If adult daughter is overweight and doesn’t exercise and smokes, what do you say?

[Anonymous]

Do you say nothing

Encourage her to get healthy

Praise her for being a good mom and tell her she is beautiful and perfect because her body produced a human

[Anonymous]

I would assume she's exhausted and busy with being a good mom (you say she is a good mom) and can't afford a break or time to exercise. So I would pay for a part-time nanny to give her a chance to rest/take care of herself, and maybe a trainer if she wants that.

[Anonymous]

There is no need to say anything. She is aware. Saying something only damages your relationship with her. If you think it is the result of stress, then explore ways to help relieve that stress without out mentioning the weight or smoking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you say nothing

Encourage her to get healthy

Praise her for being a good mom and tell her she is beautiful and perfect because her body produced a human

Yes what you said - as someone who has had their parents bring it up, I know it’s well meaning but it is very hard and not helpful to hear from your parents. She knows and she doesn’t need fo feel even more like people are looking at her and noticing. Also, push yourself really on whether it’s her health or your preconceived ideas about weight = health. It was very noticeable to me that my parents were “worried” for my health, but not at all worried for my sisters even though her diet was far worse than mine (and limited exercise) but she happens to have one side of the families amazing genes. Health is about behaviors, so focusing on that yourself - like you said, movement, a varied and overall nutrient dense diet, etc. those are behaviors and they aren’t always tied to weight (we could all eat the same thing and move the same way every single day and our bodies would still look different). So focus on that as a family and model that but don’t passively bring it up or push (she’ll know). Let her know you love her and she’s a great mom, give her breaks and help, that’s it.

[Anonymous]

By the time my daughter is an adult she will have all the information she needs to know that smoking and excess weight are health hazards. My unsolicited input will not make her change her ways, and can only damage our relationship.

My mother somehow thought that she needed to point out and discuss the danger of my sister’s excess weight repeatedly for years, and not only did it eventually damage their relationship, but it strained relationships with her other children as well. The only successful health changes my sister made were after our mother died. All of the things said that damaged their relationship did no good and never needed to be said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the time my daughter is an adult she will have all the information she needs to know that smoking and excess weight are health hazards. My unsolicited input will not make her change her ways, and can only damage our relationship.

My mother somehow thought that she needed to point out and discuss the danger of my sister’s excess weight repeatedly for years, and not only did it eventually damage their relationship, but it strained relationships with her other children as well. The only successful health changes my sister made were after our mother died. All of the things said that damaged their relationship did no good and never needed to be said.

Same here. Say nothing.

If you do want to express concern, especially about the smoking, I would do so once and couch it in terms of her health and living as long as possible.

Otherwise, she is an adult who can smoke and eat and not exercise as much as she wants.

My family drove me crazy harping about my weight, gave me exercise equipment for christmas, etc... Guess what? I exercised, and I still gained weight.

Turns out I have a major thyroid problem and many food allergies, and while I can lose weight it is very difficult. I can't "treat" myself, like all my relatives posting their desserts on facebook but weighing half of what I do. Your daughter may have other health issues or she may not have learned to deal well with stress.

[Anonymous]

If you do decide to say something, say it once, be clear and supportive, and then never bring it up again.

[Anonymous]

I'd nag her about the smoking out of concern, but would never comment on her weight.

[Anonymous]

Not a word. Shhhhhhh

[Anonymous]

Nothing good can come of saying something. She knows she is overweight. She knows she doesn't exercise and she knows smoking isn't healthy. What possibly could you accomplish besides ruining your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Not one word. She's an adult with access to information and mirrors. She knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By the time my daughter is an adult she will have all the information she needs to know that smoking and excess weight are health hazards. My unsolicited input will not make her change her ways, and can only damage our relationship.

My mother somehow thought that she needed to point out and discuss the danger of my sister’s excess weight repeatedly for years, and not only did it eventually damage their relationship, but it strained relationships with her other children as well. The only successful health changes my sister made were after our mother died. All of the things said that damaged their relationship did no good and never needed to be said.

Same here. Say nothing.

If you do want to express concern, especially about the smoking, I would do so once and couch it in terms of her health and living as long as possible.

Otherwise, she is an adult who can smoke and eat and not exercise as much as she wants.

My family drove me crazy harping about my weight, gave me exercise equipment for christmas, etc... Guess what? I exercised, and I still gained weight.

Turns out I have a major thyroid problem and many food allergies, and while I can lose weight it is very difficult. I can't "treat" myself, like all my relatives posting their desserts on facebook but weighing half of what I do. Your daughter may have other health issues or she may not have learned to deal well with stress.

I hear you, PP. My skinny mother will harp on me about my weight but still bring plenty of carby snacks to my house because she can eat them with moderation and no consequences. I just can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd nag her about the smoking out of concern, but would never comment on her weight.

Nagging her about her weight out of concern but never saying anything about her smoking would make just as much sense.

[Anonymous]

OMFG. I know I mention this forum occasionally but did you SERIOUSLY follow me here and post this so I would see it mom???

OP - you say nothing your daughter is not stupid or blind and knows that she needs to make changes. If you are my mom then OMG seriously I am so mad right now.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't nag about the weight at all. Just say you're there to help her lose it if she decides.

But smoking is really bad. She's definitely not a great mom if she smokes. Period. I would do what I could to get her to quit.

However, if she smokes AND she's overweight from eating too much junk, it really sounds like she needs therapy. I guess something must have happened to her. Maybe pay for her to go to a therapist? You can't make her go though, just offer if she wants to accept it.