How do you identify the “competitive” people

[Anonymous]

Regarding the thread about female friendships being plagued by competitiveness, my question is, how can one tell if someone is the competitive type? What kinds of actions or comments would indicate that?

[Anonymous]

You can’t. Even people who don’t seem competitive can be slightly competitive in female friendships. I find it happens to very close friends rather than regular friends.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just very intense. Like I've only met my friend's BIL a handful of times. Maybe 10x? And he is clearly one of the most competitive people I've ever met. He once told me, in a kind of jokey way, that he was annoyed because his wife had made more TV appearances than he had in the most recent calendar year, and he liked to "win that one." They are both very accomplished and smart. But there was something so distasteful to me about competing with your own spouse about something pretty shallow (neither of them do TV for a living, they just get invited on news shows periodically to discuss their areas of expertise). He also brags on his kids a lot, but in a way that feels almost offensive, like it's an attack not just on my kids but on ALL other kids. He once told me that his daughter never gets cold because his wife at a high protein diet during pregnancy. It was so weird!

I also knew a woman for a while who didn't seem that competitive at first, but it would come out whenever she did something brag-worthy. Like she'd never say "I'm really excited about my new job!" She'd say "I hope all those suckers who didn't get this job don't hate me too much!" Or if she went on vacation somewhere cool, it was never "Wow, that place was great, I loved it" or even "you should go!" It was always "Haha, sucks to be stuck at home when I was hanging out in HAWAII on the BEACH." She'd say it in kind of a funny way, but after a while I realized that she was just really competitive and liked winning (and was an extremely graceless winner).

Those are the main signs for me -- constantly comparing yourself to others, constantly talking up your accomplishments, turning stuff that shouldn't be competitive into a competition, bragging, being aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just very intense. Like I've only met my friend's BIL a handful of times. Maybe 10x? And he is clearly one of the most competitive people I've ever met. He once told me, in a kind of jokey way, that he was annoyed because his wife had made more TV appearances than he had in the most recent calendar year, and he liked to "win that one." They are both very accomplished and smart. But there was something so distasteful to me about competing with your own spouse about something pretty shallow (neither of them do TV for a living, they just get invited on news shows periodically to discuss their areas of expertise). He also brags on his kids a lot, but in a way that feels almost offensive, like it's an attack not just on my kids but on ALL other kids. He once told me that his daughter never gets cold because his wife at a high protein diet during pregnancy. It was so weird!

I also knew a woman for a while who didn't seem that competitive at first, but it would come out whenever she did something brag-worthy. Like she'd never say "I'm really excited about my new job!" She'd say "I hope all those suckers who didn't get this job don't hate me too much!" Or if she went on vacation somewhere cool, it was never "Wow, that place was great, I loved it" or even "you should go!" It was always "Haha, sucks to be stuck at home when I was hanging out in HAWAII on the BEACH." She'd say it in kind of a funny way, but after a while I realized that she was just really competitive and liked winning (and was an extremely graceless winner).

Those are the main signs for me -- constantly comparing yourself to others, constantly talking up your accomplishments, turning stuff that shouldn't be competitive into a competition, bragging, being aggressive.

These are amazing descriptions and I know people like this and find them mean spirited and repellent. Spot on.

[Anonymous]

My sister leant appear to be obviously competitive will claim to be always the “chill and relaxed one.” However her competitiveness comes out in instances like the following:

- if I’m talking about listening to some podcasts, she’ll say, “ hm, I should listen to more podcasts.”

- if I say I’m loving dog sitting my friends dog, she’ll go buy a dog.

- if I say I’m getting a certificate for work, she too will start some kind of relevant professional development endeavor.

- she is always dressed to the nines

[Anonymous]

Competitive people are usually slow to pay compliments. Paying compliments causes them pain. For me, that is generally a first sign of an envious person as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister leant appear to be obviously competitive will claim to be always the “chill and relaxed one.” However her competitiveness comes out in instances like the following:

- if I’m talking about listening to some podcasts, she’ll say, “ hm, I should listen to more podcasts.”

- if I say I’m loving dog sitting my friends dog, she’ll go buy a dog.

- if I say I’m getting a certificate for work, she too will start some kind of relevant professional development endeavor.

- she is always dressed to the nines

When I think about a competitiveness, a couple I know immediately pops into mind and they are a lot like this. They try sooo hard to cultivate an image of being the most laid back people, but when you spend time around them you start to feel like they’re mining for details that they’ll then try to one-up. I first sensed that something was off when their young daughter told us her parents paid her if she scored goals in soccer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just very intense. Like I've only met my friend's BIL a handful of times. Maybe 10x? And he is clearly one of the most competitive people I've ever met. He once told me, in a kind of jokey way, that he was annoyed because his wife had made more TV appearances than he had in the most recent calendar year, and he liked to "win that one." They are both very accomplished and smart. But there was something so distasteful to me about competing with your own spouse about something pretty shallow (neither of them do TV for a living, they just get invited on news shows periodically to discuss their areas of expertise). He also brags on his kids a lot, but in a way that feels almost offensive, like it's an attack not just on my kids but on ALL other kids. He once told me that his daughter never gets cold because his wife at a high protein diet during pregnancy. It was so weird!

