When your kids not very likable

[Anonymous]

He's 18 months old! I thought this was going to be about a 14 or 17 year old who didn't have any friends. For god's sake, a toddler is not likeable or unlikeable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when we phrase kids as unlikeable, it can be as simple as not particularly loving the phase he is in. We all know about the terrible twos, or the crankiness of teething, or the emotional ups and downs that come from puberty and raging hormones. It's easier as a parent to handle this when you have other kids at various ages, and recognize that what we call "likeability" is really just a passing time and you grin and bear it, knowing time will help.

The other side of this is what you are talking about which is a more persistent personality. I will tell you this: my oldest sounded a lot like your 18 month old, who was such a difficult infant/toddler/preschooler that it's amazing I ever had more kids. It took YEARS to realize that the underlying issue was anxiety. Having sought effective treatment for the anxiety, I am at a completely different phase with my child now (a lovely, wonderful, caring, stable, beautifully likable teen). Anxiety can manifest itself this way in young children who don't have the verbal skills to describe their feelings. This may or may not apply to your child, but just food for thought. Sometimes the answers about temperament and personality come a bit later.

How was your child diagnosed? What did treatment look like?

[Anonymous]

OP, my youngest was a difficult child. He was a screamer and tantrum-prone kid who sucked all my energy away from my oldest. He’s now 5 and an incredibly loving and fun kid. He’s still loud and he talks nonstop but in social situations he’s less gregarious and follows rules for the most part. He’s well liked by classmates and he’s a sensitive soul. I think not being able to constantly tell me all the things he was feeling and seeing was tough on him. I worked hard with this kid, though and had to let him tantrum instead of giving in on a lot of things. Two at the ages of yours is tough.

[Anonymous]

My middle child was an angry baby who cried and hit. She's 13 now and much better. She worked on her anger and jealousy issues using cognitive behaviorial techniques learned from Dawn Huebner's books. I suspect anxiety is the root of her issues. She's currently seeing a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people replying to the thread haven't had a kid like OPs. My first was/is like this. It was so difficult! Screamed bloody murder over nothing, super clingy and whiny. All day every day. I had to put him in a MDO at 18 months to maintain my sanity. People gaslighted me all the time saying this is just how little kids are etc.

It has gotten better over time OP, slowly. He is 4.5 now. A lot of it was anxiety, as others have shared. He's also very sensitive in general which probably feeds into it. Luckily he's outgrown a lot of it. He started playing on his own around age 3 and that has only gotten better. He now makes friends easily. He still has anxious tendencies but he can be talked down a lot easier at this age vs just screaming immediately when younger.

FWIW, my second is 1 next month and totally different. Not sensitive, not anxious, happy to entertain herself. EASY. So I really don't think you're just "not remembering correctly" or whatever. Some kids really are more difficult than others.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked with your pediatrician to rule out a physical cause? Maybe he’s in pain and doesn’t know how to express it.

I had a difficult, very cranky baby/toddler. It turned out she was having constant ear infections. There were no other symptoms - never a fever or anything. She got ear tubes and it was like having a whole new kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, your child is still very young. Have you ruled out being over tired? Sometimes younger kids have to "run harder" to keep up with older siblings.

Otherwise, I think as kids get older they figure out that other kids won't want to play with them if they act out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think when we phrase kids as unlikeable, it can be as simple as not particularly loving the phase he is in. We all know about the terrible twos, or the crankiness of teething, or the emotional ups and downs that come from puberty and raging hormones. It's easier as a parent to handle this when you have other kids at various ages, and recognize that what we call "likeability" is really just a passing time and you grin and bear it, knowing time will help.

The other side of this is what you are talking about which is a more persistent personality. I will tell you this: my oldest sounded a lot like your 18 month old, who was such a difficult infant/toddler/preschooler that it's amazing I ever had more kids. It took YEARS to realize that the underlying issue was anxiety. Having sought effective treatment for the anxiety, I am at a completely different phase with my child now (a lovely, wonderful, caring, stable, beautifully likable teen). Anxiety can manifest itself this way in young children who don't have the verbal skills to describe their feelings. This may or may not apply to your child, but just food for thought. Sometimes the answers about temperament and personality come a bit later.

How was your child diagnosed? What did treatment look like?

Tried therapy first and got the diagnosis, then added medication to the therapy after 1.5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your child is still very young. Have you ruled out being over tired? Sometimes younger kids have to "run harder" to keep up with older siblings.

Otherwise, I think as kids get older they figure out that other kids won't want to play with them if they act out.

I haven't. at his wellness visits, he's always seemed fine and in general we're avoiding the doc office right now. What did you say to get them to start looking for a general root cause? When I mentioned it when he was a little baby, the answer was just "yep some babies are fussy"

[Anonymous]

He's just a toddler OP. Give him as much attention as you can. And when it's safer to go to the doctor, maybe get a referral to a therapist who can help you deal and use some more effective methods of dealing with him. It's not good if you have already labeled him "unlikable" at such an early age.

[Anonymous]

OP, my oldest was like this and it was so draining. He was just irritable, cranky, and inpatient. I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD was like this and I’m sorry to say she did not turn the corner. She’s a brilliant kid and when her light is shining, I’m filled with so much hope. Her down days are a drain to the entire family. Good luck OP. My advice is to read up on ‘spirited children’ and seek help early on. Our school did not notice anything when I reached out and they were not helpful at all because she’s high achieving and not disruptive in class. I persisted and got help on my own. DD is in counseling now which is helping.

What did help look like? What type of help do you think would have been useful earlier?

DD is 12 yrs old. A counselor and the CBT workbook helped all of us. Meditation helps as well. We initially dismissed it as moody, dramatic and manipulative. She was in fact anxious, depressed and has some oppositional defiance issues. We were ill equipped having never experienced anything like that before. We had to learn a new language to help her process and cope. It is exhausting but getting easier. We punished when we should not have, rescued when we should not have, ignored when we should have engaged and engaged when we should have ignored.

I later discovered that many families I know had the same experience with their now grown children. It’s not that uncommon.

Highly recommend getting a CBT workbook for yourself at this point just based on your child’s age.

[Anonymous]

Ok this is a little random but I’ll share bc it seems relevant.

My goddaughter is 2. Very whiney and clingy but in good moments she does shine. Just so whiney though.

After a recent vacation with all of our kids, she was v constipated and mom took her to the doc. They did an X-ray and she had poop all the way through all of her lower and upper intestines and some of the bodily triggers for emptying ones bowels had sort of fallen short.

They have her on a program where she is pooping three times a day and she’s a new kid. Totally stopped whining and clinging and losing it on a dime.

So. YYMV.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Can you take more breaks out of the house by yourself? And is there anything you enjoy doing with your kid that you could do more of? Peek a boo, blocks, reading?

[Anonymous]

Have you started to set boundaries? Boundaries are unpleasant for you because you must enforce them, but it will make your life better down the road. No way in hell would he be allowed to continue to enjoy the pool while being whiny.

Very simple - John giving you a warning stop whining or you are going in time out. 1....2....3 ok timeout.

I still use 1 - 2 - 3 magic with my son at 10 years old. He hasn't been in timeout more than 1 since he was 2. He hates time out so the countdown gets him to comply.