Family scapegoat

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. Is there a term for a person in the family who is gaslit and blamed for everything? It wasn't until I got married that I realized that my "being the black sheep" as a type of abuse by my family. I am always the enemy while my brother (arrested twice, no job) is the golden child. Has anyone dealt with this? I was told yesterday by 2 family members that I am the most selfish person on the planet for not letting someone borrow money. I give to several charities and have helped my mom leave a house my brother manipulated her into buying and then he never paid her rent. I was blamed because I didn't ask my mom to live with me.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the club. I am the scapegoat too. After making endless sacrifices for my mother, I was called SELFISH when I set boundaries. I wasn't just called it, she shrieked it over and over at the top of her lungs.

SELFISH is a word people with personality disorders use to try to control others. Every time she calls you selfish translate it as..."I don't want you to ever take care of YOU. I, the narcissist, am all that matters!"

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s called something in Psychology. I can’t remember though. Sorry this IS happening to you.

[Anonymous]

Scapegoat is the right word. When 2 people gang up on you, it's triangulating. They are trying to manipulate you.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the club, too. My sister and mom triangulate against me all the time. I’ve cut them both out. Be strong, OP.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the club OP. That's me. i am totally ok with it.

[Anonymous]

Yes the term is family scapegoat and these roles have been built in for so many years that its hard to change but not impossible at least for you anyway, your family will not want this to change.

I am the scapegoat, my sister is the favourite. I have been told to my face that I was the difficult child amongst other things. My mother naturally gets along better with my sister than me and it's an unpleasant relationship between us.

I have found limiting time with them has helped, texting only as my mother won't text put downs in the written word - others can read that, she will usually just do that in person.

I also had to work out my role in it all. Generally we are programmed to react a certain way. I would get upset and angry over things that were justified in being angry about however they would just point at me and say "there she goes again getting upset being difficult", it never occurred to them that they wouldn't treat my sister that way which is why my sister never got upset.

I started seeing them only when I was in the right frame of mind to deal with them. If they started talking about something that would trigger those emotional conversations I stopped engaging. I keep it bland and neutral, don't show any emotion, I don't tell them what is going on in my life. For instance my parents, sister and BIL all went out to dinner as a family after my grandmothers funeral, I wasn't invited. Rather than talk to them about it, I just acknowledged it myself and showed them no emotion and then created more space and protection for myself. Of course at other times I would have thought a dinner is nothing but after a family funeral it definitely felt off.

Op not many people have their family come live with them. You are not selfish. You are protecting yourself. Learn to fill your life with things you enjoy, your families opinion of you is exactly that, their opinion and they will get you to feel pressured to do things to make their life easier, otherwise it may fall on them. That's what the scapegoat is there for, for the family to have someone to blame for all the problems without taking any responsibility themselves. You can reject that role and I suggest you do.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for you OP. I am also my family’s scapegoat. It is extremely painful. I was left out of family decisions after my mother’s death. One sibling said I always like to do things on my own and another sibling told me she felt bad I was the scapegoat. She did nothing to include me. It was beyond painful and has taken me years to get over it. It made my grieving for my mom so very difficult. I finally decided to move on and now have superficial relationships with siblings and just see them at weddings and funerals. I had to take care of me, but still sad for the way things are today. I just do not have energy to try to fix situation. I am very happily married, have wonderful children and grandchildren, and that is where my time and love is spent. It has been so peaceful for me to have my siblings off my radar screen. Life goes on........

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes the term is family scapegoat and these roles have been built in for so many years that its hard to change but not impossible at least for you anyway, your family will not want this to change.

I am the scapegoat, my sister is the favourite. I have been told to my face that I was the difficult child amongst other things. My mother naturally gets along better with my sister than me and it's an unpleasant relationship between us.

I have found limiting time with them has helped, texting only as my mother won't text put downs in the written word - others can read that, she will usually just do that in person.

I also had to work out my role in it all. Generally we are programmed to react a certain way. I would get upset and angry over things that were justified in being angry about however they would just point at me and say "there she goes again getting upset being difficult", it never occurred to them that they wouldn't treat my sister that way which is why my sister never got upset.

