When your kids not very likable

[Anonymous]

My 3 year old is an easy and charming kid due to my clever parenting (hahahahaha hahah). My 18mo is so whiny and clingy and has been since the day he was born. I love him of course but he’s not very enjoyable to he around even to me, his mom. I’m sure I’m the mom people wonder why I’m constantly doling our snacks and carrying my kid when it’s just to try to get the g-d whining to stop.

Before you say you feel sorry for him, I make sure I give him just as much fun attention and love and treat them fairly etc. I don’t love that I get so annoyed with his whininess but can also appreciate the hilarious things about him that others probably don’t see. Any stories from toddlers like this that did or didn’t turn the corner and any tips for how to best approach raising a kid like this so that you and others can really enjoy being with them even if they stay whiny?

Please don’t flame me, it’s been a particularly frustrating few days of him making every attempted activity just a miserable slog

[Anonymous]

I think when we phrase kids as unlikeable, it can be as simple as not particularly loving the phase he is in. We all know about the terrible twos, or the crankiness of teething, or the emotional ups and downs that come from puberty and raging hormones. It's easier as a parent to handle this when you have other kids at various ages, and recognize that what we call "likeability" is really just a passing time and you grin and bear it, knowing time will help.

The other side of this is what you are talking about which is a more persistent personality. I will tell you this: my oldest sounded a lot like your 18 month old, who was such a difficult infant/toddler/preschooler that it's amazing I ever had more kids. It took YEARS to realize that the underlying issue was anxiety. Having sought effective treatment for the anxiety, I am at a completely different phase with my child now (a lovely, wonderful, caring, stable, beautifully likable teen). Anxiety can manifest itself this way in young children who don't have the verbal skills to describe their feelings. This may or may not apply to your child, but just food for thought. Sometimes the answers about temperament and personality come a bit later.

[Anonymous]

DD was like this and I’m sorry to say she did not turn the corner. She’s a brilliant kid and when her light is shining, I’m filled with so much hope. Her down days are a drain to the entire family. Good luck OP. My advice is to read up on ‘spirited children’ and seek help early on. Our school did not notice anything when I reached out and they were not helpful at all because she’s high achieving and not disruptive in class. I persisted and got help on my own. DD is in counseling now which is helping.

[Anonymous]

Give your clingy, whiny kid more attention. He needs it. There is no one level of attention kids need. If you give him the attention he needs, he'll be much easier to be around and much more likable -- and more likely to more quickly grow out of his neediness.

[Anonymous]

Teach him not to whine. And teach him to ask for wha he wants. So he can't whine "I don't have a fork." He needs to ask "Can I please have a fork?"

[Anonymous]

My nephew was like that. Smart, insanely high energy, and just oh so difficult constantly. Everything was a whining, tantruming melt down that drove everyone nuts. It was AWFUL at 18 months, and is so so so much better now that he's 5.5. As he's getting older, he's learning how to communicate his frustrations better, learning how to channel his energy better, and just generally getting more mature. My SIL put a lot of work in learning how to parent a kid like him, and trust me those techniques that you don't really need for a "normal" kid make a BIG difference for a spirited kid. We're also all anticipating an ADHD diagnosis at some point, so I agree that sometimes answers for these things can come later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD was like this and I’m sorry to say she did not turn the corner. She’s a brilliant kid and when her light is shining, I’m filled with so much hope. Her down days are a drain to the entire family. Good luck OP. My advice is to read up on ‘spirited children’ and seek help early on. Our school did not notice anything when I reached out and they were not helpful at all because she’s high achieving and not disruptive in class. I persisted and got help on my own. DD is in counseling now which is helping.

What did help look like? What type of help do you think would have been useful earlier?

[Anonymous]

My dd was such a difficult toddler! Turns out she has a lot of sensitivities and anxiety. She’s an AMAZING young teen now. Super kind and empathetic, so polite, creative, a great student (whip smart). She has trouble with anxiety, but she’s in therapy to help her navigate the world she’s so sensitive to.

