Why do women compete with their friends?

[Anonymous]

I have lots of wonderful women in my life and have friends from every era (childhood up through motherhood). But in every phase of life, I feel like my female friendships are plagued by competition and insecurity. I don't understand why it is so often hard for women to just be supportive of each other, without either judgment or jealousy.

I think it really inhibits my ability to be closer with my friends. I think I accepted it more in my 20s and 30s, but now that I'm in my 40s I've found I just have no tolerance for it. I find myself avoiding socializing because I notice all the little competitive jabs and comparative language (not just directed at me, often directed at other women, but that bugs me too) and it just exhausts me. I've started spending a lot more time alone or just with my husband and kids because it just makes me tired to be around.

Why do women do this?!

[Anonymous]

I've experienced the same thing, op. I'm 42 and years beyond tired of it. My experience has been that friendships will start out well, but the competitive/insecure ways eventually show up.

[Anonymous]

Same here! Im 41 and completely over it.

[Anonymous]

Do women really do that? Weird creatures.

[Anonymous]

Because they aren't friends. Friends don't compete.

[Anonymous]

Evolutionary biology, supposedly.

[Anonymous]

Dude, do you get that men have literally started wars to compete with family and friends? Stop acting like only women do this. Men still out here killing friends aver video games. A son recent,y killed his dad in a fight that started over $5.

[Anonymous]

Get new friends?

I don't even know what you're talking about, OP.

What do you compete about?!? My friends and I don't do this. We support each other. We dress differently, operate on different incomes, parent differently, come from different parts of the world, some of us go to church, some of us don't, some of us work, some of us don't, and yet... we like and support one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get new friends?

I don't even know what you're talking about, OP.

What do you compete about?!? My friends and I don't do this. We support each other. We dress differently, operate on different incomes, parent differently, come from different parts of the world, some of us go to church, some of us don't, some of us work, some of us don't, and yet... we like and support one another.

You must be in my circle of friends! I cannot relate to the OP's experience.

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman and I don’t compete with my friends.

I do have one friend who is like this. She’s always had for the most part a “better” life and more success than me. The tables have turned more recently and she has gotten almost mean to me. I think I’m going to shift her into frenemy territory and distance myself.

There is another in my group of friends who is sort of like this. I distance myself from her as a result.

I know what you are talking about, but many women are not like that.

[Anonymous]

Never started it but I refuse to have friends like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dude, do you get that men have literally started wars to compete with family and friends? Stop acting like only women do this. Men still out here killing friends aver video games. A son recent,y killed his dad in a fight that started over $5.

which war?

[Anonymous]

OP, I wonder if you may just be more observant and sensitive to this stuff than other people are. I know what you are talking about, but I think a lot of it just slips past most people. Like I have a couple friends who I feel like are always competing with each other over things like whose house is nicer or how their kids are doing in school, and their comments to each other really bother me. They will also bring each other up with me individually, and there is always an edge to it. I really hate it and it stresses me out, but they don't seem to care. One of them even told me that she likes having a "rival" because it keeps her on her toes.

But I can't stand it and have basically stopped spending time with either of them because I'm just sensitive to conflict. It is sad because the three of us were pretty tight when we were younger and they are two of my oldest friends. But I've discovered that we approach life differently, and now I focus more on other relationships that don't have this competitive dynamic.

Maybe you are like me, OP, and you just need to find people who operate on your frequency.

[Anonymous]

The competition that annoys me the most is when it's related to comparisons of children. That is hands down the quickest way to get me to cut a friend off. Children are off limits. If your insecurities run so deep that you need to compare kids, I will see you to the door with a quickness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they aren't friends. Friends don't compete.

+1 My closest, truest friends—I have 3 of them—aren’t like this at all. Totally non-competitive. But then there are the “friends,” who are more often than not mom’s of my kids’ friends, who are competitive in subtle ways. And I have to be nice to them and keep up the facade