Is mom being unreasonable? Or am I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids, full time jobs, and a second home just over 2 hours from our primary residence (with no traffic) and drive there almost every weekend. So I think you’re being a bit silly that a 2 hour trip is not easy. If you do it more often it will become easier. Also, is she unable to drive to you? You’re both being a bit unreasonable.

I was going to say this exact same thing, right down to the number of kids and the frequency of which I go to my weekend home. And, OP, there really hasn't been beach traffic since Covid. In another year, you could have pulled that card, but not this year.

Wow must be nice. Regular people can’t be at their (or anyone’s) beach houses every week.

+1. Who would do our house chores on the weekend? Our grocery shopping? Meal prep for the week? Are we supposed to cram it all in Monday through Thursday while we both work full time and parent two toddlers?

Mother can drive to OP once a month. OP can drive to her once a month. Alternate so it's not as much of a burden on anyone.

I must have better time management skills because yes I do get everything done from Monday to Thursday plus find time to workout everyday and deal with my SN child’s therapy and school issues. My point though is that this isn’t a time issue. OP just needs to be honest about where it falls on her priority list. As a PP said, boundaries are great but then she just has to be ok with her mother’s reaction.

Yeah, I think you're right that this is about priorities. OP just needs to be honest with her mom that her mom doesn't fall anywhere on her priority list. OP would rather deprive her kids than put herself out a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids, full time jobs, and a second home just over 2 hours from our primary residence (with no traffic) and drive there almost every weekend. So I think you’re being a bit silly that a 2 hour trip is not easy. If you do it more often it will become easier. Also, is she unable to drive to you? You’re both being a bit unreasonable.

I was going to say this exact same thing, right down to the number of kids and the frequency of which I go to my weekend home. And, OP, there really hasn't been beach traffic since Covid. In another year, you could have pulled that card, but not this year.

Wow must be nice. Regular people can’t be at their (or anyone’s) beach houses every week.

+1. Who would do our house chores on the weekend? Our grocery shopping? Meal prep for the week? Are we supposed to cram it all in Monday through Thursday while we both work full time and parent two toddlers?

Mother can drive to OP once a month. OP can drive to her once a month. Alternate so it's not as much of a burden on anyone.

If you are suggesting that OP should spend half of her weekends with her mother, you are out of your mind.

[Anonymous]

You are both being unreasonable. Can you have an actual. On-defensive conversation about what’s important to each of you? Could your mom meet you 1/2 way and keep the kids every other month? Could she come see you sometime (remember any trip to you likely means trips to other siblings. Go see her every other weekend and set the date so she has something to look forward to. Lots of ways to compromise.

[Anonymous]

It's October. You've gone to see you mom once this year. Which is definitely a choice that you're allowed to make. However, be honest (with yourself) - it because seeing her is not important to you, NOT because you're so busy or because 2 hours is a long drive.

[Anonymous]

Wow. This thread must be from 2019 or the posters must not care about their 60+ year old parents during a pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you see each other? How often does she come to you? Is she always welcome to come to you or do you limit her visits?

This is OP - she moved last August and we saw her in September and again at thanksgiving. Then she was out of the country from December through January or we would have seen her again during that time. Then the pandemic hit so we didn’t visit until July. Tried to make a few trips since then but haven’t been able to as things came up. We are planning to visit the m in two weeks again.
To the PP who visits their beach house every weekend, that’s great that you can do that, but it sounds exhausting to me but everyone is different.

PP - you don’t have to do it every weekend but you can do it 4-8 times a year with a tiny bit of effort. You make it sound like it’s a ton of work but I really isn’t to you.

Fixed that for you.

With work, after school activities/sports, dr. appts. and other appointments, the last thing some people want to do is spend hours in the car on a weekend. That's if you even can with kid activities and the like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids, full time jobs, and a second home just over 2 hours from our primary residence (with no traffic) and drive there almost every weekend. So I think you’re being a bit silly that a 2 hour trip is not easy. If you do it more often it will become easier. Also, is she unable to drive to you? You’re both being a bit unreasonable.

+1 I don't see how a 2 hour drive is that big of a deal. It can take me 45 minutes to an hour to drive my kids home from school in DC in normal times. So a little bit more than that and they would be at Grandma's? That seems like a no-brainer.

Some of us arranged our lives so we’re not spending hours driving everyday. Just because your standard workday involves wasting your life in a car doesn’t mean everyone wants that life. Driving 2 hours each way is significant for me and I would find it tiring to do this frequently. Besides why isn’t her mom visiting HER? In what universe is it easier for FOUR people to travel than ONE person. Common sense.

NP. Perhaps her mom, being older, doesn't feel comfortable driving in DC traffic? That seems to be a common sense notion that didn't occur to you. And it is fun for kids to get away to go see Grandma. Another common sense explanation that doesn't seem to fit your "it's all about me" paradigm. I can't believe that you're such a precious snowflake that a 2 hour drive would be significant and tiring for you. Sheesh.

