If your sibling ruined their marriage, how do you interact with the ex-IL?

[Anonymous]

I realize it takes 2 to be married, but in this case the sibling is an alcoholic who has relapsed numerous times over a number of years, despite a number of inpatient and outpatient rehab programs and other efforts. Spouse finally couldn’t live with it anymore (after many years and ultimatums), and announced intent to divorce. There are kids; they will have joint custody with certain protections in place around the drinking. Everyone, STBX-IL included, wants to support sibling in cleaning up their act permanently.

I’m struggling with what the relationship should/can be between sibling of alcoholic and their STBX-IL (and parent of niece/nephew). STBX-IL has been a part of the family for many years; they weren’t besties with the siblings but spent many family vacations and holidays and weddings/funerals together over the years and everyone got along well enough and considered each other family.

So. Is there a loyalty thing where family sticks with sibling and “divorces” the STBX? Is it OK/appropriate/right to reach out to STBX-IL and express support, remorse for the situation, love for the kids, something else? Is the onus on STBX to set the tone with the family?

[Anonymous]

None

[Anonymous]

You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

I disagree. You can be friendly with ex sil as her children are part of your family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to be loyal to your sibling. Their in laws are not any of your business.

I disagree. You can be friendly with ex sil as her children are part of your family

I agree. My FIL's family stayed friendly with MIL after their divorce, and it made family interactions much more pleasant all around. I'd let her set the tone of how much she wants to be in touch, and it's not OP's place to apologize for her brother. But I think it's fine to check in, say you're thinking of her, you miss her, and hope she's doing OK.

[Anonymous]

It's so tough OP. My sister is a complete narcissist. We much preferred BIL and they only time my husband and I could stand spending time with my sister was with him. She was horrible to him and the divorce is a mess. I don';t plan to have a relationship with my sister, but to avoid drama, I cannot be friends with him other than I am happy to come to events he hosts with our nieces.

[Anonymous]

I'm very friendly with my brother's ex-wife. My brother, not so much.

[Anonymous]

For the kids sake you have a relationship with both or you will never see the kids again.

[Anonymous]

My cousins do an annual guys ski trip and their ex BIL (sister's ex husband) still goes along even post divorce. They all have a blast. I have a friend who does a similar girls spa weekend with her sister and ex SIL.

If your sibling isn't bitter I don't think it is a problem.

[Anonymous]

First of all I would stay away until they are actually divorced and stop speculating on the custody terms. If they are getting divorced with kids, things are bad. It’s not some BS “oh, we’re different personalities” cop out. One or both of them is through trying to make it work, and it takes two to make it work.

Second, is let the soon to be ex in law reach out or not. At most leave the door open for the cousins and tell her anytime she’s ready. Then shut up and stay away.

[Anonymous]

my brother is an alcoholic and also is a pill popper. My SIL just left him and I could not be happier for her! This is the beginning of the rest of her life and will be great for my nephew. I talk to my SIL daily. Like 3xs a day. She is my sister as far as I'm concerned and always will be. I no longer talk to by brother. His addiction causes him to be a nasty nasty person. Now that I don't need him to see my nephew he is dead to me unless he cleans up his act.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to be best friends or even emotionally close with her, but in this situation I’d certainly continue treating her like extended family and giving her all the support and help she needs.

[Anonymous]

Look at it this way: Your sibling's kids are a part of your family.

Do what you can to maintain a relationship or at least a connection with them and remain cordial (but not overly involved) with STBX-IL.

Your STBX-IL will undoubtedly move on and have another relationship/marriage ...and your sibling may, too. That's when it will become more complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize it takes 2 to be married, but in this case the sibling is an alcoholic who has relapsed numerous times over a number of years, despite a number of inpatient and outpatient rehab programs and other efforts. Spouse finally couldn’t live with it anymore (after many years and ultimatums), and announced intent to divorce. There are kids; they will have joint custody with certain protections in place around the drinking. Everyone, STBX-IL included, wants to support sibling in cleaning up their act permanently.

I’m struggling with what the relationship should/can be between sibling of alcoholic and their STBX-IL (and parent of niece/nephew). STBX-IL has been a part of the family for many years; they weren’t besties with the siblings but spent many family vacations and holidays and weddings/funerals together over the years and everyone got along well enough and considered each other family.

So. Is there a loyalty thing where family sticks with sibling and “divorces” the STBX? Is it OK/appropriate/right to reach out to STBX-IL and express support, remorse for the situation, love for the kids, something else? Is the onus on STBX to set the tone with the family?

I'm surprised at the replies saying you dump the STBX.

I'd probably continue to treat him or her as part of the family in this situation. If sibling doesn't like it, too bad.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely aim for amicable. Show support with kind words in an email or text. There is nothing wrong or there is no betrayal in empathy and kindness. Stay out of their business but let them know you wish them the best. If you want your nieces and nephews to be part of your life, be kind to their parent. Just because the marriage ends doesn’t mean the relationship with the ex-IL ends. There will be birthdays, weddings, funerals, anniversary parties, holidays, etc... that your paths may cross. Keep it cordial.