My husband doesn’t know how to give a hug

[Anonymous]

No advice sought it just makes me sad. Needed to share that somewhere. He had a lot of childhood trauma and is hyper vigilant. It’s rare he is relaxed enough to be physically vulnerable. I’m sad for him, and miss the warmth of intimacy. Yes. I knew this going in, but thought he’d feel safer over time. Emotionally he’s more open, still not there physically. Cuddling can elicit shutdown. It gets lonely. Thankfully we have a cat. And he’s softer with our child. I fear there is something about me that reminds him of his mother, who was/is mentally unwell. I suggested therapy but we haven’t gotten there yet.

Thank you for listening.

[Anonymous]

Have him watch Korean dramas! Never did I know that a light hug could be so, so, so, sexy!

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you sound like an amazing person - understanding his struggle and loving him no matter what. Take some comfort in that, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am similar to your husband. Hugging just doesn’t usually feel good to me. It is one of my most persistent PTSD triggers.

What has helped is my wife asking “could I have a hug?” and letting the answer be no if that’s the answer. Sometimes I have to take a moment to get centered before we hug but we do embrace much more often than we did. Also, non hugging cuddling works for me- her head in my lap while we watch TV or just sitting close and holding hands.

Trust me when I say I am sure your husband knows this isn’t fair to you and that he also hates it. I wish you both the best.

[Anonymous]

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I have no trauma, and hugging isn't always comfortable for me, either.

[Anonymous]

We're in the midst of a global a pandemic with a lot of emphasis on social distancing. Cut him some slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in the midst of a global a pandemic with a lot of emphasis on social distancing. Cut him some slack.

People aren't maintaining social distance from the spouses they share a home with, the OP has cut him plenty of slack, and she explicitly said that his reticence comes from past trauma, not pandemic concerns. Great contribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in the midst of a global a pandemic with a lot of emphasis on social distancing. Cut him some slack.

LOL! Do you think the husband is also refusing sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in the midst of a global a pandemic with a lot of emphasis on social distancing. Cut him some slack.

LOL! Do you think the husband is also refusing sex?

Complex trauma does impact sex. You’re making a joke....but it’s less refusal than avoidance. Sex with someone you love requires vulnerability. Even if we to have rougher sex at some point he has to let down his guard to finish, or doesn’t. TMI

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am similar to your husband. Hugging just doesn’t usually feel good to me. It is one of my most persistent PTSD triggers.

What has helped is my wife asking “could I have a hug?” and letting the answer be no if that’s the answer. Sometimes I have to take a moment to get centered before we hug but we do embrace much more often than we did. Also, non hugging cuddling works for me- her head in my lap while we watch TV or just sitting close and holding hands.

Trust me when I say I am sure your husband knows this isn’t fair to you and that he also hates it. I wish you both the best.

Thank you. This helps.

[Anonymous]

My mother used to make me hug her when I was very angry at her. She also smelled terrible (bad hygiene) and would hug me way too tightly and for way too long for my comfort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother used to make me hug her when I was very angry at her. She also smelled terrible (bad hygiene) and would hug me way too tightly and for way too long for my comfort.

I’m so sorry. Thats a lot to put on a kid.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a hugger -- and I am very grateful to the pets, young kids, and one very, very kind and patient male friend who persistently reached out with wonderful, warm, non-demanding hugs. I hope that your husband appreciates your patience -- and your persistence. One of the things that has helped me is sort of having a ritual to hugging -- so that I'm expecting it, and even looking forward to it -- without feeling judged in that awkward few moments when I'm going: "Oh, we're going to hug....now?" Hugging doesn't come naturally to me -- because I grew up in a family that didn't hug, with adults who rarely touched each other, and who even discouraged physical contact between me and my sibling. What I do like, though, is things like sitting next to someone so our feet touch or with our hands on each other's thighs -- so just being physically close together. I also like doing useful things: brushing back hair, smoothing on the sunscreen.... I say that because maybe your husband will be willing to explore physical affection that's not hugging -- in ways that can provide you with more warmth and intimacy.

I hope things get better for both of you, OP.

[Anonymous]

It's not that your DH doesn't know how to give a hug, he's triggered/uncomfortable with it. I can relate. I can also tell you that therapy, medication and time can make a life-changing difference in the hyper-vigilance. He doesn't have to live with it to this degree.