Older parents getting remarried/complicated situation

[Anonymous]

My dad is in his 70s and just remarried. Part of it is financial, to do with annuity being wasted if he isn’t married when he finally retires, or something. The “wedding” was just them so we were simply told about it. I am happy for him but nervous about sharing the news with my mother, who is generally reasonable but can attach herself to outlandish ideas and be a little nuts in that way. She’s convinced this woman is a gold-digger, and although I know her perspective shouldn’t affect me, I’m the only person she has to talk about this with and so she spews all this nonsense to me, which I wear since I’m an only child. We are getting ready to go in a vacation with her and the kids, so I guess I should break the news then. I suppose I’m just looking for some encouragement/commiseration!

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to tell her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to tell her?

Ehhh, because sometimes she brings him up so it would feel like lying if I didn’t? Sometimes she asks point blank if they’re getting married? And I assume we’ll mention it to the kids, who might mention it to her. It’s not something that can exist in a vacuum. Trust me, I’d love the option to not tell. Convince me that it’s okay!

[Anonymous]

I will tell you it's ok! If she asks point blank, I'd just tell her she needs to ask your father. It's not any of her business anyway and she has no right to know, nor do you have any obligation to tell her or talk to her about it. Especially if she's then going to go on a long whine about it, ugh.

[Anonymous]

If your kids can keep their mouths shut, tell her at the end of the vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will tell you it's ok! If she asks point blank, I'd just tell her she needs to ask your father. It's not any of her business anyway and she has no right to know, nor do you have any obligation to tell her or talk to her about it. Especially if she's then going to go on a long whine about it, ugh.

She'll just make more "gold-digger" style comments. They were neighbors from the time they separated until recently, so they've been weirdly invested in each others' lives to this point. Not friends, exactly, but still next door neighbors...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kids can keep their mouths shut, tell her at the end of the vacation.

The kids don't know! I haven't told them yet, because I wanted to figure out what to do about my mother. Things you didn't think you'd have to deal with as an adult, for $500.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her before the vacation. If she starts going on about it, remind her that you are the daughter, not her best friend and the conversation makes you uncomfortable. If she continues, tell her you won’t tolerate this on vacation.

[Anonymous]

If your parents are divorced and have separate finances why does she care if he marries a gold digger?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell the kids until some time after your vacation with your mom. I agree you don't have to tell her. It really is none of her business. Maybe after you're back mention it in a text or email to avoid some drama? The only reason I would tell her is b.c. you don't want your kids to be the ones to do that and witness her reaction. I'm sorry you have to think about this OP. I've been in a similar boat.

[Anonymous]

I’m not understanding why you need to tell anyone. It’s not your news to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't tell the kids until some time after your vacation with your mom. I agree you don't have to tell her. It really is none of her business. Maybe after you're back mention it in a text or email to avoid some drama? The only reason I would tell her is b.c. you don't want your kids to be the ones to do that and witness her reaction. I'm sorry you have to think about this OP. I've been in a similar boat.

Agree with this.

It's not your mother's business what your father chooses to do with his life, or with whom. I would go on an "ignorance is bliss" vacation which allows her, you and your kids to have a good time. When you get home, tell the kids and then tell your mother.

If, and when, she starts raging about it or making other negative comments you must hold firm and make it very clear that she is entitled to her opinions but she is not entitled to share them with you (or your kids.) Cut her off. Every. Single. Time.

[Anonymous]

You have permission to tell white lies in this case. Don't tell your kids yet until after the vacation. If mom asks point blank just say you haven't talked to dad in a while and have nothing to share.

[Anonymous]

I would not do it while on vacation. Wait, until after if you must.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kids can keep their mouths shut, tell her at the end of the vacation.

This.