I am tired of people making fun of the parents of only children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think there are personality traits that tend to develop along sibling order (or only child) lines.

The adult only children I know are not necessarily selfish, but they are much more needy and need feedback more - on social media, in person, they harbor extra sensitivity against being excluded. They like to talk about themselves a lot more. Growing up in a medium-large family, you learn to need less feedback from others, you are pretty ok with spending time alone, and exclusion happens - just because your siblings are invited places and get to do things, doesn't mean you can too. Tough cookies. That's life.

It's not always this way, but it does seem to be the case with my adult friends and acquaintances who are only kids. It does make it harder for me to relate to them.

This has been proven to be false. You also believe what month you were born dictates your personality right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of an only child. That was not our plan; we wanted two kids. But my DW had two miscarriages after DD was born. We tried to adopt after the second, but a few months into the process I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. The social worker we were working with said that it would be disqualifying.

DD is now a HS student. Socially, there are huge disadvantage to being an only child: many of the conflict resolution skills she would have developed with a sibling are undeveloped.

OP here.

I'm sorry for your losses.

We have a large family. It's right for us. That said, there are also disadvantages of being one of several children and the stereotypes, negative and positive, that exist regarding children in large families probably exist for a reason.

I'm guessing your kid probably benefited in many ways from being an only child...

PP here. There are several ways she has and will benefit....first, we have more resources. If she needs something, there is no competition. Second, she gets more attention. As in, any event will have a parent present. Usually 2. (I do not understand how parents with 4 kids manage soccer Saturdays...). Third, (maybe an extension of 1st), more financial options for college: we can pay for 1 kid to go anywhere. Two would be a problem. And finally, she will inherit more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think there are personality traits that tend to develop along sibling order (or only child) lines.

The adult only children I know are not necessarily selfish, but they are much more needy and need feedback more - on social media, in person, they harbor extra sensitivity against being excluded. They like to talk about themselves a lot more. Growing up in a medium-large family, you learn to need less feedback from others, you are pretty ok with spending time alone, and exclusion happens - just because your siblings are invited places and get to do things, doesn't mean you can too. Tough cookies. That's life.

It's not always this way, but it does seem to be the case with my adult friends and acquaintances who are only kids. It does make it harder for me to relate to them.

+1 to this. There is a good reason for the stereotypes - in the vast majority of cases, they're true. I can think of one only child I know who is socially well-adjusted and normal...she takes it as a compliment when people are surprised she's an only child, because she gets it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think there are personality traits that tend to develop along sibling order (or only child) lines.

The adult only children I know are not necessarily selfish, but they are much more needy and need feedback more - on social media, in person, they harbor extra sensitivity against being excluded. They like to talk about themselves a lot more. Growing up in a medium-large family, you learn to need less feedback from others, you are pretty ok with spending time alone, and exclusion happens - just because your siblings are invited places and get to do things, doesn't mean you can too. Tough cookies. That's life.

It's not always this way, but it does seem to be the case with my adult friends and acquaintances who are only kids. It does make it harder for me to relate to them.

+1 to this. There is a good reason for the stereotypes - in the vast majority of cases, they're true. I can think of one only child I know who is socially well-adjusted and normal...she takes it as a compliment when people are surprised she's an only child, because she gets it

Maybe you attract needy people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of an only child. That was not our plan; we wanted two kids. But my DW had two miscarriages after DD was born. We tried to adopt after the second, but a few months into the process I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. The social worker we were working with said that it would be disqualifying.

DD is now a HS student. Socially, there are huge disadvantage to being an only child: many of the conflict resolution skills she would have developed with a sibling are undeveloped.

OP here.

I'm sorry for your losses.

We have a large family. It's right for us. That said, there are also disadvantages of being one of several children and the stereotypes, negative and positive, that exist regarding children in large families probably exist for a reason.

I'm guessing your kid probably benefited in many ways from being an only child...

PP here. There are several ways she has and will benefit....first, we have more resources. If she needs something, there is no competition. Second, she gets more attention. As in, any event will have a parent present. Usually 2. (I do not understand how parents with 4 kids manage soccer Saturdays...). Third, (maybe an extension of 1st), more financial options for college: we can pay for 1 kid to go anywhere. Two would be a problem. And finally, she will inherit more money.

