Siblings of High Performing Athletes

[Anonymous]

any parents with high performing athletes? We are struggling with how to deal with sibling rivalry if a sibling doesn’t have a sport of activity that they are as passionate about as their sibling.
We recognize sibling looks up to older sibling who is the athlete. We also realize that sibling compares to the other sibling who has achieved many successes, travels all over the country etc. We have worked very hard to celebrate and recognize the strengths and successes of our non elite child but are realizing it’s not enough. We stress that sibling is their own person and can achieve whatever they put their mind to, but we see the growing tensions and the conflict between admiration and resentment. As they get older it only gets worse. Does anyone have any advice to help with this sort of sibling rivalry?

[Anonymous]

Oy, that's tough. I was the high-performing musician -- conservatory scholarship, public performances, etc. -- and my fraternal twin couldn't pick up a tune. Even though we're well-adjusted adults now (and I didn't pursue music professionally), in a way I still feel somewhat sheepish and guilty about it all. Because without me as a comparison, my sibling was a strong student and a good person. I just had this "talent" that got more public attention.

I'm not sure I have much of an answer for you other than what you're doing. On one extreme is Pete Sampras's parents who wouldn't even come to his matches because they didn't want to show favoritism over his siblings. I don't think you need to go that far. In fact, in my case, it didn't help when my parents and I would try to minimize and hide my successes. It comes across as pitying.

So, do your best to praise the effort and dedication, not the results. You say that DC2 doesn't have any activity with the same passion. And that's ok. But even if it's not the same level of passion, is there anything that you can spend time doing with DC2 that will capture your undivided attention as parents? Even if it's a recreational round of golf on the weekends, going for a hike, or whatever DC2 wants to do, it doesn't need to be national caliber, you just need to show that you're equally "invested" in both.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has their own strengths. No one person's great news is better than another person's great news.

[Anonymous]

I was the high performing athlete. Just don’t focus on it so much and find your younger child’s strengths and focus on them as much as the older kid’s sport.

[Anonymous]

I had a high performing athlete sibling when I was a kid (took some time off from school/ life to see if he could go pro- he didn’t make it). I think my parents did a great job. Even when there were big competitions for my brother, rarely did I get drug along (unless my own schedule was free and I wanted to go). . Sometimes one parent would go, but sometimes if I had a minor thing (school play, my own tiny sports thing) both would come to my thing instead. They *never* made me think my activities were any less important. I think I would have been resentful if our whole family schedule revolved around his sport, but in reality it was just one more thing on our family’s schedule. Once my brother had a driver’s license he drive himself hours away on his own (it was a specialized individual sport (golf) - not a team thing with a bus).

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling who was an elite athlete as a kid and went on to play that sport at a semi-professional level after college. The travel sport, all the practices, games, in between games when there’s no time to do anything else so you’re just waiting around at the field, going out to team dinners, etc. is a huge time commitment for the parents. It wasn’t realistic for me to expect my parents to give me that same amount of time/attention but it would’ve been nice if they had at least attempted to do activities w me or just spend time w me that wasn’t always focused on my sibling’s sport. It would’ve also been nice if they had not dragged me along to every game, tournament and if they had not planned all our family vacations solely around places we had to travel for my sibling’s sport (if we could’ve gone places other than Orlando, Atlanta, and middle of nowhere Kansas, for example. It also seemed like all our family conversations revolved around my sibling’s sport. My parents were obsessed.

The only thing that wasn’t annoying about all the family focus on my sibling’s sport is that my sibling wasn’t a jerk about it. I think he felt guilty that everything our family did and talked about centered on him. I have a good relationship with him now that we’re adults. And obviously still have some resentment of the way my parents handled it.

It’s good you’re thinking about this, recognizing the effect it’s having on your kids, and trying to come up w solutions.

[Anonymous]

My brother was known as in the top 3 in his sport in the US with college recruiters all over the country vying for him. They came to the house for interviews/pitches. He briefly went pro after college.

My sister and I played the same sport. I did play on an elite team and was good, but nowhere at his level.

What helped- different genders and that he was an awful student and in trouble a lot.

I looked up to him, but I excelled in school and was the model child. My dad also took interest in me and my team so the focus wasn’t 100% him.

In these situations I know the other sibling will often carve out a niche and do something different to have another identity. Parents need to treat the kids as equal as possible- and not get caught up and praise the super athlete.

[Anonymous]

Find something else for the other kid to excel in. It needs to be a genuine interest / passion. Obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the high performing athlete. Just don’t focus on it so much and find your younger child’s strengths and focus on them as much as the older kid’s sport.

This. And I think overall its best not to frame everything in terms of "passion" and achievement. There is a shit ton to be said for not having a passion. Passions have their costs too- some people can be sort of so narrowly focused on their passion that they aren't all that well rounded a person, which for many is kind of a negative.

I'm conscious of trying to teach my kid that success and being content and present are not always linked. Achievement is great, I;m not saying to be a slacker but maybe the kid doesn't know what they want to achieve, they just want to be content with their daily life and activities. In the end that might be the best place to be!

[Anonymous]

How is your attention divided? Is following the "elite athlete" the primary family activity? As in, does everyone go to games together, does everyone travel to tournaments, does priority to parent time/attention/access to transportation go to athlete and sibling is sometimes unable to participate in their own activities (even if it is just hanging out with a friend)

Don't push sibling to "find a passion". Support sibling in things they want to do, whether that is athletics, music, academics, art or just playing with friends. They do not need to do these things in an "elite" capacity, but they do need the support to try things out and participate without feeling like they need to perform at a professional level to get the same attention and family time and resources that "elite athlete" does.