Please. If grandma can travel all over the world, she can drive 2 hours to visit her daughter. She just doesn’t want to.

And yes, it is difficult for me to travel with young children. I find the sound of a baby screaming non-stop stressful — doing that for 2 hours is hellish. I also prefer not to stress out an infant to accommodate demanding adults. OTOH driving in broad daylight while listening to a podcast as an adult is not a big deal. I wouldn’t want to do it everyday, but it would not be difficult to do this occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids, full time jobs, and a second home just over 2 hours from our primary residence (with no traffic) and drive there almost every weekend. So I think you’re being a bit silly that a 2 hour trip is not easy. If you do it more often it will become easier. Also, is she unable to drive to you? You’re both being a bit unreasonable.

I was going to say this exact same thing, right down to the number of kids and the frequency of which I go to my weekend home. And, OP, there really hasn't been beach traffic since Covid. In another year, you could have pulled that card, but not this year.

Wow must be nice. Regular people can’t be at their (or anyone’s) beach houses every week.

They can also afford cleaning service, so no chores on weekend.

We have plenty of chores, but we don’t go to our country house every weekend, and we manage our time so we get things done as needed. I do a lot of shopping/cooking/meal prep on weekends in the country and bring things home.

That sounds like torture to me. Planning, packing, unpacking, 4+ hours of driving, etc., weekend after weekend. Having a second house to maintain. I believe that you enjoy it, but I don’t understand how.

[Anonymous]

“Things came up” and you couldn’t make it ONE weekend between July and now?

Admit it, you don’t really want to see your mom that much. There may be a good reason (she’s not that fun to visit, she’s mean to you/DH/kids, etc.) but own up to it.

At the least come up with some reasonable sounding reasons and not resorting to language that makes you look flaky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Things came up” and you couldn’t make it ONE weekend between July and now?

Admit it, you don’t really want to see your mom that much. There may be a good reason (she’s not that fun to visit, she’s mean to you/DH/kids, etc.) but own up to it.

At the least come up with some reasonable sounding reasons and not resorting to language that makes you look flaky.

Yeah that just isn’t very credible. Clearly this isn’t about the hours in the car or chores or the stuff coming up, it’s about the relationship. And it’s ok to have a bad relationship with your mom but don’t pretend to be confused when she notices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Things came up” and you couldn’t make it ONE weekend between July and now?

Admit it, you don’t really want to see your mom that much. There may be a good reason (she’s not that fun to visit, she’s mean to you/DH/kids, etc.) but own up to it.

At the least come up with some reasonable sounding reasons and not resorting to language that makes you look flaky.

Interesting take. Why couldn’t grandma visit OP one weekend between July and now???

Maybe she doesn’t want to see OP and just wants to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 kids, full time jobs, and a second home just over 2 hours from our primary residence (with no traffic) and drive there almost every weekend. So I think you’re being a bit silly that a 2 hour trip is not easy. If you do it more often it will become easier. Also, is she unable to drive to you? You’re both being a bit unreasonable.

This is a choice you made. Not everyone wants to spend a minimum of 4 hours per weekend on the road. Personally it sounds like a form of torture to me, but that's how I feel about driving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Things came up” and you couldn’t make it ONE weekend between July and now?

Admit it, you don’t really want to see your mom that much. There may be a good reason (she’s not that fun to visit, she’s mean to you/DH/kids, etc.) but own up to it.

At the least come up with some reasonable sounding reasons and not resorting to language that makes you look flaky.

Yeah that just isn’t very credible. Clearly this isn’t about the hours in the car or chores or the stuff coming up, it’s about the relationship. And it’s ok to have a bad relationship with your mom but don’t pretend to be confused when she notices.

This is OP and this made me laugh. I was vague because I don’t need to explain to random people why I was unable to go. Let’s just say both times were because of my mom. I know it’s still vague but you people will still find a way to direct your own issues onto others. My original question was just about the distance -2 hours - and whether others agree that it’s not considered “local”. Thanks to those who offered real advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Things came up” and you couldn’t make it ONE weekend between July and now?

Admit it, you don’t really want to see your mom that much. There may be a good reason (she’s not that fun to visit, she’s mean to you/DH/kids, etc.) but own up to it.

At the least come up with some reasonable sounding reasons and not resorting to language that makes you look flaky.

Yeah that just isn’t very credible. Clearly this isn’t about the hours in the car or chores or the stuff coming up, it’s about the relationship. And it’s ok to have a bad relationship with your mom but don’t pretend to be confused when she notices.

This is OP and this made me laugh. I was vague because I don’t need to explain to random people why I was unable to go. Let’s just say both times were because of my mom. I know it’s still vague but you people will still find a way to direct your own issues onto others. My original question was just about the distance -2 hours - and whether others agree that it’s not considered “local”. Thanks to those who offered real advice.

Technically you could do a day trip for 2 hours. Can you agree to meet half way for a few hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her that your house is open to her whenever she wants to come.

This would not be true in my case. I think she’s being unreasonable, but I do think you should do a day trip out there.