Surviving verbal abuse growing up and translation to workforce

[Anonymous]

Can anyone relate to this who has a history of being the target of a verbally abusive parent?

Couldn't find an old thread on the weird almost positive side of surviving verbal and emotional abuse from a narc or borderline parent and the strange deranged positive result of building resilience. I once again got feedback today on how well I handled a very abusive client and de-escalated the situation during a video conference. It was in a way a little bit of re-traumatizing, but it also felt so normal. She could not manage her emotion, just like mom, so I stayed calm. I tried to get to what the actual issue was and ignore the nastiness. I admitted something I had done that seemed to make a situation worse. I was able to de-escalate the situation and end with a plan going forward.

I am drained from the meeting, but nothing like the drained feeling I got dealing with my mother and her abusive anger tirades. I could sometimes de-escalate those as well, but at least in the workplace with witnesses people do eventually get down to business. I do still go into little girl mode where an inner voice tells me I deserve the treatment. Luckily as an adult I made a good choice in who I married and I have gotten away from some pretty crazy workplaces. While I won this client over, I will give her to someone else the first chance I get.

[Anonymous]

Totally relate. My mom, who is at her heart a decent person, was horrible to me growing up. I get where it comes from now, but of course when I was younger I thought it was about me. I am somebody who is described so often as "calm" it's kind of a joke between my DH and I. But I work in health care and deal with some difficult/explosive patients pretty regularly and I definitely fall in to a set of coping skills I imagine are based on how I handled things growing up.

[Anonymous]

That’s funny, because I think all the time about how my family of origin has kind of effed me up for the workplace, because I’m overly sensitive to criticism.

I finally went to therapy but mainly because of my workplace drama. The rest of my life was actually going fine. It has helped immensely.

[Anonymous]

Hmm I shut down when people yell at me. I recently had a screamer for a boss and I told her I wasn't able to understand what she was trying to say to me because she was screaming. It was true and she took her voice to a normal level.

[Anonymous]

This is probably messed up to share and will sound like I am somehow lucky to have been screamed at so much and told I was garbage, but...

One of my friends had the most nurturing and loving parents who only wanted their kids to be happy and feel loved. If a teacher was every perceived as mean they were on it. If a kid at school said something mean, they were on it right away.

Well she never could handle the workplace because everyone was too mean. She finally started her own business but had trouble keeping customers because they didn't treat her the way she expected.

She is fortunate her husband made enough that it didn't really matter, but she can still obsess about workplace drama from 20 years ago. I have been dealt with so many crazy people in the workplace, but I only obsess about it while it's happening. Then, I'm so over it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can totally relate.

I have also learned that this ability is really just extreme compartmentalizations. I have to yell at the wall later.

[Anonymous]

No, but as a client who was going through a VERY horrible legal and family situation, I will say there were a few times I flew off the handle that I am now embarrassed by. And I had an attorney who was able to handle that and calm me down rather than escalate things by getting mad back. So, those are useful skills. And the abusive client may be grateful to you for de-escalating and may be embarrassed by what they did. So, while clients should not act that way, kudos to you for having the ability to handle that well.

[Anonymous]

Flip side example

My parents were both in the spectrum so never scolded or talked about anything. Now I can’t handle even the slightest question as I fear I’m being slighted and quickly back track or change the subject or disappear. It took getting diagnosed myself and a pattern with breakups to realize the is bad habit. It is still hard for me to talk through an issue, I want to avoid it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally relate. My mom, who is at her heart a decent person, was horrible to me growing up. I get where it comes from now, but of course when I was younger I thought it was about me. I am somebody who is described so often as "calm" it's kind of a joke between my DH and I. But I work in health care and deal with some difficult/explosive patients pretty regularly and I definitely fall in to a set of coping skills I imagine are based on how I handled things growing up.

I am also described as calm for similar reasons.

At work, I took jobs with bosses like my abusive parent and was verbally abused at work. My comfort zone.

Eventually, I saw what I was doing and made changes.

But yeah. People say I am very calm.

Had another abusive situation in a group and it took other people getting upset with the abuser for me to see how bad it was. The terrible person seemed normal at first to me.

[Anonymous]

Interesting.

I also dealt with a ton of verbal abuse as a child.

I'm such an anxious person and feel crazy inside, but people always tell me how calm I seemed during a hard situation. This might have more to do with hiding my reactions, though, so I didn't become more of a target.

[Anonymous]

Wow, how interesting. My mom was and is insane. I am always described as so calm and chill by others. What is this about, I wonder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s funny, because I think all the time about how my family of origin has kind of effed me up for the workplace, because I’m overly sensitive to criticism.

I finally went to therapy but mainly because of my workplace drama. The rest of my life was actually going fine. It has helped immensely.

Yeah, this is me. I think it can depend on circumstances beyond the abuse. I was the third of four kids, so rarely tapped to be the peacemaker or designated adult by our parents (that fell to my older siblings). Instead I have crippling low self-esteem, a tendency to over invest in people who offer me attention or praise (making me susceptible to repeating abusive relationships), and eager to please. I wish I had gotten those skills for defusing abusive people— would have helped then and now.

[Anonymous]

Of all the possible trauma responses —fight, flight, or freeze— I freeze. I find that I do whatever it takes to stop the workplace conflict, which often means over-promising and subsequently underdelivering. Because I am so “nice,” people sense that they can be pushy, rude, even abusive without any pushback from me.

I’m working on learning responses that will help like “Let’s talk again when we’re both feeling calmer,” or “Can you give me some time to think about good solutions” (because I know I don’t think clearly in my frozen state).

[Anonymous]

I would (,and have,) ended conference/meeting by saying, " feelings are getting heated and I am ending this conference and give all of us an opportunity to cool down. We can pick up again at a mutually convenient time. Thank you so much."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would (,and have,) ended conference/meeting by saying, " feelings are getting heated and I am ending this conference and give all of us an opportunity to cool down. We can pick up again at a mutually convenient time. Thank you so much."

the response to these comments would only escalate. How would you handle the escalation? Just disconnect from the conference? I like your idea, just don't see it ending well.