Reply to 13 year old DD suddenly very angry

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Overnight, she has gone from a nice calm girl t one who has outbursts where she’s filled with rage, slamming doors and yelling about how much she hates us.

We’ve been trying to keep our cool, take away privileges within reason, etc. Not sure what else to do. It’s sad and kind of scary. [/quote]

Anger is often something that comes out when people don't feel heard or don't feel that they have any power. It's common in adolescents. I think parents tend to lag behind in seeing their children mature. So it's common for them to miss signs of maturity in adolescents, leading those kids to act out. Then the parents punish that behavior, which only deepens the problem.

Your child needs to be heard. Ask her to sit down and talk with you and your spouse, and invite her to talk about what is making her unhappy. Don't get defensive, don't argue points with her. Just listen and look for ways to empathize with what she is saying (i.e. "I can see how frustrating it is to see your friends doing things that we don't let you do"). Don't focus on punishment in this conversation, just talk it out. If she is looking for specific things (new privileges, or getting rid of rules), tell her that you hear what she is asking, but you need to think about it a bit.

Then do this again to discuss this stuff more. This time, ask her to listen to you for a bit. Talk about what she's asked for and what sounds reasonable and what doesn't work for you. Then ask her how she feels about it. Take her feelings seriously, don't dismiss them because she's 13 or because she is too young to understand certain things (she is too young to understand certain things! But that's just the reality of raising a teenager -- telling her that will just make her feel diminished and dismissed). If she is really pushing on some things you are not willing to allow, create a timeline for addressing in the future (we'll talk about that when you start high school, or whatever). Outline clear expectations for how she can demonstrate maturity and responsibility to you (including expressing her feelings, even frustration and anger, in a calm and productive way).

Then do it again.

Your kid will get less angry, I promise. You will all get better at communicating your needs and expressing your feelings. Just make sure you listen. Make sure you take her feelings and stated needs seriously. It might feel easy to ignore this stuff now, but she's going to be 18 *in a heartbeat*. It's going to happen so fast you'll get whiplash. You need to be laying the groundwork for having a respectful, reciprocal relationship with an adult. You need to start now. This cycle of her raging and you punishing? You don't want that with a 17 year old. You REALLY don't want it with a 20 year old. It's not tenable. You need to listen and talk, and just keep doing it.[/quote]

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