So, money, money, money?

You are correct that your one child will likely have more financial resources than some. But is that necessarily a good thing?

I'm one of four. My parents attended our school and sporting events for the most part. Mom was a sahm and had leadership positions at our private school. Dad coached a number of teams. Sometimes we carpooled to games with our friends. (Note to pp: *That's* how families handle busy Saturdays with conflicting events...carpool...google it.)

My parents invested in private school K-12 for the four of us, and they made it clear that they could cover in-state tuition.

I babysat starting as a young teen, had summer jobs, and worked PT during college and FT over summer. I learned how to budget and invest better than my more privileged counterparts who were handed things on a silver platter. Many of my friends from law school are still in debt. I am not. Many of my friends who were singletons or only have 1 sibling were essentially spoiled and are unequipped to cowboy up and be self-sufficient.

I have four kids. They are loved. They have everything they need. They have passports and have traveled extensively. They are not spoiled. They realize they are part of a family unit of 6, and that sometimes they need to wait. They seem to be more independent and self-sufficient than some of their counterparts. They seem to have better self-control and more empathy. They know how to pitch in and help (even without being asked). We can cover in-state tuition, and we will counsel them against student loans and debt.

When we're old and sick, they'll have their siblings and won't shoulder any burdens alone. They're being raised with the mantra: one team, one fight. And while they are being taught the value of a dollar, how to save, etc., they are also being taught that money isn't everything. They realize they are blessed and privileged despite going to public school, wearing their siblings' hand me downs, and not being shipped off to sailing camp. They aren't snobs. They are cool little people.

[Anonymous]

Everybody judges to some degree and if you're at all social and paying attention everyone will feel judged once in a while.

Parents of unless are judged as being lazy, selfish, cold, hovering.

Parents of many are judged as being greedy, addicted to babies, dumb, careless, also helicoptery.

Non-parents are judged as being sad or mean or selfish or are pitied or abnormal.

I'm sure some of these people are some of these things, but all in all we do what we can with what we have, and it doesn't matter. Having little kids means existing in a really myopic universe, and growing out of that helps alleviate all the judgement and perceived judgement by others.

I have found that as my child gets older (9 now) my perception of being judge has stopped and instead of judging others I feel ore empathy (or maybe relief, or occasional envy). Having a healthy normal life means you have stuff to do: that can happen with 1 or 2 or 4 or no kids - everyone keeps moving on to the next thing, it's just a different thing for each of us.

[Anonymous]

The point here isn't if one or the other is better . That is such a false set-up in the first place. The point is that it's really bizarre to assume that for another family you know what's best, especially when there are so many tradeoffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think there are personality traits that tend to develop along sibling order (or only child) lines.

The adult only children I know are not necessarily selfish, but they are much more needy and need feedback more - on social media, in person, they harbor extra sensitivity against being excluded. They like to talk about themselves a lot more. Growing up in a medium-large family, you learn to need less feedback from others, you are pretty ok with spending time alone, and exclusion happens - just because your siblings are invited places and get to do things, doesn't mean you can too. Tough cookies. That's life.

It's not always this way, but it does seem to be the case with my adult friends and acquaintances who are only kids. It does make it harder for me to relate to them.

+1 to this. There is a good reason for the stereotypes - in the vast majority of cases, they're true. I can think of one only child I know who is socially well-adjusted and normal...she takes it as a compliment when people are surprised she's an only child, because she gets it

Maybe you attract needy people?

Huh? I'm not talking about people I attract or dated, I'm talking about people I've come across in the world - though school, work, neighbors, the business world, through my kids...etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody judges to some degree and if you're at all social and paying attention everyone will feel judged once in a while.

Parents of unless are judged as being lazy, selfish, cold, hovering.

Parents of many are judged as being greedy, addicted to babies, dumb, careless, also helicoptery.

Non-parents are judged as being sad or mean or selfish or are pitied or abnormal.

