Best tips for surviving a Borderline Mother?

[Anonymous]

What helped you deal with the after effects of a borderline personality mother?
Need the best resources (types of counseling, SSRI?, books or websites) that helped you do better after growing up in this kind of environment.

[Anonymous]

In my case, it's my father who has borderline personality disorder. I'm doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with my counselor, which is helping me reframe my thinking that I'm unlovable because of how my father treated me. I also found "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to help me draw better boundaries with my father a few years ago. Unfortunately, I got exhausted from constantly drawing boundaries and now I've cut off contact with him. It's helping me heal.

[Anonymous]

Good luck

[Anonymous]

https://outofthefog.website/

[Anonymous]

1.) Set boundaries and enforce them calmly. Expect her to stomp on them, but don't give in.

2.) Never give an emotional reaction-stay calm.

3.) Keep in touch by email and text so you have written proof of tirades. Only meet in public places with witnesses or now you can use the Covid excuse not to meet or to keep it outside from a distance in PUBLIC.

4.) Give up caring what other people think. In an effort to feel powerful they will badmouth you to others and shame you. it only matters if it matters...let of letting it matter.

5.) Always have an exit plan if you dare talk by phone or see the person in private or even in public.

6.) Know you are not alone. Many of us have a parent with a personality disorder and have dealt with abuse.

[Anonymous]

Total no contact. Unfortunately that was the only thing that stopped the attacks. Actually even that didn't stop them but at least there was a buffer. Good luck. It's like having an alligator eating your leg while you're trying to escape through the jungle after a plane crash. When you finally kick off the alligator, you can at least focus on other aspects of survival. I found focusing on my kids with blinders on really helpful. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I’m also a no contact advocate. When I mean no contact, I wouldn’t even open the front door to the crazy woman. There’s no surviving, only thriving when you’re free of the madness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

1.) Set boundaries and enforce them calmly. Expect her to stomp on them, but don't give in.

2.) Never give an emotional reaction-stay calm.

3.) Keep in touch by email and text so you have written proof of tirades. Only meet in public places with witnesses or now you can use the Covid excuse not to meet or to keep it outside from a distance in PUBLIC.

4.) Give up caring what other people think. In an effort to feel powerful they will badmouth you to others and shame you. it only matters if it matters...let of letting it matter.

5.) Always have an exit plan if you dare talk by phone or see the person in private or even in public.

6.) Know you are not alone. Many of us have a parent with a personality disorder and have dealt with abuse.

#4 was really difficult for me. In my case it is my MIL with whom my husband has gone no contact. And I am the one she blames. I know how horrible she was, and years of CBT help with healing the damage and developing better boundaries etc. But it still hurts to hear her lies repeated by other family members. I get tired of the “but you’re so nice, not what we expected” comments. I have a canned response that MIL’s grip on reality isn’t the best and then I move on.

So work with a therapist, consider SSRIs if you are depressed. Make friends with people with healthy boundaries. And develop your go to scripts with your therapists help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m also a no contact advocate. When I mean no contact, I wouldn’t even open the front door to the crazy woman. There’s no surviving, only thriving when you’re free of the madness.

+1. NPD mom and golden child sibling here, both of whom would throw me under the bus for $1. My last contact with them was telling them I will call the police if they ever come to my house.

[Anonymous]

Setting boundaries and enforcing them. Eventually they give up and things can get better but only if you’re consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

1.) Set boundaries and enforce them calmly. Expect her to stomp on them, but don't give in.

2.) Never give an emotional reaction-stay calm.

3.) Keep in touch by email and text so you have written proof of tirades. Only meet in public places with witnesses or now you can use the Covid excuse not to meet or to keep it outside from a distance in PUBLIC.

4.) Give up caring what other people think. In an effort to feel powerful they will badmouth you to others and shame you. it only matters if it matters...let of letting it matter.

5.) Always have an exit plan if you dare talk by phone or see the person in private or even in public.

6.) Know you are not alone. Many of us have a parent with a personality disorder and have dealt with abuse.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

cut out completely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://outofthefog.website/

People keep posting this site, and I have found it of no use. Do you work for the site?

[Anonymous]

I just wonder, if you are emotionally healthy, is it not possible to have compassion for your own mother? I really am curious. My mother is likely NPD, but I have a lot of empathy. She had a crappy childhood, depression, poverty and she tried her best to be a good mom. To this day, I have had a hard time with her, but I also take a very compassionate view and think how horrible it must be for her to feel the way she does every day. I just can't believe how many people on DCUM hate their moms. Have most of you "diagnosed" your mothers through your own therapists?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wonder, if you are emotionally healthy, is it not possible to have compassion for your own mother? I really am curious. My mother is likely NPD, but I have a lot of empathy. She had a crappy childhood, depression, poverty and she tried her best to be a good mom. To this day, I have had a hard time with her, but I also take a very compassionate view and think how horrible it must be for her to feel the way she does every day. I just can't believe how many people on DCUM hate their moms. Have most of you "diagnosed" your mothers through your own therapists?

Depends on the level of cruelty and abuse you endured. In my case, two of my immediate family members died as well so it is likely a more complicated situation than your own mom who “tried her best”.... for people who have been through real abuse, it is healthier to have the boundaries in place than go down with the sinking ship. You just don’t understand.