I remember when she was 4 and her brother was a baby and I thought that I didn’t enjoy her as much and I felt intense feelings of guilt. I always made sure to focus on the positive aspects of her and to guide her through when things were tough. Doesn’t mean we gave in to all her needs immediately—sometimes learning to push through the difficulties is more helpful than rushing to fix them. She and I are still super close and bonded. No lack of love here. Remember that each kid is different and each of them will go through harder stages.

[Anonymous]

Are you 100% positive your older child wasn't like this, too? Sometimes I think my second child (now 15 months) is so clingy and high maintenance compared to my daughter (almost 4 now), but then I think about and I think the difference was just that I had more time and energy when my daughter was that age. And also that I've just blocked some things out of my mind.

[Anonymous]

My 5 yo was like this. Around 18 months we started him in a morning daycare program and he blossomed. So much less anxiety around other people. He's very chill now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you 100% positive your older child wasn't like this, too? Sometimes I think my second child (now 15 months) is so clingy and high maintenance compared to my daughter (almost 4 now), but then I think about and I think the difference was just that I had more time and energy when my daughter was that age. And also that I've just blocked some things out of my mind.

I've thought a lot about this and while I'm sure a little of it was that i was just able to do whatever made #1 happy, he also just found most everything delightful. When he was about the same age we went on a long weekend trip - the travel turned into a delayed disaster and while it was tiring keeping him enertained, he rolled with it with no meltdowns. At the resort we went to, he was happy for hours in the pool or sandbox or hanging our in our condo. I just attempted a 1 hour away trip with DS2 and he whined the whole car ride, whined the whole time in the pool, whined being held by the pool, whined that he couldn't throw everything no the floor, etc etc etc and there was no just finding something to happily engage him in. EVERYTHING was not what he wanted, including both being held and not being held. I so excited to get out of the house for 3 days for the first time in months and the whole thing just ended up being so miserable. He has moments of happiness but it feels like when he's unhappy there is no making him happy and its just obnoxious cry, pulling on my shirt, writhing in my arms when i do pick him up etc on endless loop

[Anonymous]

I try to see the good flip side of the annoying trait. So, imagine that your younger one will want to sit in your lap through ES, etc.

Also, 15 months is a hard age where they have wants but can’t explain them - especially boys whose language comes later. Try to do something just for him - at his stage and interests - and hang in there. I bet after his language explosion it will be better.

[Anonymous]

18 months is a tough time for kids. They want to communicate, but may not have the words. They want to get around, but their motor skills aren't there yet. And for my youngest, he had speech and physical therapy delays, which compounded the issue. Has your child been meeting his/her milestones?

Yeah, it was my least favorite "phase" with both of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the year between 1 and 2 was kind of terrible for both my kids but especially my younger DD. She was a happy baby but a constant whining, crying mess from 1-2. She was a delight from 2-3 and then of course 3 is tougher and 4 has not been a picnic so far but nothing at all like that previous year between 1 and 2. Like a PP said, there is so much they can’t do or express at that age. They are mobile but still totally helpless. I do think there is a good chance your kid will be so much different in a few months. Hang in there! It drove me crazy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD was like this and I’m sorry to say she did not turn the corner. She’s a brilliant kid and when her light is shining, I’m filled with so much hope. Her down days are a drain to the entire family. Good luck OP. My advice is to read up on ‘spirited children’ and seek help early on. Our school did not notice anything when I reached out and they were not helpful at all because she’s high achieving and not disruptive in class. I persisted and got help on my own. DD is in counseling now which is helping.

What did help look like? What type of help do you think would have been useful earlier?

How old is DD now? I have a DD like this and she’s a young adult but has been difficult and different all her life. Very brilliant, high achieving, but difficult to get along with (peers, family, employers, etc). Therapy and meds have helped some.