I also knew a woman for a while who didn't seem that competitive at first, but it would come out whenever she did something brag-worthy. Like she'd never say "I'm really excited about my new job!" She'd say "I hope all those suckers who didn't get this job don't hate me too much!" Or if she went on vacation somewhere cool, it was never "Wow, that place was great, I loved it" or even "you should go!" It was always "Haha, sucks to be stuck at home when I was hanging out in HAWAII on the BEACH." She'd say it in kind of a funny way, but after a while I realized that she was just really competitive and liked winning (and was an extremely graceless winner).

Those are the main signs for me -- constantly comparing yourself to others, constantly talking up your accomplishments, turning stuff that shouldn't be competitive into a competition, bragging, being aggressive.

These are amazing descriptions and I know people like this and find them mean spirited and repellent. Spot on.

That's not just competitive, that's pretty badly behaved all round and low class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just very intense. Like I've only met my friend's BIL a handful of times. Maybe 10x? And he is clearly one of the most competitive people I've ever met. He once told me, in a kind of jokey way, that he was annoyed because his wife had made more TV appearances than he had in the most recent calendar year, and he liked to "win that one." They are both very accomplished and smart. But there was something so distasteful to me about competing with your own spouse about something pretty shallow (neither of them do TV for a living, they just get invited on news shows periodically to discuss their areas of expertise). He also brags on his kids a lot, but in a way that feels almost offensive, like it's an attack not just on my kids but on ALL other kids. He once told me that his daughter never gets cold because his wife at a high protein diet during pregnancy. It was so weird!

I also knew a woman for a while who didn't seem that competitive at first, but it would come out whenever she did something brag-worthy. Like she'd never say "I'm really excited about my new job!" She'd say "I hope all those suckers who didn't get this job don't hate me too much!" Or if she went on vacation somewhere cool, it was never "Wow, that place was great, I loved it" or even "you should go!" It was always "Haha, sucks to be stuck at home when I was hanging out in HAWAII on the BEACH." She'd say it in kind of a funny way, but after a while I realized that she was just really competitive and liked winning (and was an extremely graceless winner).

Those are the main signs for me -- constantly comparing yourself to others, constantly talking up your accomplishments, turning stuff that shouldn't be competitive into a competition, bragging, being aggressive.

These are amazing descriptions and I know people like this and find them mean spirited and repellent. Spot on.

That's not just competitive, that's pretty badly behaved all round and low class.

PP here. Agreed! And yet I run into behavior like this with some frequency. There are a lot of very competitive people in the DMV. I feel like we should have some kind of universal therapy program to address whatever bad parenting or past trauma causes this.

That said, the people I described above mostly just amuse me because their competing is so naked that it's embarassing. Also, people this competitive are easy to mess with. They are so insecure and it makes their behavior very predictable.

[Anonymous]

The better question is "Why does it bother you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The better question is "Why does it bother you?"

^^ we’ve got a live one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The better question is "Why does it bother you?"

It's an anti-social behavior. If someone is just competitive with themself, as a way to motivate, that's one thing. But people who are competitive with others want to win, and they want others to lose. That is necessarily disruptive to social situations.

Most competitive people are also freeloading on the better social skills of others. The competitive person will be aggressive and challenging, but it can be defused by having people around who don't take the bait, and who know how to change the subject or use empathy to help avoid hurt feelings. That's a lot of work to do to manage a competitive person, and it would be better if they could manage their own behavior better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The better question is "Why does it bother you?"

^^ we’ve got a live one

Heh. That's nothing, you should have seen a thread I started on this topic. I had like 50 pages the first hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister leant appear to be obviously competitive will claim to be always the “chill and relaxed one.” However her competitiveness comes out in instances like the following:

- if I’m talking about listening to some podcasts, she’ll say, “ hm, I should listen to more podcasts.”

- if I say I’m loving dog sitting my friends dog, she’ll go buy a dog.

- if I say I’m getting a certificate for work, she too will start some kind of relevant professional development endeavor.

- she is always dressed to the nines

I see that as you inspiring her to do better.

[Anonymous]

We’re easy to recognize. We live in the houses you wished you lived in, in the neighborhoods you can’t. Our kids go to schools you can’t get get your kids into, and we drive the cars you can’t afford.