13 year old DD suddenly very angry

[Anonymous]

Overnight, she has gone from a nice calm girl t one who has outbursts where she’s filled with rage, slamming doors and yelling about how much she hates us.

We’ve been trying to keep our cool, take away privileges within reason, etc. Not sure what else to do. It’s sad and kind of scary.

[Anonymous]

Hormones. Ride it out. Also, check in with her to see if there could be trauma or something else going on. Best place is in the car, in the dark, while you’re driving somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the ugly side of puberty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormones. Ride it out. Also, check in with her to see if there could be trauma or something else going on. Best place is in the car, in the dark, while you’re driving somewhere.

+1

I am taking my kids for car rides every day so that they talk and it is the most effective way to be connected to them. Also, sit calmly and call them out when they are acting out. Tell them how it makes you feel.

Also, therapist.

[Anonymous]

What’s bringing on the outbursts? For example, does she want to visits a friend and you are saying no? Or, you ask her to clean her room?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Welcome to the ugly side of puberty.

+1, my DS started at 11 years old when will the hate end?

[Anonymous]

OP here. We woke her up earlier than she expected this morning. She has been sleeping A LOT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Overnight, she has gone from a nice calm girl t one who has outbursts where she’s filled with rage, slamming doors and yelling about how much she hates us.

We’ve been trying to keep our cool, take away privileges within reason, etc. Not sure what else to do. It’s sad and kind of scary.

Anger is often something that comes out when people don't feel heard or don't feel that they have any power. It's common in adolescents. I think parents tend to lag behind in seeing their children mature. So it's common for them to miss signs of maturity in adolescents, leading those kids to act out. Then the parents punish that behavior, which only deepens the problem.

Your child needs to be heard. Ask her to sit down and talk with you and your spouse, and invite her to talk about what is making her unhappy. Don't get defensive, don't argue points with her. Just listen and look for ways to empathize with what she is saying (i.e. "I can see how frustrating it is to see your friends doing things that we don't let you do"). Don't focus on punishment in this conversation, just talk it out. If she is looking for specific things (new privileges, or getting rid of rules), tell her that you hear what she is asking, but you need to think about it a bit.

Then do this again to discuss this stuff more. This time, ask her to listen to you for a bit. Talk about what she's asked for and what sounds reasonable and what doesn't work for you. Then ask her how she feels about it. Take her feelings seriously, don't dismiss them because she's 13 or because she is too young to understand certain things (she is too young to understand certain things! But that's just the reality of raising a teenager -- telling her that will just make her feel diminished and dismissed). If she is really pushing on some things you are not willing to allow, create a timeline for addressing in the future (we'll talk about that when you start high school, or whatever). Outline clear expectations for how she can demonstrate maturity and responsibility to you (including expressing her feelings, even frustration and anger, in a calm and productive way).

Then do it again.

Then do it again.

Then do it again.

Your kid will get less angry, I promise. You will all get better at communicating your needs and expressing your feelings. Just make sure you listen. Make sure you take her feelings and stated needs seriously. It might feel easy to ignore this stuff now, but she's going to be 18 *in a heartbeat*. It's going to happen so fast you'll get whiplash. You need to be laying the groundwork for having a respectful, reciprocal relationship with an adult. You need to start now. This cycle of her raging and you punishing? You don't want that with a 17 year old. You REALLY don't want it with a 20 year old. It's not tenable. You need to listen and talk, and just keep doing it.

[Anonymous]

+ 1 for the drive. Totally works (walks can work too...the trick is togetherness with no device to read, and no eye contact).

I have two DDs, my harder one is now 17 and we still drive--now either of us is the driver. We have a "loop" we go on; it's the same way every time. We've gone even between zoom classes this week. It also has become a time where she is the most receptive to what I have to say (about values, life lessons, etc--as long as I don't go on too long...just dollops)

My other one is 15 and a drive won't do it for her (and she's learning to drive, so right now it's that interim where this trick doesn't work). We take the dog out and I just let her talk. I've discovered that she really wants to "vomit" and if I actually ask about what she's saying, she accuses me of interrupting. At one point I said "you know, a conversation goes both ways and I'm just trying for understanding what you are saying" BUT I've realized that for her, in some way, she just needs a venue to vomit all this up and I just shut up and at times, I zone out and don't even listen.

