Having trouble deciding whether to continue with the divorce process- could you share your story?

[Anonymous]

I would love to hear from those with young children who were separated or very seriously contemplating divorce (not just as a possibility but actively moving in that direction) and had second thoughts. Did you go through with it? Did you reconcile? And either way - do you regret your decision? Why?

[Anonymous]

I did not have second thoughts, so I am not a good example. I stayed for far too long...that is probably why I did not have second thoughts once I decided.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do that to your children. If you got this far, it is for good reason. Complete it. Move on. Don’t make your children live in dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

If you are a woman, you will likely have second thoughts many, many times before divorcing. In my experience, women divorce fifty million times in their minds before signing the document.

[Anonymous]

I thought about it, but honestly, I saw a financial advisor and that was a huge, huge reality check. We were in a bad place with two young kids but as the kids got older, things just became easier and we were able to ride it out. Little kids just put a lot of strain on a marriage. Things aren't perfect now, but I don't regret choosing to stay. I really didn't want to give up all that time with my children, and as my own parents are divorced I hold no illusions about what it's like in the long run, and didn't want to put my kids through it. Divorce with kids means you're a divorced couple forever-- you can never truly go your separate ways.

[Anonymous]

We separated, I moved out with the kids, my ex and I didn't talk except via notes passed via the kids, and after about four months I stupidly thought "This is great - we're getting along SO Much better!" because we'd manage to wave to each other or mumble "Hi" and our kids gleefully told us we hadn't yelled at each other in months.

Then we realized we were getting along because we didn't have to deal with each other all day every day. We got divorced. We each live separately happily ever after. We're good friends now. Our kids have each told us separately we're much better as friends, which alleviated the tiny bit of doubt I had about ruining their lives. When I remarried after about a year my daughter said, "OH! So THIS is what fighting is supposed to be like? You just go back and forth and then one person says "Sounds like that's really important to you, so let's do it" and then that's IT?"

[Anonymous]

Had that happen but without kids. I do believe counseling can fix a tremendous amount in a marriage assuming 1) you’d both prefer it to work and 2) you have realistic expectations about marriage and don’t think everyone else is living the dream romance

[Anonymous]

Has anything aabout what caused you to want to divorce changed?

I mean really changed?

[Anonymous]

My kids were young. My ex had major problems so I had no choice. I did everything by the book and my kids are now nearly College age. They are doing great.

I’m not a big believer in frivolous divorces when kids are involved. But it’s not good for them to see two parents who don’t like each other either.

Every case is different. I wish things had turned out differently but I can’t live with addiction and infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We separated, I moved out with the kids, my ex and I didn't talk except via notes passed via the kids, and after about four months I stupidly thought "This is great - we're getting along SO Much better!" because we'd manage to wave to each other or mumble "Hi" and our kids gleefully told us we hadn't yelled at each other in months.

Then we realized we were getting along because we didn't have to deal with each other all day every day. We got divorced. We each live separately happily ever after. We're good friends now. Our kids have each told us separately we're much better as friends, which alleviated the tiny bit of doubt I had about ruining their lives. When I remarried after about a year my daughter said, "OH! So THIS is what fighting is supposed to be like? You just go back and forth and then one person says "Sounds like that's really important to you, so let's do it" and then that's IT?"

You remarried within a year? You were already seeing him I assume...

That's a little different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We separated, I moved out with the kids, my ex and I didn't talk except via notes passed via the kids, and after about four months I stupidly thought "This is great - we're getting along SO Much better!" because we'd manage to wave to each other or mumble "Hi" and our kids gleefully told us we hadn't yelled at each other in months.

Then we realized we were getting along because we didn't have to deal with each other all day every day. We got divorced. We each live separately happily ever after. We're good friends now. Our kids have each told us separately we're much better as friends, which alleviated the tiny bit of doubt I had about ruining their lives. When I remarried after about a year my daughter said, "OH! So THIS is what fighting is supposed to be like? You just go back and forth and then one person says "Sounds like that's really important to you, so let's do it" and then that's IT?"

You remarried within a year? You were already seeing him I assume...

That's a little different.

I think she means about a year after she re-married. NOT that she re-married within a year. Way to make assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not have second thoughts, so I am not a good example. I stayed for far too long...that is probably why I did not have second thoughts once I decided.

Ha same. I now see this as a pattern in my life — I stay too long in relationships that were either always bad or soured — this includes jobs and friendships btw — but on the bright side, this has also meant for me that when I finally do leave, it is with zero second thoughts or “what if I’d tried X?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not have second thoughts, so I am not a good example. I stayed for far too long...that is probably why I did not have second thoughts once I decided.

Ha same. I now see this as a pattern in my life — I stay too long in relationships that were either always bad or soured — this includes jobs and friendships btw — but on the bright side, this has also meant for me that when I finally do leave, it is with zero second thoughts or “what if I’d tried X?”

This is my personal pattern, as well as my pattern specifically with my ex. He cheated, and I knew from the very first day that I found out that he didn't have it in his character to be able to do the things necessary to come back from it. He begged me not to end our relationship, and I said to him at the time, "Please do not ask me to do this if you can't stop and you can't be honest. Please don't waste my time like that. I don't want to be years down the road and still find out you are cheating." He begged, and he promised.

Two and a half years later, I kicked him out of the house. He couldn't stop, and he was never honest -- just trickle-truthing me the whole time.

I would have been much better of dumping him instantly as my instincts told me. But, my kids were both under 5, and I thought I owed him and them another chance.

The truth is I owed him nothing. And, I owed my kids a chance at a better, healthier life, even if it was just the three of us. It would have been far better for the three of us, if I had used my energy to create our new life, instead of wasting it by pouring it into the old one.

But, like PPs say, when I finally kicked him out, in all of the years of financial hardship and witnessing the ongoing pain he caused my kids emotionally (cuz cheaters continue to lie and put themselves first), I never had any doubts that there was anything more I could have done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a woman, you will likely have second thoughts many, many times before divorcing. In my experience, women divorce fifty million times in their minds before signing the document.

I do not think this is true. No woman I know who divorced had second thoughts, including me.

[Anonymous]

Hell, I’ve known people who remarried. There’s a lot that happens in this crazy world.