If adult daughter is overweight and doesn’t exercise and smokes, what do you say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't nag about the weight at all. Just say you're there to help her lose it if she decides.

But smoking is really bad. She's definitely not a great mom if she smokes. Period. I would do what I could to get her to quit.

However, if she smokes AND she's overweight from eating too much junk, it really sounds like she needs therapy. I guess something must have happened to her. Maybe pay for her to go to a therapist? You can't make her go though, just offer if she wants to accept it.

She’s definitely not a great mom if she’s an unhealthy weight. Periodtttttt.

Makes just as much sense as PP’s statement.

[Anonymous]

I’d suggest therapy. Overweight and smoker indicates she is doing some sort of self harm and there is probably a root cause.

[Anonymous]

All of you saying “say nothing, she knows already, plus she’s an adult” ....

Does this hold true for any and all life choices that lower life expectancy? Does it change your answer if the increased risk of morbidly / mortality is near-term vs long-term?

To wit, do you recommend silence if the relative has a managed use of meth? Oxycontin? Daily alcohol abuse? Refuses to wear a seat belt? Obvious bulimia? Superficial cutting? Vaping weed without a prescription (meaning, using those cartridges that gave so many people lethal pneumonia)?

I’d like to hear more from the “say absolutely nothing” crowd as to where they draw the line, if anywhere, on comments about an adult loved one’s activity that contributes to disease and early death.

Also, what about smoking or drinking significantly while pregnant? Still say nothing?

I work with people who have complex and chronic health problems, by way of background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't nag about the weight at all. Just say you're there to help her lose it if she decides.

But smoking is really bad. She's definitely not a great mom if she smokes. Period. I would do what I could to get her to quit.

However, if she smokes AND she's overweight from eating too much junk, it really sounds like she needs therapy. I guess something must have happened to her. Maybe pay for her to go to a therapist? You can't make her go though, just offer if she wants to accept it.

She’s definitely not a great mom if she’s an unhealthy weight. Periodtttttt.

Makes just as much sense as PP’s statement.

Most people in this country are terrible parents. It’s not a high bar to be great.

However, smoking is really appalling. You can be fat because of medication or some other health thing. Rare but possible. Smoking is just plain stupid. And disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't nag about the weight at all. Just say you're there to help her lose it if she decides.

But smoking is really bad. She's definitely not a great mom if she smokes. Period. I would do what I could to get her to quit.

However, if she smokes AND she's overweight from eating too much junk, it really sounds like she needs therapy. I guess something must have happened to her. Maybe pay for her to go to a therapist? You can't make her go though, just offer if she wants to accept it.

She’s definitely not a great mom if she’s an unhealthy weight. Periodtttttt.

Makes just as much sense as PP’s statement.

Most people in this country are terrible parents. It’s not a high bar to be great.

However, smoking is really appalling. You can be fat because of medication or some other health thing. Rare but possible. Smoking is just plain stupid. And disgusting.

And smoking harms the children directly. Especially smoking while pregnant but even second hand smoke on clothes and hair and walls.

[Anonymous]

You need to lose weight fat azz.

[Anonymous]

You know what to do. Love her, accept her, try to be a safe place for her. She knows the rest of the world will judge her for her weight and her smoking — do you really want to pile on? Do you want her to have to cope with her mother’s disapproval amongst everything else? Just be happy for whoever she is.

Signed,
A daughter whose mother hates her hair (too frizzy), her body (at times too skinny, and ironically at other times too fat), her husband (not enough potential), her kids (not well-dressed enough), etc etc etc

[Anonymous]

The most important thing you can say to her is, “I love you”.

[Anonymous]

I was a healthy weight, smoked (often chain smoked 2-3 at once) and ran 8 minute miles. Not sure that was really better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a healthy weight, smoked (often chain smoked 2-3 at once) and ran 8 minute miles. Not sure that was really better.

It's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a healthy weight, smoked (often chain smoked 2-3 at once) and ran 8 minute miles. Not sure that was really better.

Similar here. Smoking is awesome though. I suspect it has to come back in fashion.

[Anonymous]

All of you saying “say nothing, she knows already, plus she’s an adult” ....

Does this hold true for any and all life choices that lower life expectancy? Does it change your answer if the increased risk of morbidly / mortality is near-term vs long-term?

To wit, do you recommend silence if the relative has a managed use of meth? Oxycontin? Daily alcohol abuse? Refuses to wear a seat belt? Obvious bulimia? Superficial cutting? Vaping weed without a prescription (meaning, using those cartridges that gave so many people lethal pneumonia)?

I’d like to hear more from the “say absolutely nothing” crowd as to where they draw the line, if anywhere, on comments about an adult loved one’s activity that contributes to disease and early death.

Also, what about smoking or drinking significantly while pregnant? Still say nothing?

I work with people who have complex and chronic health problems, by way of background.

NO. You will not derail this thread with a copious amount of what-about-ism. Stop your nonsense.

Say nothing about her weight.

[Anonymous]

The fat, smokey women have to belong in someone's family....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the time my daughter is an adult she will have all the information she needs to know that smoking and excess weight are health hazards. My unsolicited input will not make her change her ways, and can only damage our relationship.

My mother somehow thought that she needed to point out and discuss the danger of my sister’s excess weight repeatedly for years, and not only did it eventually damage their relationship, but it strained relationships with her other children as well. The only successful health changes my sister made were after our mother died. All of the things said that damaged their relationship did no good and never needed to be said.

+1 million

[Anonymous]

wouldn't say anything about the weight or exercise, but would offer her support if she wants to try to quit smoking.