Helllppp!!! Child won’t listen unless I yell
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Anonymous
| 5 yo DS. Example- he eats a sticky breakfast and needs to wash hands. We tell him Larlo wash hands. He gets down from chair, asks a question. I say Larlo wash hands, he starts discussing something with the tutor. Tutor says wash hands, he asks her a question. Finally I yell WASH HANDS and he does it but he’s crushed that I yelled and I then spend 10 min comforting him. This happens daily for putting on shoes and daily chores like toy pick up. It ruins our day multiple times per day. |
Anonymous
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Try rephrasing it. Don't just tell him to wash his hands.
Make it his choice by saying something like do you want to wash your hands in the kitchen sink with the lemon soap or in the bathroom sink using the Mickey Mouse soap. |
Anonymous
| Do you want a stick bun? Ok, but you have to promise to wash your hands after. |
Anonymous
Unfortunately it’s just things like oranges so not a high value item. |
Anonymous
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OP, this is a very common problem. Kids love to tune out the stuff they don't want to hear.
For tasks like hand-washing, I try to focus on the progression of events. Larlo, once you wash your hands, you get to go play the numbers game with the tutor. Or Larlo, once you wash your hands, its time to go to the park. Often kids don't want to do these little in-between tasks, but if you can remind them that the next thing is better, you get there. Another thing to pay attention to is how much time you spend giving your kid directions. If it's a lot (wash your hands, put your dish by the sink, go get dressed, etc.) you may need to come up with a different approach. Reward charts are great for stuff like this. What are the things he has to do every morning before school? Create a chart with those tasks, tell him that once they are all done, he gets a reward (it can be really simple, some stickers or a bowl of Bombas, whatever your kid considers a special treat that is still within your parenting philosophy). It works! Instead of giving an order, you can ask questions like "Have you finished your chart?" or "What's the next thing on your chart?" It gives him some autonomy and motivation and frees you both from a rhythm of giving and taking directions. And if you can reduce the amount of order-giving you give during these high friction times (usually getting ready times and transitions), you may find your kid listens a little better to other dictions because he no longer feels like he's getting orders all the time. |
Anonymous
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In your scenario it sounds like he just isn't listening or processing what you are saying. With my toddler I say "1,2,3 eyes on me. Are your ears listening?" and then repeat myself when I know I have her full attention. With an older kid, I'd probably just ask them to repeat what I just said so they process the task I'm giving them.
Whispering instead of yelling works too. When you speak really quietly, they have to stop what they're doing and focus on what you're saying. It's light hearted and sillier than yelling as well so usually gets a positive reaction. -Nanny of 15 years, mom of 3.5 years that's never yelled at a kid |
Anonymous
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My almost 5 year old does this too. Part of it is tuning out, part of it is straight resistance (once she acknowledges, I get an "uuughhhhh mom, but I don't want to!). She's an otherwise lovely, generally cooperative kid, so I think it's a developmental thing. And good preparation for the teen years! The fact that he's still getting upset at the yelling is good, I think? At least he's not totally used to it and tuning out the yelling?
What somewhat works is if I say "Larla, look at me with your eyes. I told you to wash your hands. You are not listening - go wash your hands or I'll have to yell at you/help you (i.e., make her)/you'll be in trouble (i.e., time out)." Then I get an "ugh, fine!!" and begrudging compliance. Or sometimes it escalates, then I follow through with whatever warning I gave. It's not great, but also came on sort of all of a sudden, so I think it's a phase that will pass. Good luck, this too shall pass (as long as you actually make him listen and don't give in). |
Anonymous
I think a good way to avoid this sort of conflict is to talk about what will be happening next, before it happens. For instance, before it is time To wash hands, I would get down to his eye level and say, “when you are done eating, you need to put your plate in the sink and wash your hands”. Do not answer any questions or entertain his conversation until he has completed that task. He will pick up on the social cue that people are not answering him and that he needs to complete the task. If he seems to still not be getting it, I would say “we can talk about that when you are done with your task”. During this time, don’t get hyped up. Relax and maybe sip some water and pretend that you are busy. |
Anonymous
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I have a similar problem, although my kid is younger (under 3). He regularly does a variety of dangerous, or otherwise bad/damaging activities, around the house. I try to talk to him about why is is bad/dangerous (he's non-verbal, but I think understands a lot). I try to redirect him. Nothing works. He just ignores me or, if I physically move him and put him in a timeout, he just goes right back to doing it when he's free.