I started seeing them only when I was in the right frame of mind to deal with them. If they started talking about something that would trigger those emotional conversations I stopped engaging. I keep it bland and neutral, don't show any emotion, I don't tell them what is going on in my life. For instance my parents, sister and BIL all went out to dinner as a family after my grandmothers funeral, I wasn't invited. Rather than talk to them about it, I just acknowledged it myself and showed them no emotion and then created more space and protection for myself. Of course at other times I would have thought a dinner is nothing but after a family funeral it definitely felt off.

Op not many people have their family come live with them. You are not selfish. You are protecting yourself. Learn to fill your life with things you enjoy, your families opinion of you is exactly that, their opinion and they will get you to feel pressured to do things to make their life easier, otherwise it may fall on them. That's what the scapegoat is there for, for the family to have someone to blame for all the problems without taking any responsibility themselves. You can reject that role and I suggest you do.

For a second I thought I wrote this. Yes to all of this! Emails and texts are perfect. My mother will still misbehave occasionally via email, but at least I have written proof. I have to be in the right frame of mind to visit. The pandemic has helped because I will only visit from outside, far apart. With witnesses we get better behavior. In fact, my mother started to get uppity one time and soon as she spotted her neighbor she put on this fake nice voice and behaved somewhat.

Yes, to staying calm and not getting sucked into showing emotion. They will push your buttons and you can't get upset. When they need you they may use flattery, but don't get too happy with the compliment because it's manipulation.

You absoutely have a right to set your own boundaries. No way in heck would I let my mother live with me. My sister is extremely cruel in private so I won't even see her without witnesses other than my mother who sees her as a Golden child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the club, too. My sister and mom triangulate against me all the time. I’ve cut them both out. Be strong, OP.

This is me exactly. I get really sad about it sometimes - I could have been an amazing sister and daughter to people who weren't dead set on abusing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the club, too. My sister and mom triangulate against me all the time. I’ve cut them both out. Be strong, OP.

This is me exactly. I get really sad about it sometimes - I could have been an amazing sister and daughter to people who weren't dead set on abusing me.

Me too. I have spent most of my life proving my worth to them but they just don't care. It is painful.

[Anonymous]

It's called the "identified patient." I have been this person in my family. Things have gotten a bit better with me implementing strong boundaries, gaining confidence and sticking up for myself, but it still rears its ugly head with my siblings sometimes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identified_patient

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's called the "identified patient." I have been this person in my family. Things have gotten a bit better with me implementing strong boundaries, gaining confidence and sticking up for myself, but it still rears its ugly head with my siblings sometimes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Identified_patient

Wow, that is it! Thank you

[Anonymous]

I find Dr. Ramani's youtube video on narcissistic parents and families very helpful. She even has videos on the scapegoat/Golden child thing.

By the way identified patient and scapegoat are both terms for the same phenomenon in a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes the term is family scapegoat and these roles have been built in for so many years that its hard to change but not impossible at least for you anyway, your family will not want this to change.

I am the scapegoat, my sister is the favourite. I have been told to my face that I was the difficult child amongst other things. My mother naturally gets along better with my sister than me and it's an unpleasant relationship between us.

I have found limiting time with them has helped, texting only as my mother won't text put downs in the written word - others can read that, she will usually just do that in person.

I also had to work out my role in it all. Generally we are programmed to react a certain way. I would get upset and angry over things that were justified in being angry about however they would just point at me and say "there she goes again getting upset being difficult", it never occurred to them that they wouldn't treat my sister that way which is why my sister never got upset.

I started seeing them only when I was in the right frame of mind to deal with them. If they started talking about something that would trigger those emotional conversations I stopped engaging. I keep it bland and neutral, don't show any emotion, I don't tell them what is going on in my life. For instance my parents, sister and BIL all went out to dinner as a family after my grandmothers funeral, I wasn't invited. Rather than talk to them about it, I just acknowledged it myself and showed them no emotion and then created more space and protection for myself. Of course at other times I would have thought a dinner is nothing but after a family funeral it definitely felt off.

Op not many people have their family come live with them. You are not selfish. You are protecting yourself. Learn to fill your life with things you enjoy, your families opinion of you is exactly that, their opinion and they will get you to feel pressured to do things to make their life easier, otherwise it may fall on them. That's what the scapegoat is there for, for the family to have someone to blame for all the problems without taking any responsibility themselves. You can reject that role and I suggest you do.

Are they jealous of you?