When bitter, angry, and mean relatives are at the end of their lives

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason why medication is not an option?

She’s not interested. Even if she was, she’s on her death bed.

She would never ever consider medication or therapy.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing to be done, unfortunately. I like OPs idea of sending a letter - not to air grievances, while the person is on their deathbed, but to say what you need to say while you can. And then you just have to let go and make peace with it, which might involve exploring all the feelings about the relationship that are coming up, in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Not to be morbid, but to echo the immediate PP, sometimes (many times??) the person's death is not going to resolve the feelings. My mother, who was essentially abandoned by her father after my grandmother died when my mother was 9 (and my grandfather knocked someone up who became the evil stepmom, etc.) was in her 50s and did a lot of therapy to try to come to terms with her long-dead dad. Her therapist had her bring in a picture of my grandfather. My mom was never going to get the kind of resolution and peace she wanted from my grandfather while he was alive, but the therapy really helped her come to terms with him after he was dead. Her therapist was of the view that relationships continue even after one person dies -- not in a communicate with the dead through a seance way, but in the feelings and emotions of the person who lives on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to be morbid, but to echo the immediate PP, sometimes (many times??) the person's death is not going to resolve the feelings. My mother, who was essentially abandoned by her father after my grandmother died when my mother was 9 (and my grandfather knocked someone up who became the evil stepmom, etc.) was in her 50s and did a lot of therapy to try to come to terms with her long-dead dad. Her therapist had her bring in a picture of my grandfather. My mom was never going to get the kind of resolution and peace she wanted from my grandfather while he was alive, but the therapy really helped her come to terms with him after he was dead. Her therapist was of the view that relationships continue even after one person dies -- not in a communicate with the dead through a seance way, but in the feelings and emotions of the person who lives on.

I did want to present another side to this with a different story. My grandmothers were VERY difficult and could be quite mean and both parents got more difficult with age, one has passed. (Much different from above story-no abandonment) I did what i could with visiting. With parents, did way more because had to deal with emergencies, much worse behavior, and a lots of misery, while setting limits because I am no saint. I will say with each death I felt relief and peace. I am not supposed to say that out loud. I am the person who sobs uncontrollably at the funeral of a friend or even just someone who was kind to my family and I mourn the person and honor them. With each of these cases I had done what I could, endured a lot of heartache and so much physical pain from the emotional stress. If anything I worried something was wrong with me that I didn't deal with intense grief. I think part of that is each case was a long (think 8 years) decline, with worsening behavior, more illness and more and more issues.

[Anonymous]

My experience was absolutely wonderful.
I burst out into laughter every time I visited my mean ass Uncle Eddie.
And it would truly piss him off to see me walking in smiling and laughing at his feeble attempts to be an ornery asshole.
Absolutely loved it.
I talked about sports and politics - things that he’d get so riled up about in his younger, healthier days and used to be outspoken about.
I’d turn on the news and offer my thoughts on things and he’d damn near have a stroke straining to shout me down like in the good old days, but no.
No.
No he didn’t have the energy or the volume to silence my opinions anymore and he just had to deal with it.
Finally after like a week he snapped. Old dude got real pissed cause I was teasing him about the Eagles and damned if he didn’t say he was gonna kick my ass.
I’m like, “Dude you are laid up permanently and relying on tubes to piss and breathe. You ain’t gonna do shit.”

He just looked at me.
His angry frown slowly softened.
And then he burst out laughing himself.
Total transformation after that he was the most gracious and relaxed good guy and nothing like the ornery asshole he’d been all those years.