If adult daughter is overweight and doesn’t exercise and smokes, what do you say?

[Anonymous]

If being nagged by mom about being overweight caused weight loss we wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic.

[Anonymous]

It’s absolutely insane that people think you have a right to say something about smoking but not eating yourself to death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s absolutely insane that people think you have a right to say something about smoking but not eating yourself to death.

Not as insane as thinking “saying something” has any hope of *changing* something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume she's exhausted and busy with being a good mom (you say she is a good mom) and can't afford a break or time to exercise. So I would pay for a part-time nanny to give her a chance to rest/take care of herself, and maybe a trainer if she wants that.

+1 of you want to voice your opinion allow her an option to fix it. Help her or keep your mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a healthy weight, smoked (often chain smoked 2-3 at once) and ran 8 minute miles. Not sure that was really better.

Similar here. Smoking is awesome though. I suspect it has to come back in fashion.

Third here. I smoked like a chimney and ran half marathons. Even though its been years and I know I'll never smoke again, I still kind of miss it.

[Anonymous]

Harp on her, gang up on her with exH, tell her how’s she’s ruining her life, etc. That’s what mine does and I exercise and don’t smoke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s absolutely insane that people think you have a right to say something about smoking but not eating yourself to death.

Don't be obtuse. You know the mental hangups around bodies and weight and mother daughter relationships just don't exist around smoking. It's not the same issue in the least despite the similar health implications.

[Anonymous]

Best thing you can do is never bring it up or say anything about it either way. That said, if she ever makes a comment like oh I wish I could go to that spin class but... that's when you jump in and offer to take care of whatever the but is. If it's childcare, helping her with chores, whatever.

You help by encouraging her to find ways to incorporate healthy habits in her day to day routine by helping her with some of the mundane burdens of life. But you take her lead and don't reveal your motives for helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you saying “say nothing, she knows already, plus she’s an adult” ....

Does this hold true for any and all life choices that lower life expectancy? Does it change your answer if the increased risk of morbidly / mortality is near-term vs long-term?

To wit, do you recommend silence if the relative has a managed use of meth? Oxycontin? Daily alcohol abuse? Refuses to wear a seat belt? Obvious bulimia? Superficial cutting? Vaping weed without a prescription (meaning, using those cartridges that gave so many people lethal pneumonia)?

I’d like to hear more from the “say absolutely nothing” crowd as to where they draw the line, if anywhere, on comments about an adult loved one’s activity that contributes to disease and early death.

Also, what about smoking or drinking significantly while pregnant? Still say nothing?

I work with people who have complex and chronic health problems, by way of background.

I don’t comment on anyone’s “life choices” [I don’t think drug addiction is a choice] unless they affect me. That’s the only viable basis on which someone who is not a health care provider sought out by the patient can make a meaningful comment anyway. Everything else is self-soothing by the commenter.

[Anonymous]

Same thing you'd say to any adult - nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd nag her about the smoking out of concern, but would never comment on her weight.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If being nagged by mom about being overweight caused weight loss we wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic.

Yup. It often has the opposite effect.

Cant please mom so why even try?
She doesn’t love me unconditionally so why listen to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If being nagged by mom about being overweight caused weight loss we wouldn’t have an obesity epidemic.

Yup. It often has the opposite effect.

Cant please mom so why even try?
She doesn’t love me unconditionally so why listen to her?

This. It's best just to love her as she is. And she might realize she is lovable and take care of herself better.

[Anonymous]

My dad told me. He's a matter of fact person - doesn't try to be cruel, harsh or anything though.

On a visit in from out of town, he mentioned it. Referred to weight loss program that another family member did. He told me that I was very pretty - implying that I could look better. Offered to pay for it because it was pricey. I tried it. I didn't like the particular program ultimately and only lost a few pounds. He mentioned it a year later. I got weepy and said that I have too much shame. It didn't come from him though. He just wanted to be helpful.

That was 5 years ago. He's passed. I made other attempts but I was really just too overwhelmed with my life. Weight loss takes such emotional energy.

This January, my life became easier since kids became more independent. I was turning 50. I was out of excuses. I'm down 20.

It's complicated. Hope my story helps.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you saying “say nothing, she knows already, plus she’s an adult” ....

Does this hold true for any and all life choices that lower life expectancy? Does it change your answer if the increased risk of morbidly / mortality is near-term vs long-term?

To wit, do you recommend silence if the relative has a managed use of meth? Oxycontin? Daily alcohol abuse? Refuses to wear a seat belt? Obvious bulimia? Superficial cutting? Vaping weed without a prescription (meaning, using those cartridges that gave so many people lethal pneumonia)?

I’d like to hear more from the “say absolutely nothing” crowd as to where they draw the line, if anywhere, on comments about an adult loved one’s activity that contributes to disease and early death.

Also, what about smoking or drinking significantly while pregnant? Still say nothing?

I work with people who have complex and chronic health problems, by way of background.

Addiction runs in my family, and I’ve dated a couple alcoholics.

If “saying something” fixed the problem, addiction wouldn’t exist. Every addict has been nagged and told to stop.

The best thing to do is love with detachment.