Toddler not adjusting well to nanny being back
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Anonymous
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Our nanny was off for an extended period of time due to Covid and just came back last Thursday. We hired her when our now 16 month old was only 4 months, but we haven’t seen her since early April. So, she only worked with us for roughly 6 months and then was off for almost 6 months.
Previously, she seemed great with the baby who was very happy when with her from what I could tell when I worked from home on occasion, and the baby adjusted and took to her pretty much immediately. It’s only day 3, but since she has been back my DD has been really unhappy pretty much all day, hysterically crying on and off and getting really worked up. Our nanny is super sweet and nurturing so I don’t know what the issue is. I can hear her trying to console DD from the other room (I am still WFH but hide in my room all day) but she is just so upset. I have not intervened because I don’t think it will help the situation but am trying to help the nanny behind the scenes. I should add that we had a college aged sitter come for 4-5 hours per day throughout the summer and DD was fine with her, so this seems kind of odd. So it’s not like DD has only been with me and is adjusting back to someone else. How long should we give it before thinking this is more than just an adjustment issue? Any advice? |
Anonymous
| I would definitely give it longer than three days! It takes little ones awhile to adjust to schedule and caretaker changes and that's completely normal. I'd give it a good two weeks before I'd worry, especially since you have had a previous good relationship with this nanny. |
Anonymous
+1. This is not about the quality of your nanny! |
Anonymous
| How is this the nanny's fault? It isn't. |
Anonymous
Op here, not saying it’s the nanny’s fault but it’s a bit odd since my DD doesn’t have issues with other sitters. I had a sitter for a few hours on Saturday and DD was happy the whole time. Now she is just crying the whole day on and off which isn’t like her. I am not watching the nanny to see what she is or is not doing since I am trying to stay away, but for some reason they just aren’t clicking. |
Anonymous
| So you worked out of the house when you had the nanny initially, and you've been home with DD for 6 months without the nanny? She may some association that nanny=you gone for the day. |
Anonymous
| Let her go with good reference so she can get a much better job with someone who isn't paranoid! |
Anonymous
Is the sitter someone she’s seen at least once a month for the last few months? If she hasn’t seen the nanny in six months, the nanny might as well be new. |
Anonymous
I’d get another nanny. Your child is picking up on something. |
Anonymous
For crying out loud, OP isn't paranoid. It's a reasonable question. OP I agree with PPs who've said she might as well be a new nanny given how young your child is and how long she'd been away, and also that the issue may partly be you're home and your toddler knows it. Those are issues that will resolve over time (unless something really is substantively wrong and IMO it is too early to determine that yet, lacking any direct evidence). Adjustments are hard. You will all get there, promise! |
Anonymous
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So, my guess is that your DD feels that her beloved nanny abandoned her -- and she's now expressing her anger and her fears as best as she can, without the language skills or the emotional wherewithal to do much more than convey how upset she is now. If I understand this correctly, she has now also lost the babysitter that she clearly enjoyed being with, and, to top it off, when she's with the nanny, her parents disappear. She's dealing with a LOT of losses, and the return of her nanny must be confusing -- and tinged with the possibility that she could disappear again. This is a LOT for a young toddler to deal with -- especially without the language skills or sense of time that would support an older child.
It sounds like the nanny is doing a great job. I have no idea how long it will take for your daughter to trust that the nanny will continue to return each day -- but I'd measure it in weeks to months vs a couple of days. I also think it could be a good idea to put in place some routines that include your daughter, the nanny and yourself -- such as taking five minutes to discuss future plans and maybe even put them on a calendar -- so your daughter can experience having both of you in her life at the same moment, and can perhaps begin to get some support from the sense of planning for the future. So today you can plan for her to decorate cupcakes with the nanny. Then, tomorrow, you can both remind her that 'TODAY" will be cupcake day -- just like they talked about Yesterday. She's not likely to understand the calendar or even today/tomorrow -- but she can grow to understand and trust that the things that you and the nanny say will happen actually do. Since it sounds like you both trust and like the nanny, and the nanny sounds wonderfully patient, I think it should take as long as it takes. IE: How long would it take you to adjust to the abrupt departure of a central loved one from your life? How would you feel if they abruptly -- and capriciously -- returned? How much worse would it be if you didn't have the language skills to talk out and understand some reasonable explanations? It sounds like your daughter is handling this emotionally laden confusion and multiple losses with all the aplomb that one could reasonably expect from a young toddler. |
Anonymous
| Give it two weeks. |
Anonymous
| She knows you’re home. She’s at peak separation anxiety age. She may actually subconsciously remember nanny and that she left her before. More likely though she’s used to being home with you all day. And she knows you’re still there. And did I mention peak separation anxiety age? 4 month olds will quickly warm up to anyone if they aren’t SN/particularly difficult. 16 month olds? Not so much. |