Family scapegoat

[Anonymous]

This is so frustrating and sad that parents treat children this way. I can't imagine ever treating my children like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes the term is family scapegoat and these roles have been built in for so many years that its hard to change but not impossible at least for you anyway, your family will not want this to change.

I am the scapegoat, my sister is the favourite. I have been told to my face that I was the difficult child amongst other things. My mother naturally gets along better with my sister than me and it's an unpleasant relationship between us.

I have found limiting time with them has helped, texting only as my mother won't text put downs in the written word - others can read that, she will usually just do that in person.

I also had to work out my role in it all. Generally we are programmed to react a certain way. I would get upset and angry over things that were justified in being angry about however they would just point at me and say "there she goes again getting upset being difficult", it never occurred to them that they wouldn't treat my sister that way which is why my sister never got upset.

I started seeing them only when I was in the right frame of mind to deal with them. If they started talking about something that would trigger those emotional conversations I stopped engaging. I keep it bland and neutral, don't show any emotion, I don't tell them what is going on in my life. For instance my parents, sister and BIL all went out to dinner as a family after my grandmothers funeral, I wasn't invited. Rather than talk to them about it, I just acknowledged it myself and showed them no emotion and then created more space and protection for myself. Of course at other times I would have thought a dinner is nothing but after a family funeral it definitely felt off.

Op not many people have their family come live with them. You are not selfish. You are protecting yourself. Learn to fill your life with things you enjoy, your families opinion of you is exactly that, their opinion and they will get you to feel pressured to do things to make their life easier, otherwise it may fall on them. That's what the scapegoat is there for, for the family to have someone to blame for all the problems without taking any responsibility themselves. You can reject that role and I suggest you do.

This is well written. Scapegoating is done when a family is dysfunctional, and that means the parents are dysfunctional.

At some point in your life, if you're lucky you finally realize it's just not worth it to try to maintain a relationship with people like them. They will harm you if you don't get away from them. It's painful to realize you cannot have a healthy relationship with your family, but ultimately it's freeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so frustrating and sad that parents treat children this way. I can't imagine ever treating my children like this.

It's not always intentional. I had a parent that became seriously ill when I was born, and that's how I became the Identified Patient for my family. All these abrupt changes created a big bang in our family dynamics. It's also not necessarily malice on part of the parents - sometimes they do what they need to cope with stressful times. And a lot of the hurtful "scapegoat" type stuff comes from existing siblings, and carries on into adulthood because the patterns set in motion are very difficult to break.

Also, I don't think parents are even aware of this. They, like you, may think they're great parents. If you're in the system, it's really hard to see the dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes the term is family scapegoat and these roles have been built in for so many years that its hard to change but not impossible at least for you anyway, your family will not want this to change.

I am the scapegoat, my sister is the favourite. I have been told to my face that I was the difficult child amongst other things. My mother naturally gets along better with my sister than me and it's an unpleasant relationship between us.

I have found limiting time with them has helped, texting only as my mother won't text put downs in the written word - others can read that, she will usually just do that in person.

I also had to work out my role in it all. Generally we are programmed to react a certain way. I would get upset and angry over things that were justified in being angry about however they would just point at me and say "there she goes again getting upset being difficult", it never occurred to them that they wouldn't treat my sister that way which is why my sister never got upset.

I started seeing them only when I was in the right frame of mind to deal with them. If they started talking about something that would trigger those emotional conversations I stopped engaging. I keep it bland and neutral, don't show any emotion, I don't tell them what is going on in my life. For instance my parents, sister and BIL all went out to dinner as a family after my grandmothers funeral, I wasn't invited. Rather than talk to them about it, I just acknowledged it myself and showed them no emotion and then created more space and protection for myself. Of course at other times I would have thought a dinner is nothing but after a family funeral it definitely felt off.

Op not many people have their family come live with them. You are not selfish. You are protecting yourself. Learn to fill your life with things you enjoy, your families opinion of you is exactly that, their opinion and they will get you to feel pressured to do things to make their life easier, otherwise it may fall on them. That's what the scapegoat is there for, for the family to have someone to blame for all the problems without taking any responsibility themselves. You can reject that role and I suggest you do.

This is well written. Scapegoating is done when a family is dysfunctional, and that means the parents are dysfunctional.

