Gifting question for parents of onlies...

[Anonymous]

This has probably been discussed before but I can't locate any threads on the topic.

What's the general wisdom on gift giving to a niece/nephew/dear friend's child who is an only child, when you have multiple children? My situation is that I have three children and multiple important people in my life who are parents of only children. These friends and family gift each of our kids generously but not extravagantly - we're talking $30-50 per gift per kid - for bdays and holidays and special events. When it comes to their child's birthday or special event, should I gift them similarly, or do a bigger gift, since they've spent 3x the amount on my family throughout the year?

If I were to triple the amount spent on my kids, I'd be doing a $150 gift for each the only children. Which I'm fine with financially, but don't know if it's awkward to give such a large gift... as a parent of an only child, would you prefer your child to receive something equal to the amount you spend total on my kids, or something equivalent to what you spent on just ONE of my kids? I am fine either way, but don't want to come off as "tit for tat" with giving an extravagant gift, or cheap, by giving a "regular" gift.

Also, everyone in my scenario is in a similar-ish financial situation... comfortable and not depending on these gifts or struggling to make the gifts happen.

I honestly would rather forego the gift giving and have suggested it, but others want to keep the tradition going.

Thanks for your feedback.

[Anonymous]

I have an only. I don’t keep score, and my child doesn’t need $150 presents! Buy a regular gift because opening presents is part of the fun at birthdays and Christmas, but don’t feel like it needs to be equal to the amount the family spent on your kid.

[Anonymous]

I have a 5 year old only. First, absolutely only the amount you spend on other kids. It would be incredibly unfair to everyone for one kid to get a $150 gift and the others get $50 gifts. It's not about fairness to the parents for spending, it's about fairness between the kids. They don't understand overall spending, they just see the difference in gifts and that looks like preferential treatment.

Second, and let me say this loudly for the people in the back, it is HARD not to spoil an only when you are comfortably middle class. Our only is the only grandchild on one side and the only grandchild of that sex on the other. This kid blinks at a toy and there is a line of well meaning grandparents and aunts and uncles lining up to buy it for them. You can't hide it when they're talking about it on a Facetime call, and it makes it really difficult to teach them not to be greedy and entitled (which is a normal development stage for all kids, not an only child exclusive) when they say "boo" and an Amazon package arrives two days later. So for me at least, my only needs LESS stuff than the other cousins because they get 99% of what they want unless I specifically jump in and say "thank you, but please don't buy that just because my kid asked for it."

[Anonymous]

We have one and my SIL and BIL have three. They are in a lower SES bracket and we do the same across the board. Each kid has a max of $50. I would love to be more generous with my nieces and nephew but that would only make SIL feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

So many annoying words in your title.

But, this situation allows you to have a range. You have freedom to select something they want. Sometimes it might be a 25 thing and b something a 80 dollar thing. Select one gift they really want and be done.

[Anonymous]

I am in your situation. I usually get my niece smaller gifts from each of my kids. That way she has a few more gifts to open, and the kids like picking them out.

[Anonymous]

Nobody is keeping score, and if they are, they're the asshole in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is keeping score, and if they are, they're the asshole in that situation.

This.

I have a good friend with twins who, when both are invited, INSISTS on giving two presents, but it's just so not necessary! One present (or card!) per family is plenty IMO. There's no tit for tat-- just as there's not for weddings-- you don't adjust the price of the gift based on the swankiness of the wedding!

[Anonymous]

I have an only and don’t track what is spent on gifts received. My son is best friends with twins and I would never want/expect them to spend double on my child because I buy two gifts for their children. I buy/spend for the child, not the family size.

[Anonymous]

I’m the mom of an only DS and I would NEVER expect a family with more kids to give more.

[Anonymous]

150K people in this country have died due to covid, and we are worried about this??????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:150K people in this country have died due to covid, and we are worried about this??????

Np: Are we only allowed to think/care/discuss COVID? Life goes on and questions/thoughts/needs arise - eating, drinking, sleeping COVID and only COVID cannot be good for one’s mental health.

[Anonymous]

I have an only. Regular gift size is good. I'm not keeping track, and my kid wouldn't understand that they got a bigger present because I spent more money on another family's kids.

[Anonymous]

To me $30-50 feels extravagant. Definitely $150 is way way over the top.

Also gifts from aunts and uncles can be nice, but definitely not expected in my family. And I don't want any of my friends feeling a need to ever buy stuff for my kid.

Giving copies of new or old favorite books, however, is generally awesome.

[Anonymous]

Please don't give my child 3x the amount of gift that his cousins get! It is not good for him.