When bitter, angry, and mean relatives are at the end of their lives

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was a complicated person. She has a warm and lovely side, that I enjoyed, and a nasty, mean, and bitter side. In the last 10 years, the nasty side has taken hold.

Grandma is at the end of her life. I guess the fairytale version of this I imagined consisted of her wanting to connect, and her kind side coming out. That’s not what’s happening.

Grandma is in hospice now. She is still mean and bitter and nasty. She has an estranged son (her choice, not his) who has been desperate to see her for years. He wants to see her before she passes, but we don’t think she will see him.

Can anyone tell me about your experience with end of life with a mean parent/grandparent?

[Anonymous]

Stayed 3000 miles away, never saw him again, didn’t go to the funeral.

I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a huge family (hundreds of first and second cousins, with multiple generations having >10 kids -- die-hard Catholics). I've dealt witht his a few times.

What worked for me was sending physical letters. Not phone calls, and not visits, because things can go off the rails so quickly. Every so often, depending on how close we were, I'd mail a letter. I'd have in my mind the gentler person I knew from before, and I'd write with that in my mind. If any nastiness came back, somehow it was easier to deal with than in person or by voice.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a huge family (hundreds of first and second cousins, with multiple generations having >10 kids -- die-hard Catholics). I've dealt witht his a few times.

What worked for me was sending physical letters. Not phone calls, and not visits, because things can go off the rails so quickly. Every so often, depending on how close we were, I'd mail a letter. I'd have in my mind the gentler person I knew from before, and I'd write with that in my mind. If any nastiness came back, somehow it was easier to deal with than in person or by voice.

Best wishes.

Did anyone ever transform in the end? Did you ever cut through the nastiness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a huge family (hundreds of first and second cousins, with multiple generations having >10 kids -- die-hard Catholics). I've dealt witht his a few times.

What worked for me was sending physical letters. Not phone calls, and not visits, because things can go off the rails so quickly. Every so often, depending on how close we were, I'd mail a letter. I'd have in my mind the gentler person I knew from before, and I'd write with that in my mind. If any nastiness came back, somehow it was easier to deal with than in person or by voice.

Best wishes.

Did anyone ever transform in the end? Did you ever cut through the nastiness?

There were some really sweet moments, like the lucidity you sometimes get, briefly, in advanced dementia. There was a lot of ranting about politics and other people that I could skip. There was no overall transformation. I did feel good about doing what I felt I could ot be present and still protect my own mental health.

[Anonymous]

No, it doesn’t change, they are comfortable in the feeling of anger and blame and won’t let go of it.

[Anonymous]

It's between them

[Anonymous]

Both my grandmothers were tough women. One more than the other. At the end, they both turned very nice. One had dementia, but she remembered my name to the end and would just joke with me about dating and ask if my BF had a single older brother for her. The other was the "mean grandma" but she cooled off considerably.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother was nice to us her grandchildren and then horribly cruel to her lifelong scapegoat and OK with her Golden Child. My mother becomes meaner by the month, but does snap to and show her nicer side now and then.

[Anonymous]

When my grandmas got older they got antidepressants and that helped tremendously. It just took the edge off them. No more whining about how much food people were eating (that we bought and served! She wanted our leftovers), no more upset at people using her air conditioning, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anger is mask for anxiety and pain. It's easier to be angry than to express fear and pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anger is mask for anxiety and pain. It's easier to be angry than to express fear and pain.

This is true and I try to keep it in mind, but it's hard when the anger is unrelenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother was a complicated person. She has a warm and lovely side, that I enjoyed, and a nasty, mean, and bitter side. In the last 10 years, the nasty side has taken hold.

Grandma is at the end of her life. I guess the fairytale version of this I imagined consisted of her wanting to connect, and her kind side coming out. That’s not what’s happening.

Grandma is in hospice now. She is still mean and bitter and nasty. She has an estranged son (her choice, not his) who has been desperate to see her for years. He wants to see her before she passes, but we don’t think she will see him.

Can anyone tell me about your experience with end of life with a mean parent/grandparent?

Grandfather was apparently a mean, nasty, racist. I’m biracial and my mom, his daughter, was estranged from him. I met him, for the first time, at my grandmother’s funeral—which was about a year before he died. I had very, very low expectations and was prepared for him to say, or do, something wild. He was not at all what I expected, and I actually found him funny.

[Anonymous]

An antidepressant or anti-anxiety med is the only thing that made a difference for us.

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason why medication is not an option?