At some point in your life, if you're lucky you finally realize it's just not worth it to try to maintain a relationship with people like them. They will harm you if you don't get away from them. It's painful to realize you cannot have a healthy relationship with your family, but ultimately it's freeing.

I am the OP of this thread AND the OP of the "I wrote my mom a letter" thread. It's taken a very long time to realize why I always felt like I wasn't good enough, why I was a loser, why no one loved me. This is so hard. I really appreciate all the feedback. I feel good that I have finally found the labels and answers I have been searching for. I am also scared that I feel like I am about to climb a mountain and I don't have any tools. I get constant texts blaming me for causing issues and being the problem in my family. I don't know if I should block their numbers or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I went and read the beginning of the letter you wrote your mother. I am very sorry you went through that, and it sounds horrifying.

If I were in your shoes, I'd RUN. RUN for your life. Cut those creeps out of your life. Block them and no further communication with them. You owe them NOTHING.

Keep writing your mom letters. Don't send them to her. Burn them. Whenever you start to feel bad, write her about it. Do not send. Burn it. Write about your feelings, and then burn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I went and read the beginning of the letter you wrote your mother. I am very sorry you went through that, and it sounds horrifying.

If I were in your shoes, I'd RUN. RUN for your life. Cut those creeps out of your life. Block them and no further communication with them. You owe them NOTHING.

Keep writing your mom letters. Don't send them to her. Burn them. Whenever you start to feel bad, write her about it. Do not send. Burn it. Write about your feelings, and then burn.

OP here. I want to. When we visited 2 years ago, my father threatened to throw hot coffee on my son. My mom and brother said he obviously didn't mean it. I know I need to cut them off but I feel weakened by the years and years of feeling like I was the crazy one.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone had others join their relatives in making you a scapegoat? When my sister in law married my brother, she started agreeing with everything he said about me.

[Anonymous]

There’s a great website and forum called out of the fog. It helped me clarify things and gain tools to deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had others join their relatives in making you a scapegoat? When my sister in law married my brother, she started agreeing with everything he said about me.

Oh absolutely. No one tries to dig up new unflattering tidbits about me, and then passes them on to relatives she knows will play dirty with them, quite like my sister in law. She's just trying to let everyone know how horrible I am, in case the others who already pegged me as the scapegoat ever started to change their mind. Nice people, the whole bunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had others join their relatives in making you a scapegoat? When my sister in law married my brother, she started agreeing with everything he said about me.

Oh absolutely. No one tries to dig up new unflattering tidbits about me, and then passes them on to relatives she knows will play dirty with them, quite like my sister in law. She's just trying to let everyone know how horrible I am, in case the others who already pegged me as the scapegoat ever started to change their mind. Nice people, the whole bunch.

But WHY? The satisfaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had others join their relatives in making you a scapegoat? When my sister in law married my brother, she started agreeing with everything he said about me.

More or less. My brother can do no wrong, which has always been the case. His wife, by extension, can also do no wrong. My mom in particular is very quick to criticize me, my husband's family, and her own SIL. She has never, ever said anything about my SIL, SIL's family, or my brother even when they've made very questionable financial or parenting decisions and she'll defend all of their actions until the day she dies.

My grandmother was the same way with her own son, and I can see where my mom learned it. We have two daughters and one son, and DH and I have vowed not to repeat the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had others join their relatives in making you a scapegoat? When my sister in law married my brother, she started agreeing with everything he said about me.

Oh absolutely. No one tries to dig up new unflattering tidbits about me, and then passes them on to relatives she knows will play dirty with them, quite like my sister in law. She's just trying to let everyone know how horrible I am, in case the others who already pegged me as the scapegoat ever started to change their mind. Nice people, the whole bunch.

But WHY? The satisfaction?

Because she’s screwed up and can’t even begin to deal with her own crap and maladaptively copes but making life bad for others. There are also absolutely shallow “wins” in these sorts of family games — people are playing for money, attention, inheritance, acceptance, etc, and some people will chase after those things at someone else’s expense if that’s what they think they need to do.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone in this thread gotten acknowledgement or are their family members so far gone that it will always be this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scapegoat is the right word. When 2 people gang up on you, it's triangulating. They are trying to manipulate you.

I think triangulating is when a narcissist drags a third person into a triangle, putting you in competition for the narcissist's favor and attention. I am not sure of the third party needs to even be aware it's happening.

[Anonymous]

You need to watch this, OP.