I am tired of people making fun of the parents of only children.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of mommy wars stuff playing into this. Mothers of onlies often (not all!) WOH. Mothers of 3 or 4 often (not all!) don't. I personally know 2 women who had 3+ kids because it helped justify staying home, which was something they wanted to do regardless of how many kids they had. They don't have a lot of disposable income; I don't want to make those sacrifices. Neither of us has it better or worse, just different.

Unless they complain. People who complain about how hard it is to have more kids vs one just get a "Yes, that's why I didn't" from me.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need new friends! They sound awful. If they weren't judging people for having only children (and I mean, wtf?), they'd pick on something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never judge a single child household because there is likely a fertility problem.

I will always judge a 4+ child household because there is definitely a values and/or intelligence problem.

This post is emblematic of the bizarre hatred many citizens of dcumlandia have for families with 4+. Three is the new two, but 4+ prompts ridiculous responses. Having observed this in countless threads, the common denominator seems to be envy. Most of the criticism starts with "they have a 4th child as a status symbol." So weird, right? But every thread includes those comments which clearly are prompted by envy. Then the rock throwing begins: "they're uber religious," "too stupid for birth control," "poorly educated," etc.

DH and I have 4 kids. We aren't very religious, we both have advanced degrees and professional careers, and we most certainly did not have our 4th child as a status symbol. We know several families with 4 kids (because after all, 4 is the new 3), and they are very comparable to our family.

What jumped out at me is that this extreamly bitter poster is judging both families with one child, because of course there must be fertility problems, right? It's simply not possible that the parents chose to stop at one. AND, she is judging parents with 4 or more because clearly we have "values and intelligence problems" . I'm not even sure what that means. What I do know is that anyone who thinks like this and takes the time to type it out is clearly deeply unhappy. And that truly makes me feel a little sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of mommy wars stuff playing into this. Mothers of onlies often (not all!) WOH. Mothers of 3 or 4 often (not all!) don't. I personally know 2 women who had 3+ kids because it helped justify staying home, which was something they wanted to do regardless of how many kids they had. They don't have a lot of disposable income; I don't want to make those sacrifices. Neither of us has it better or worse, just different.

Unless they complain. People who complain about how hard it is to have more kids vs one just get a "Yes, that's why I didn't" from me.

Thank you. This is really insightful and prompting some "ahas!" for me. I both WOH and have a large family. I have indeed definitely privy to conversations where other mothers are trashing parents of only children: the parents are selfish and indulgent. I can certainly imagine a scenario in which it was a passive aggressive way to loop me into their own mommy wars.

On the topic: I rarely feel like I hear stay-at-home mothers trash WOH mothers or vice versa. I have no doubt those trashings occur, I just don't hear them because I feel like it's probably pretty clear I'm not cool with that stuff. I wonder if I am just naive and this IS that conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never ever heard anyone make fun of only child parents.

+1 nor have I......strange thread.

OP here. I have a couple friends who are vocally anti-only child. From her perspective, at least I think (I try to avoid the conversation and make it clear that it's not my interest) parents of only children are selfish, and their kids don't know how to function with other children, that the kids are bratty and parents are self-absorbed.

I do have four kids so it's possible I hear these stories and biases more than the average person because it's assumed I share them.

My perspective is that, generally, we can stereotype only kids, multiple kids, oldest kids, bi-racial kids, kids of gay parents, kids of single parents, etc. etc. - but they are just that - stereotypes. I don't really get how it's okay to be so openly-discriminatory... I get we all have our prejudices but being so openly disdainful seems ridiculous, especially given how complicated families are. And the fact that it's 2017.

You won't keep hearing these stories if you speak up and point out that this kind of judgment is not okay. You'd speak up if they were judging someone based on sexual orientation or profession or nationality, wouldn't you? Keeping quiet puts you in their club. Some of the others might appreciate you speaking up.

I would be thrilled to talk about this (speak up) - you are absolutely right. Please give me some good approaches, tactics, questions!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never judge a single child household because there is likely a fertility problem.

I will always judge a 4+ child household because there is definitely a values and/or intelligence problem.

For instance, really loving children and the love that comes with it? Or having a set of values that is the large-family type of support and warmth over the environment? Or what, you think that they don't get how to use birth control and are thus dumb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an an acquaintance make a snarky remark to me in front of about 20 people about how only kids are so spoiled, never learn to share, etc. I simply replied how I agreed and apologized that we were destined to be on that track since our 12 failed attempts over multiple years with an RE and multiple miscarriages before that had foilled our best laid plans. Shut her up but good and she left the gathering pretty soon after.

