Mother Grieving
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Anonymous
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My Dad is quickly declining from Lewy Body dementia and is going on hospice care. I estimate my Dad has 6 months at best; it’s been 2 years since his diagnosis.
My Mother has been grieving ever since we placed Dad in memory care. Both she and my Dad are in their late 60s. Mom has been eating very little since my Dad was admitted to memory care,, and not sleeping. She has absolutely no hobbies or outlets, and generally shows no interest in life other than worry over my father and mourning what could’ve been. She’s not very interested in her grandchildren, and is opting to isolate for the most part so she can visit my Dad a couple times per week for 20 minutes at a time at the memory center. So most days she putters around the house mildly watching TV or on the Internet, best I can tell. I live over 2 hours away from my parents, and try to visit as much as I can, but with young children and a FT job, I can only manage a trip every 3 weeks or so for 3-days at a time. I’m not an only child, but my sibling is on the other side of the country, so everything is essentially on me. I’m a little lost as to how to help my mother, other than to gently suggest she eat and take something to help her sleep in order to keep up her health and strength. She is not resilient and does not handle big life changes well. She spent years after her parents passed mourning them, and I’m afraid this may put her over the ledge and she is going to lose all will to live once my Dad passes. Has anyone dealt with something similar and have any words of advice? TIA. |
Anonymous
| I have no advice for you, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. My mom has LBD...its a particularly cruel and horrible disease. |
Anonymous
| She probably needs to see a doctor for some depression meds, and will need to join a grief counseling group. Though I'm not sure how they are handling things since Covid. A weighted blanket would make a nice gift since they are said to comfort people with depression. |
Anonymous
| Dementia at that age is very hard. You are doing everything you can. She's right to isolate to see your dad. |
Anonymous
Hospice will work with her if they are good. They will have a chaplin (who isn't necessarily spiritual for her) and a social worker assigned. |
Anonymous
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Seconding the hospice suggestion. They will have resources to care for your mom: the counseling, support groups, etc. Talk to your father's care manager about your concerns and see what they can do to help her.
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Anonymous
+1 to both. Grief groups meet in zoom. And depression is a disease itself. Lewy body is awful. I’m so sorry for your Dad and Mom. |
Anonymous
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My mother reacted like this to my father's death. Eventually, she was hospitalized with depression. She later recovered, but admits that it was a way of committing suicide passively (i.e., not eating).
I suggest that you get your mother into treatment/therapy. (PS-In a traditional marriage, a woman feels like she has little purpose in life when she has no children or husband to care for. Not healthy, but common.) |
Anonymous
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Thanks for all the concern and advice.
A couple weeks ago my Dad's memory center ceased in-person, socially distanced visits. My Mom then announced she is going to completely isolate at home, and wait for my Dad to die, so she can have her "end of life" visit with him. My Dad could be weeks away from that, or more likely, it could be months from now. While he is sleeping a lot, he is still eating well and mobile (though frail). I cannot fathom how isolating in a large, empty, sad house waiting for a spouse to die is good for anyone's mental health... And I am having an increasingly very hard time interacting with my Mom. She is all consumed by my father being on hospice care and "dying". My mother has always had a tendency to play the victim and martyr roll all at once, and it feels extreme now. I can't even properly grieve over my Dad b/c I have to keep it together for her. She is constantly reminding my sibling and I how she is losing her husband and that trumps all, like our grief is a contest, and there is no acknowledgement how painful this is for my sibling and I too, to watch our father decline so dramatically. It's just all about her and her pain and loss. I really do not know what to do if she refuses to seek help for her emotional wellbeing, My worries over my Mom are taking up so much of my own headspace now, and bringing me down so much emotionally, that my Dad is almost an afterthought. Sorry for the vent; I don't share a lot of this other than with my husband, and even then I try to limit it so as not to overly burden him with my grief over all this... |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry, that is so hard. Your mom sounds like she is severely depressed, and unable to see beyond her own pain and grief. I would contact hospice and ask them what they can do. You can also contact her physician, if you know who it is, and share your concerns. The doctor can't tell you anything, but can listen.
You should also look into some kind of support group or counseling for yourself, even if it's virtual. You cannot be responsible for your mom and her grief; you need a space to process your own feelings. It sounds like you are reaching out to her and staying in contact, which is good, but you can't make her get help, you can't "snap her out of it." |
Anonymous
| I am serious but consider getting her a pet - cat or a puppy. She needs to some sort of activity to keep her occupied and gives her an emotional outlet |
Anonymous
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My heart goes out to you. I am a few months ahead of you in a similar dynamic - my father passed this spring, and somehow my mother never saw it coming (denial, notwithstanding that he was in chemo and had other significant health issues as well). She has been completely absorbed in her grief and couldn't bear to be alone, to the point that various siblings rotated staying with her for several weeks. (She absolutely rejects all suggestion of grief groups or therapy, btw.)
I still haven't had space/time to mourn my father properly (none of us siblings have), and thought I was keeping it together fine; however, over the past few months, I've developed a new autoimmune condition (my second) despite healthy eating, exercise, etc. I can't help but think the significant stress of dealing with mom (on top of covid and the fires we had on the west coast) was a contributing factor. Don't be me - do what you can to set boundaries and hold space (mentally/emotionally) for yourself. |
Anonymous
| I wish I had thoughtful or comforting words for you OP, but please know - I will take special time tonight to remember you and your family in my prayers. I hope knowing that others are holding you tight will make this time a bit easier. |
Anonymous
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Find Companion Care for your Mom. Might have to wait to bring someone in until your Dad passes. But vet the different providers in your area. So once he dies you can call right away.
This person can come in for a few hours a day to keep your mom company. Maybe make breakfast/lunch and make sure she eats it and prepare dinner for her to eat later. |
Anonymous
+1,000,000 It’s so hard, and I’m so sorry. The truth is, there’s little to be done beyond what you are already doing - staying connected, reaching out, and offering support as you can, as you balance the needs of your own family and working life. Your mom may be making decisions that are harmful to her well-being, or self-destructive, but they are her decisions to make. I echo PP’s recommendation to see a counselor and/or support group to help you work through your own feelings. That’s ultimately the only thing you have control over, and it can help enormously to have a sounding board, and just that space for yourself. A geriatric care manager who is also a social worker might be a good person to talk to - they work with so many people in your situation; it’s extremely common, as isolating as it feels. The LBD association might have some resources for virtual counseling or family support groups. |