I'm sure some of these people are some of these things, but all in all we do what we can with what we have, and it doesn't matter. Having little kids means existing in a really myopic universe, and growing out of that helps alleviate all the judgement and perceived judgement by others.

I have found that as my child gets older (9 now) my perception of being judge has stopped and instead of judging others I feel ore empathy (or maybe relief, or occasional envy). Having a healthy normal life means you have stuff to do: that can happen with 1 or 2 or 4 or no kids - everyone keeps moving on to the next thing, it's just a different thing for each of us.

One thing I disagree with: the people who are seen as helicopters are the parents of obliged, not of multiple.

I tend to largely agree with you otherwise

[Anonymous]

Hmmm the parents of only children that I know make fun of the moms with 3 or 4 kids though...so I think it goes both ways!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of mommy wars stuff playing into this. Mothers of onlies often (not all!) WOH. Mothers of 3 or 4 often (not all!) don't. I personally know 2 women who had 3+ kids because it helped justify staying home, which was something they wanted to do regardless of how many kids they had. They don't have a lot of disposable income; I don't want to make those sacrifices. Neither of us has it better or worse, just different.

Unless they complain. People who complain about how hard it is to have more kids vs one just get a "Yes, that's why I didn't" from me.

Wait- they told you this? They chose to have more kids against their husbands consent? And you must know them well as this info is pretty intimate- why are you attracted to such sneaky women?

Why on earth would you think the fathers didn't consent? I didn't suggest that.

People can have different reasons for agreeing on the same course, or the same reasons in different priority order. Lots of men like their kids. Lots of men feel it makes them look good (manly provider) to have a SAH wife and many kids. If a man said either of these were his reasons for having a large family, would you assume the mother didn't consent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of an only child. That was not our plan; we wanted two kids. But my DW had two miscarriages after DD was born. We tried to adopt after the second, but a few months into the process I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. The social worker we were working with said that it would be disqualifying.

DD is now a HS student. Socially, there are huge disadvantage to being an only child: many of the conflict resolution skills she would have developed with a sibling are undeveloped.

OP here.

I'm sorry for your losses.

We have a large family. It's right for us. That said, there are also disadvantages of being one of several children and the stereotypes, negative and positive, that exist regarding children in large families probably exist for a reason.

I'm guessing your kid probably benefited in many ways from being an only child...

PP here. There are several ways she has and will benefit....first, we have more resources. If she needs something, there is no competition. Second, she gets more attention. As in, any event will have a parent present. Usually 2. (I do not understand how parents with 4 kids manage soccer Saturdays...). Third, (maybe an extension of 1st), more financial options for college: we can pay for 1 kid to go anywhere. Two would be a problem. And finally, she will inherit more money.

So, money, money, money?

You are correct that your one child will likely have more financial resources than some. But is that necessarily a good thing?

I'm one of four. My parents attended our school and sporting events for the most part. Mom was a sahm and had leadership positions at our private school. Dad coached a number of teams. Sometimes we carpooled to games with our friends. (Note to pp: *That's* how families handle busy Saturdays with conflicting events...carpool...google it.)

My parents invested in private school K-12 for the four of us, and they made it clear that they could cover in-state tuition.

I babysat starting as a young teen, had summer jobs, and worked PT during college and FT over summer. I learned how to budget and invest better than my more privileged counterparts who were handed things on a silver platter. Many of my friends from law school are still in debt. I am not. Many of my friends who were singletons or only have 1 sibling were essentially spoiled and are unequipped to cowboy up and be self-sufficient.

I have four kids. They are loved. They have everything they need. They have passports and have traveled extensively. They are not spoiled. They realize they are part of a family unit of 6, and that sometimes they need to wait. They seem to be more independent and self-sufficient than some of their counterparts. They seem to have better self-control and more empathy. They know how to pitch in and help (even without being asked). We can cover in-state tuition, and we will counsel them against student loans and debt.

When we're old and sick, they'll have their siblings and won't shoulder any burdens alone. They're being raised with the mantra: one team, one fight. And while they are being taught the value of a dollar, how to save, etc., they are also being taught that money isn't everything. They realize they are blessed and privileged despite going to public school, wearing their siblings' hand me downs, and not being shipped off to sailing camp. They aren't snobs. They are cool little people.

