How to Raise an Adult?

[Anonymous]

It's very important to us to raise kids who are resilient and self-sufficient - at home, work, and school. Ideally, we'd like our kids to be able to survive and thrive on their own (if they had to) at 18.

DH and I are both very independent and capable, but we came about these qualities the hard way. Both of us had very challenging childhoods and were financial contributors to our families at very young ages. We are now very well off, though in an upper NW (not Potomac) sense.

How do middle- and upper-middle class families teach their kids to "adult" without the experience of really serious hardship? I'm kind of a Hermione so book recommendations are especially welcome.

[Anonymous]

OP again. In case it matters, we have a toddler and preschooler.

[Anonymous]

Part of being an adult is learning how to handle things without mom and dad holding your hand.

[Anonymous]

Allow your children to fail. Be supportive and kind when it happens, but don't prevent it from happening. This is extremely hard for upper and UM class parents, especially those of us from challenging backgrounds. We feel the urge to "rescue" are children from hardship. But hardship is inevitable. Instead of trying to avoid it, focus on molding calm, resilience, and problem-solving. If your kid doesn't make a team, gets a bad grade, loses a friend, don't intervene. But show them you still love them, and when they are ready, talk through how to deal with these challenges in healthy ways.

Also, continually check in on how much independence they have and allow them to struggle through things to improve skills, rather than doing it for them. You can provide them with tools and you can provide emotional support, but let them do it. Start now -- do your kids get dressed on their own? Can they get themselves a snack if you aren't immediately available? Do they participate in cleaning up and other chores? Do they help with dinner? Yes, at first this will feel like more work for you. But you need to keep giving them more to do and then giving them space to do it.

Also, avoid perfectionism. Allow them to be "good enough" at stuff. Well off parents often set exacting high standards, and that cripples their kids emotionally and makes them reliant on their parents for help and validation. It's okay for your kid to be just okay at tasks. Let them keep being just okay at it. They may never excel at that skill, but the point is to make them competent. That means not discouraging them and instilling in them a willingness to pursue something even if they aren't the best at it.

[Anonymous]

Make them go to camps without friends.

Sleep away camp.

Let them make mistakes. Don’t punish them for mistakes that have natural consequences. Let them trust that you will support them during a mistake instead of fix or judge.

Don’t care what other parents think, it’s not a competitive sport.

Let them fail, something. A sport, a class, a friendship.

They need a job, something starting in middle school even if it is volunteer.

[Anonymous]

^ our kids, modeling calm, etc. See, it's okay to make mistakes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Part of being an adult is learning how to handle things without mom and dad holding your hand.

OP here. Agreed. What did this mean in practice for you as a parent? Did you hand your kid a broom at 5 and tell them to sweep the block?

[Anonymous]

Teach them early to not rely on private cars/taxis; they should know how to use public transportation (like subways and buses) or even walk.

I have a kid in college and his freshman year (a few years before Covid) I was astounded at some of the things I read on a facebook group for parents.
It is a large, spread out campus, but with a fabulous bus system and you COULD walk (though it would take about half hour to get from one end to the other!)
But many parents were posting about how their kid had already racked up several hundred dollars in Uber fees the first week of class because they were taking Uber to class, or to ULTA (about 3 miles from campus--but again, the buses went there!)

[Anonymous]

OP here. These are good suggestions. Can anyone recommend a book that offers age-appropriate tips in a more comprehensive way?

I'd love a book that approaches things like the "What to Expect" books, where you have milestones and suggested activities at certain ages. Like, at 3-5, you can start teaching about saving and money in these ways; at 7-9, build on those lessons in this way, etc., etc. Same for chores, education, etc.

[Anonymous]

Also, and maybe more importantly, your kid needs to have a say in certain things so they can develop their own ideas, goals and motivations.

The teenagers I see now that are described as "lazy" or not ready for the adult world are kids whose parents dictated everything for them - they have no internal motivation because they never had control over any decisions.

Let your kid pick their activities, let them pick their chores (or rotate among your kids so they have preferences) let them pick their classes, (when age appropriate), let them make dinner and pick the menu -- they need control over their decisions.

Agree with PPs that you must let them fail, pick themselves up and learn what works for them. No clean clothing, they decide if they do laundry or not. (again - teens).

My 18 year old is super independent - yes he can cook and do laundry, but more importantly, he knows when he is tired and goes to bed early, he knows when he is lonely and makes plans with friends, he works hard at his job, etc.

[Anonymous]

This is PP - I recommend the book the Self Driven child. It's really for parents of teenagers, but it might be good to read earlier to get an idea of the mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Part of being an adult is learning how to handle things without mom and dad holding your hand.

OP here. Agreed. What did this mean in practice for you as a parent? Did you hand your kid a broom at 5 and tell them to sweep the block?

Yes, sort of! I push my 5 year old pretty hard so she learns to work at things and persist. I show her how to do things once (or twice), then make myself as scarce as possible while being available if she really really gets stuck. I tell her “I can’t help you this second, keep trying and see if you can get it.”

[Anonymous]

The world will teach them. Your job is not to get in the way.

[Anonymous]

Check out awesome book by former Stanford dean of students with same title "How to Raise an Adult." She gives specific goals/milestones for independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out awesome book by former Stanford dean of students with same title "How to Raise an Adult." She gives specific goals/milestones for independence.

I came here to say that there's a book with this actual title that's pretty good.