was just a set up to get abused women to stay in abusive relationship and accept their husband’s rage and threats and abuse as signs the wife should work harder to make him feel emotionally safe.

My question is, what the hell? Is this a thing now where people talk about this in early dating? I find this whole thing really, really odd. I’m very tempted not to talk to this guy again, although when I said the book had been very disturbing and I wanted to talk to my therapist, he said we could drop it.

What say you, DCUM?

[Anonymous]

You’re not a fit with him. No obligation to work on it. Throw him back and move along.

I’ve found many people are willing to tell me what I could have or should have done to stay with my ex. He was mentally ill and abusive. Part of escaping and surviving abuse is that I do not need anyone’s approval to do what I think is right to protect myself.

[Anonymous]

I suspect you’re still attracting codependents without realizing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect you’re still attracting codependents without realizing it.

Right here. This is the answer. Normal cheerful kind and interesting people don’t get into the BS.

[Anonymous]

First, I agree that self-help and parenting books make handy trivets or doorstops, or possibly kindling.

Second, these people you're dating can't guess *how* abusive your marriage was, and therefore don't know that recommending such books angers and triggers you. In their mind, when you say "abusive" they think "therapy" and then "let's recommend a book".

Third, if you're really interested in one of these men, you could try explaining why such recommendations aren't helpful. It's likely they'll understand. And remember that a lot of men are less mature in this regard than women are.

[Anonymous]

Guy: I guess this would make the guys who just want to get in your pants seem more appealing ? Just kidding ! Sounds awful - so just keep moving until you find someone compatible

[Anonymous]

Move on. No one does this

[Anonymous]

People who pass themselves off as relationship experts.... usually aren't.

Most men are not interested in proving like this early on...the ones that do should be avoided.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the help. I’m so glad it is not a thing.

[Anonymous]

I have had discussions about what our love language is early one , but no one has ever given me an assignment. I am sure they would be very annoying over time.

[Anonymous]

Fact that you see a therapist is no ones business but your own

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure why you actually got the book in the first place. I imagine you are very open, earnest and sincere person, but in the future I’d just thank them and not give it another thought, especially since these are guys you barely know. What helps different people is so subjective, and there’s no right or wrong. But yeah, its a bit odd and presumptuous to recommend a self-help book in this context.