The other thing I want to recommend is the book, "Yes, your teen is crazy!" which I learned about from DCUM and want to pass along. It saved me when my kid was about 13. It is also the only book of this kind that is a fun read. And it makes you feel better, and your "to do" list is shockingly easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Overnight, she has gone from a nice calm girl t one who has outbursts where she’s filled with rage, slamming doors and yelling about how much she hates us.

We’ve been trying to keep our cool, take away privileges within reason, etc. Not sure what else to do. It’s sad and kind of scary.

Anger is often something that comes out when people don't feel heard or don't feel that they have any power. It's common in adolescents. I think parents tend to lag behind in seeing their children mature. So it's common for them to miss signs of maturity in adolescents, leading those kids to act out. Then the parents punish that behavior, which only deepens the problem.

Your child needs to be heard. Ask her to sit down and talk with you and your spouse, and invite her to talk about what is making her unhappy. Don't get defensive, don't argue points with her. Just listen and look for ways to empathize with what she is saying (i.e. "I can see how frustrating it is to see your friends doing things that we don't let you do"). Don't focus on punishment in this conversation, just talk it out. If she is looking for specific things (new privileges, or getting rid of rules), tell her that you hear what she is asking, but you need to think about it a bit.

Then do this again to discuss this stuff more. This time, ask her to listen to you for a bit. Talk about what she's asked for and what sounds reasonable and what doesn't work for you. Then ask her how she feels about it. Take her feelings seriously, don't dismiss them because she's 13 or because she is too young to understand certain things (she is too young to understand certain things! But that's just the reality of raising a teenager -- telling her that will just make her feel diminished and dismissed). If she is really pushing on some things you are not willing to allow, create a timeline for addressing in the future (we'll talk about that when you start high school, or whatever). Outline clear expectations for how she can demonstrate maturity and responsibility to you (including expressing her feelings, even frustration and anger, in a calm and productive way).

Then do it again.

Then do it again.

Then do it again.

Your kid will get less angry, I promise. You will all get better at communicating your needs and expressing your feelings. Just make sure you listen. Make sure you take her feelings and stated needs seriously. It might feel easy to ignore this stuff now, but she's going to be 18 *in a heartbeat*. It's going to happen so fast you'll get whiplash. You need to be laying the groundwork for having a respectful, reciprocal relationship with an adult. You need to start now. This cycle of her raging and you punishing? You don't want that with a 17 year old. You REALLY don't want it with a 20 year old. It's not tenable. You need to listen and talk, and just keep doing it.

NP
Beautiful. Thank you for taking time and energy to organize it and put it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We woke her up earlier than she expected this morning. She has been sleeping A LOT.

Puberty. Read about it. I liked the book called Your Teen is Crazy or something like that.

[Anonymous]

I saw a joke/meme the other day along the lines of "I was angry about everything when I was 13, turns out I was right".

It's normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormones. Ride it out. Also, check in with her to see if there could be trauma or something else going on. Best place is in the car, in the dark, while you’re driving somewhere.

Also things like throwing a frisbee or ball, working on a puzzle, something where the “talk” is background to the activity.

[Anonymous]

If she is too angry to even talk, you can ask her to write it all down. Give her a journal and tell her you will never, ever read it, also.

This is a very hard time for everyone, on top of puberty. If she is sleeping a lot, that can also be depression. Take her to her doctor and ask the doctor to screen her, and you leave the room and let her talk to the doctor privately. You call the doctor ahead of time to give the doctor a heads up.

Do your best to keep her eating healthy and to get her plenty of outdoor activity.

Tell her that it is so hard to be a teen right now, and that you understand that, although you know you can't really understand what it is like to walk in her shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We woke her up earlier than she expected this morning. She has been sleeping A LOT.

Sleeping a lot and outbursts could be depression. She’s isolated from everyone, can’t have normal social interactions, and can’t start the process of separating from her parents since she’s stuck at home. Recipe for depression.