The only way he'll pause even temporarily is to yell at him. And then he cries and cries and cries. |
Anonymous
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He’s hearing, but you haven’t demonstrated that you mean business, so he’s ignoring you. He knows he’s got plenty of time before you escalate to yelling. It’s a sort of passive-aggressive stubbornness, but it’s often just as effective as other kids’ heel-digging tantrums.
Mine used to do the exact same thing, until our wise and wonderful preschool director pointed it out. Here’s what he recommended, which worked like a charm once we implemented it consistently: Give the instruction. [ignores] Repeat the instruction, and add a consequence for not complying. [ignores] Apply the consequence. It will take a few rounds of this, in a variety of circumstances, before you start to see a difference. But it will work, especially if you can set consequences close in time, and related to the thing you want them to do. Wherever possible (it won’t always be), it should be less a punishment (e.g., no screens) and more a natural outgrowth of ignoring your instructions: “Please go wash your hands. This is the last time I will tell you. If you don’t wash your hands right now, you won’t be able to have a snack.” Try to get to eye level, and stay clear, firm, and matter-of-fact. Make sure your voice doesn’t rise at the end, so you don’t imply that there’s a question here. Then calmly ignore all the protests (I know, it’s hard, but take deep breaths and walk away if you need to), move on to something else, and stick to your words. It’s not a threat, not a punishment, it’s just the way it is. “Sorry, I told you to wash your hands, and you just went back to your game. You didn’t wash your hands when I told you to, so now we’ll have to skip the snack.” Them move on to whatever the next activity would be. Treat it as a neutral, abstract thing, if you don’t do X then Y will happen, not something he’s doing to please or displease you. It just IS. There may be tantrums at first, but work through it. Escalating pushback is an extinction burst, and means it’s working—he’s trying one last-ditch tactic to see if you’ll cave. Hang tight! It’s short-term pain for long-term gain, once he sees you do mean business, even though you’re not yelling or negotiating. Hang in there, and good luck! You can do this. |
Anonymous
PP here—sorry for the novel!—here’s the tl:dr Give the instruction. [ignores] Repeat the instruction, and add a consequence for not complying. [ignores] Apply the consequence. |
Anonymous
| How To Talk So Kids Will Listen is a good resource. I"m not great at this, but I think as parents we just have to have the will and follow through to establish a rule and a routine. The rule is he washes hands every time after eating (only when hands are sticky gives too much space for negotiation). You commit that for two weeks, every time he is done eating you will escort him to the sink and stand there while he washes his hands. Any question is met with, "good question, we'll take about it when your hands are clean." After two weeks, you continue to give him a verbal instruction, but he should have a routine with a body memory. |
Anonymous
| If he starts talking to you or the tutor instead of washing his hands, just say: "I'll answer you as soon as you wash your hands, Larlo." Repeat if necessary. |
Anonymous
| Yep, I have had to learn this tactic with my 4 yo re using the potty. She will stall forever, and I have to reach a point where I tell her that nothing else will happen until she takes a bathroom break. It takes a lot of patience to remain calm, and I don’t always succeed, but it usually works. |
Anonymous
I found that book very naive. Do other kids really react to the techniques in that book? If your kid doesn't respond to talking or consequences there's basically nothing left in that book. I really don't know how unusual my kid is. He scores pretty high on the autism screening questionnaires at the pediatrician, but subjectively is quite social so they mostly write it off. |