Note: I'm sure the specifics of this is different during covid times, but the principle is the same and sibling definitely remembers how you prioritized your time in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your attention divided? Is following the "elite athlete" the primary family activity? As in, does everyone go to games together, does everyone travel to tournaments, does priority to parent time/attention/access to transportation go to athlete and sibling is sometimes unable to participate in their own activities (even if it is just hanging out with a friend)

Don't push sibling to "find a passion". Support sibling in things they want to do, whether that is athletics, music, academics, art or just playing with friends. They do not need to do these things in an "elite" capacity, but they do need the support to try things out and participate without feeling like they need to perform at a professional level to get the same attention and family time and resources that "elite athlete" does.

Note: I'm sure the specifics of this is different during covid times, but the principle is the same and sibling definitely remembers how you prioritized your time in the past.

This. Probably nothing makes the other kid feel as badly as being told 'you'll find your passion, too.' Not all people have a 'passion' and that's okay. I also agree that it is important for the parents to do a good job in not dedicating all of their time to the athlete. Someone stays home and be happy about it (!), not to babysit the 'loser' but because the 'elite' athlete's life doesn't get to trump everyone else's. It is a fine line.

[Anonymous]

My sister was a high performing athlete. She competed regularly and went to an OTC for a little while after college. I don’t remember ever feeling particularly jealous. That was just her path. It probably helped that my mom grew up on a farm, practically ran away from home to go to college and graduate school, and thought the whole concept of suburban children’s athletics and the amount of time my sister devoted to them was kind of ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sibling who was an elite athlete as a kid and went on to play that sport at a semi-professional level after college. The travel sport, all the practices, games, in between games when there’s no time to do anything else so you’re just waiting around at the field, going out to team dinners, etc. is a huge time commitment for the parents. It wasn’t realistic for me to expect my parents to give me that same amount of time/attention but it would’ve been nice if they had at least attempted to do activities w me or just spend time w me that wasn’t always focused on my sibling’s sport. It would’ve also been nice if they had not dragged me along to every game, tournament and if they had not planned all our family vacations solely around places we had to travel for my sibling’s sport (if we could’ve gone places other than Orlando, Atlanta, and middle of nowhere Kansas, for example. It also seemed like all our family conversations revolved around my sibling’s sport. My parents were obsessed.

The only thing that wasn’t annoying about all the family focus on my sibling’s sport is that my sibling wasn’t a jerk about it. I think he felt guilty that everything our family did and talked about centered on him. I have a good relationship with him now that we’re adults. And obviously still have some resentment of the way my parents handled it.

It’s good you’re thinking about this, recognizing the effect it’s having on your kids, and trying to come up w solutions.

Is your sibling more successful than you now? Just wondering if all the time and attention to the travel sport was worth it for him?

[Anonymous]

One of mine was an elite athlete before a career ending injury. She traveled around the world for her sport and it was a year round sport so there were no breaks. Practice was six days a week for hours.

We did not have the sibling rivalry issue. We didn't make our other kids attend all of the competitions. If there was something local that didn't interfere with their interests, we'd take them for a little while. Both parents didn't go to all competitions so that one of us could make sure the others got to do what they wanted. When competitions were in areas that the other kids might like, one parent took the kids to the competition and the other took the other kids out sightseeing. We encouraged the others to join whatever they wanted and always made it happen so they weren't left behind due to the craziness of their sister's schedule. She still had chores and had to contribute to the household even though she was always practicing and also had school, so the family didn't hold her up on a pedestal. I guess what I'm saying is that we didn't let our lives revolve around our athlete.

One of the things that was tough though was the money issue. It is unbelievably expensive to have an elite athlete. We were always cognizant of trying to be sure we took vacations and did things the other kids would enjoy even when money was tight because it really wasn't fair if one kid eats up all the time and money in the family.

I think the closest to jealousy we had was that she got to miss a bunch of school each year and my other kids don't love school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of mine was an elite athlete before a career ending injury. She traveled around the world for her sport and it was a year round sport so there were no breaks. Practice was six days a week for hours.

We did not have the sibling rivalry issue. We didn't make our other kids attend all of the competitions. If there was something local that didn't interfere with their interests, we'd take them for a little while. Both parents didn't go to all competitions so that one of us could make sure the others got to do what they wanted. When competitions were in areas that the other kids might like, one parent took the kids to the competition and the other took the other kids out sightseeing. We encouraged the others to join whatever they wanted and always made it happen so they weren't left behind due to the craziness of their sister's schedule. She still had chores and had to contribute to the household even though she was always practicing and also had school, so the family didn't hold her up on a pedestal. I guess what I'm saying is that we didn't let our lives revolve around our athlete.

One of the things that was tough though was the money issue. It is unbelievably expensive to have an elite athlete. We were always cognizant of trying to be sure we took vacations and did things the other kids would enjoy even when money was tight because it really wasn't fair if one kid eats up all the time and money in the family.

I think the closest to jealousy we had was that she got to miss a bunch of school each year and my other kids don't love school.

Wow super interesting. Knowing what you know now (including that your daughter would have a career ending injury) would you do it again? How much in total do you think you spent on your elite child's sport?