Is mom being unreasonable? Or am I?

[Anonymous]

My mom used to live 2.5 hours away, with no traffic. Prior to that she was on the west coast for a few years. So she has always lived where it suited her, not where her family was. Last year she moved a bit closer to the DC area, about 2 hours from us. This is near the Delaware beaches, so two hours can easily be four hours in a normal year with all the beach traffic. She is upset with us because she “moved closer to family and still rarely sees us.” We have two kids and we both work full time, busy jobs with no help. Pre-pandemic we visited her a couple times after she moved, but since then we have seen her once. She’s hurt because she feels so alone even though we live “close” by. A two hour drive on a good day is not an easy trip for us - how do others feel? Am I right to think she is being unreasonable? I feel bad we don’t see her often but if she really wanted to be close, she should have moved closer.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 kids, full time jobs, and a second home just over 2 hours from our primary residence (with no traffic) and drive there almost every weekend. So I think you’re being a bit silly that a 2 hour trip is not easy. If you do it more often it will become easier. Also, is she unable to drive to you? You’re both being a bit unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that your house is open to her whenever she wants to come.

[Anonymous]

How often do you see each other? How often does she come to you? Is she always welcome to come to you or do you limit her visits?

[Anonymous]

Mom, I’m sorry you are hurt.

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to live 2.5 hours away, with no traffic. Prior to that she was on the west coast for a few years. So she has always lived where it suited her, not where her family was. Last year she moved a bit closer to the DC area, about 2 hours from us. This is near the Delaware beaches, so two hours can easily be four hours in a normal year with all the beach traffic. She is upset with us because she “moved closer to family and still rarely sees us.” We have two kids and we both work full time, busy jobs with no help. Pre-pandemic we visited her a couple times after she moved, but since then we have seen her once. She’s hurt because she feels so alone even though we live “close” by. A two hour drive on a good day is not an easy trip for us - how do others feel? Am I right to think she is being unreasonable? I feel bad we don’t see her often but if she really wanted to be close, she should have moved closer.

2 hours is not “close”, she’s is being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Its close and for a weekend trip not during the summer is reasonable but why not invite her to your house?

[Anonymous]

Hm. I eventually settled about 140 miles from my mom's home. While she still lived there I made it up there a half dozen times a year, and she visited here at least as often. If beach traffic makes the trip longer, shoot for visits during the winter season.

[Anonymous]

How did your mom pick this particular area? Is it near any other siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How often do you see each other? How often does she come to you? Is she always welcome to come to you or do you limit her visits?

This is OP - she moved last August and we saw her in September and again at thanksgiving. Then she was out of the country from December through January or we would have seen her again during that time. Then the pandemic hit so we didn’t visit until July. Tried to make a few trips since then but haven’t been able to as things came up. We are planning to visit the m in two weeks again.
To the PP who visits their beach house every weekend, that’s great that you can do that, but it sounds exhausting to me but everyone is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you see each other? How often does she come to you? Is she always welcome to come to you or do you limit her visits?

This is OP - she moved last August and we saw her in September and again at thanksgiving. Then she was out of the country from December through January or we would have seen her again during that time. Then the pandemic hit so we didn’t visit until July. Tried to make a few trips since then but haven’t been able to as things came up. We are planning to visit the m in two weeks again.
To the PP who visits their beach house every weekend, that’s great that you can do that, but it sounds exhausting to me but everyone is different.

PP - you don’t have to do it every weekend but you can do it 4-8 times a year with a tiny bit of effort. You make it sound like it’s a ton of work but I really isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did your mom pick this particular area? Is it near any other siblings?

She is a little less than two hours from one of my sisters but used to be about 30 minutes from her. Other two siblings are in NYC so no, she didn’t pick this location based on proximity to any of us. The main reasons were to move to a lower COL area and to be near the beach.
She is always welcome to come to visit it us but rarely does so.

[Anonymous]

OP again - to clarify, if it weren’t for the pandemic we would definitely have seen her several times this past year. We did see her multiple times between aug 2019-jan 2020. I think the time this past year of not seeing each other is really clouding her memory.

[Anonymous]

I would choose to reframe this in your mind as: "I miss you!"

Gives you a few options.

1) I know! I miss you, too!
2) We'd love to see you - when would be a good time for you to visit?
3) Yes, it's been too long! We'd love to come visit on XX day. Are you free then? (this works even if XX day is 3 months from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would choose to reframe this in your mind as: "I miss you!"

Gives you a few options.

1) I know! I miss you, too!
2) We'd love to see you - when would be a good time for you to visit?
3) Yes, it's been too long! We'd love to come visit on XX day. Are you free then? (this works even if XX day is 3 months from now.

PP is wise, OP. Listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids, full time jobs, and a second home just over 2 hours from our primary residence (with no traffic) and drive there almost every weekend. So I think you’re being a bit silly that a 2 hour trip is not easy. If you do it more often it will become easier. Also, is she unable to drive to you? You’re both being a bit unreasonable.

+1 I don't see how a 2 hour drive is that big of a deal. It can take me 45 minutes to an hour to drive my kids home from school in DC in normal times. So a little bit more than that and they would be at Grandma's? That seems like a no-brainer.