Oooohhhh, good infertility shaming! No wonder your acquaintances insult you publicly, no one cares about your reproductive system and you sound insufferable.

And you are a gigantic asshole.

Sorry, but the b!tch who made the comment about only children deserved it!


Maybe. But my friends don’t try to embarrass me in public, and I? don’t wield personal medical history as a weapon to make others feel badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an an acquaintance make a snarky remark to me in front of about 20 people about how only kids are so spoiled, never learn to share, etc. I simply replied how I agreed and apologized that we were destined to be on that track since our 12 failed attempts over multiple years with an RE and multiple miscarriages before that had foilled our best laid plans. Shut her up but good and she left the gathering pretty soon after.

Oooohhhh, good infertility shaming! No wonder your acquaintances insult you publicly, no one cares about your reproductive system and you sound insufferable.

And you are a gigantic asshole.

Maybe. But my friends don’t try to embarrass me in public, and I? don’t wield personal medical history as a weapon to make others feel badly.

Sorry, but the b!tch who made the comment about only children deserved it!

[Anonymous]

I definitely think there are personality traits that tend to develop along sibling order (or only child) lines.

The adult only children I know are not necessarily selfish, but they are much more needy and need feedback more - on social media, in person, they harbor extra sensitivity against being excluded. They like to talk about themselves a lot more. Growing up in a medium-large family, you learn to need less feedback from others, you are pretty ok with spending time alone, and exclusion happens - just because your siblings are invited places and get to do things, doesn't mean you can too. Tough cookies. That's life.

It's not always this way, but it does seem to be the case with my adult friends and acquaintances who are only kids. It does make it harder for me to relate to them.

[Anonymous]

http://www.scarymommy.com/being-an-only-child/

Being an only child is great...being only child as an adult sucks. The blog post focuses on a British study.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think there are personality traits that tend to develop along sibling order (or only child) lines.

The adult only children I know are not necessarily selfish, but they are much more needy and need feedback more - on social media, in person, they harbor extra sensitivity against being excluded. They like to talk about themselves a lot more. Growing up in a medium-large family, you learn to need less feedback from others, you are pretty ok with spending time alone, and exclusion happens - just because your siblings are invited places and get to do things, doesn't mean you can too. Tough cookies. That's life.

It's not always this way, but it does seem to be the case with my adult friends and acquaintances who are only kids. It does make it harder for me to relate to them.

Your description seems to generalize a large group of people. My experience with the only children is as different as their personality. Maybe you are seeing a reflection of yourself in them.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child of two wonderful parents who chose to only have one child. I had a wonderful childhood. Yes, there were some disadvantages (no siblings to play with), but also many advantages. Like most things in life, there are trade-offs.

As an adult I chose to have two kids. That was right for me (and DH). I think everybody has to decide for themselves what type of family is right for them.

[Anonymous]

One kid or 4 kids, we all have issues or daily struggles. Why judge? Some days my one is probably more of handful than 4 and some days it’s so easy it’s like not having kids at all.

We all do the best we can.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with 2 friends who were onlies. They had very different experiences.

One - both her parents were also onlies so they had a very small family. It was the 3 of them and a grandma - no aunts, no uncles, no cousins. her parents socialized with other adults so she was mostly just around adults all the time. her parents were also very academic and there was very little play in the house. So she grew up very alone and as a mini adult. She obviously went to school but otherwise she was just on her own at home with no one to play with. her parents were also both fairly introverted and she i quite extroverted. She hated being an only child. her key factor in finding a husband was that he had to come from a large family! Sh married a guy who was 1 of 6 and she loved having big family celebrations, and having siblings in law and all the kids playing together etc. It was very important to her that her kids have a big extended family to be a part of.

The Other - She had very outgoing parents who were friends with all kinds of families and there was a stream of kids through their house. Both her parents had siblings and she had cousins and aunts/uncles and they got together often. Her family was also best friends with another family and the two families did vacations together etc. Despite not having siblings she still had the big family experience and had other kids to play with and she didn't really mind at all having been an only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of mommy wars stuff playing into this. Mothers of onlies often (not all!) WOH. Mothers of 3 or 4 often (not all!) don't. I personally know 2 women who had 3+ kids because it helped justify staying home, which was something they wanted to do regardless of how many kids they had. They don't have a lot of disposable income; I don't want to make those sacrifices. Neither of us has it better or worse, just different.

Unless they complain. People who complain about how hard it is to have more kids vs one just get a "Yes, that's why I didn't" from me.

Wait- they told you this? They chose to have more kids against their husbands consent? And you must know them well as this info is pretty intimate- why are you attracted to such sneaky women?