As 1 of 4 myself, major +1 to this. I'd take the unshakeable deep bonds and lifelong friendship (...that's not a strong enough word) I have with my siblings over a larger inheritance ANY day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm the parents of only children that I know make fun of the moms with 3 or 4 kids though...so I think it goes both ways!

Yep, this. Insecurity abounds

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely think there are personality traits that tend to develop along sibling order (or only child) lines.

The adult only children I know are not necessarily selfish, but they are much more needy and need feedback more - on social media, in person, they harbor extra sensitivity against being excluded. They like to talk about themselves a lot more. Growing up in a medium-large family, you learn to need less feedback from others, you are pretty ok with spending time alone, and exclusion happens - just because your siblings are invited places and get to do things, doesn't mean you can too. Tough cookies. That's life.

It's not always this way, but it does seem to be the case with my adult friends and acquaintances who are only kids. It does make it harder for me to relate to them.

This has been proven to be false. You also believe what month you were born dictates your personality right?

This is interesting. The generalization I've most often heard is that only children are MORE likely to be comfortable spending time alone and want more alone time. I am an only with an only and that is certainly true with me and my only.

I think this PP's and my experiences prove a larger point that there is no hard and fast rule about how and why people behave the way they do. People are people. It's much more likely that PP's -- and my -- friend are the way they are for many other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the parent of an only child. That was not our plan; we wanted two kids. But my DW had two miscarriages after DD was born. We tried to adopt after the second, but a few months into the process I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. The social worker we were working with said that it would be disqualifying.

DD is now a HS student. Socially, there are huge disadvantage to being an only child: many of the conflict resolution skills she would have developed with a sibling are undeveloped.

OP here.

I'm sorry for your losses.

We have a large family. It's right for us. That said, there are also disadvantages of being one of several children and the stereotypes, negative and positive, that exist regarding children in large families probably exist for a reason.

I'm guessing your kid probably benefited in many ways from being an only child...

PP here. There are several ways she has and will benefit....first, we have more resources. If she needs something, there is no competition. Second, she gets more attention. As in, any event will have a parent present. Usually 2. (I do not understand how parents with 4 kids manage soccer Saturdays...). Third, (maybe an extension of 1st), more financial options for college: we can pay for 1 kid to go anywhere. Two would be a problem. And finally, she will inherit more money.

So, money, money, money?

You are correct that your one child will likely have more financial resources than some. But is that necessarily a good thing?

I'm one of four. My parents attended our school and sporting events for the most part. Mom was a sahm and had leadership positions at our private school. Dad coached a number of teams. Sometimes we carpooled to games with our friends. (Note to pp: *That's* how families handle busy Saturdays with conflicting events...carpool...google it.)

My parents invested in private school K-12 for the four of us, and they made it clear that they could cover in-state tuition.

I babysat starting as a young teen, had summer jobs, and worked PT during college and FT over summer. I learned how to budget and invest better than my more privileged counterparts who were handed things on a silver platter. Many of my friends from law school are still in debt. I am not. Many of my friends who were singletons or only have 1 sibling were essentially spoiled and are unequipped to cowboy up and be self-sufficient.

I have four kids. They are loved. They have everything they need. They have passports and have traveled extensively. They are not spoiled. They realize they are part of a family unit of 6, and that sometimes they need to wait. They seem to be more independent and self-sufficient than some of their counterparts. They seem to have better self-control and more empathy. They know how to pitch in and help (even without being asked). We can cover in-state tuition, and we will counsel them against student loans and debt.

When we're old and sick, they'll have their siblings and won't shoulder any burdens alone. They're being raised with the mantra: one team, one fight. And while they are being taught the value of a dollar, how to save, etc., they are also being taught that money isn't everything. They realize they are blessed and privileged despite going to public school, wearing their siblings' hand me downs, and not being shipped off to sailing camp. They aren't snobs. They are cool little people.

So the original PP explains that they have an only due to sad circumstances beyond their control, then lists some of the bright sides to the circumstances they find themselves in. And your response is to talk about how great your big family is? Really?