therapy or other guidance re: stopping anorexia in its tracks
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Anonymous
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Hi. I was extremely thin, but I did not have an eating disorder. I always felt like I could have one in a second if I wanted one, but I didn't want one so I made a point of eating with rules.
OP - I would defer to the experts around here, but I also want to point out that maybe, just maybe, your daughter's behavior is within the realm of normal and yours is not? My mom was always one to project her own anxieties on me, and always miss the mark by enough to make me nuts. From that perspective, I urge you to learn more about her potential eating issues, but also about your own need to control the universe. Yes, I know I'm not your mom, but something in your first post resonated. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I’m 13:51 and I’m sorry, I wrote that after just reading your first post. I hadn’t read all the follow ups. She is truly lucky to have you in her life as a source of support, and you sound like an amazing and kind stepmom. From your follow ups she clearly has an ED and is in need of treatment- it wasn’t really clear from your first post.
It’s good you did catch it early, and that you are taking it seriously. There is so much that sounded familiar from your posts, in terms of the family dynamics, and relationships. You are in a difficult position. I have partly been there,and honestly I wasn’t as emotionally mature and strong as you are to be able to handle it well. I was not related by blood but I was the one she confided the severity of her illness too, while the rest of her family seemed oddly in denial about it all. In that position I felt it was my responsibility to save her, and be vigilant for her because no one else would. Just exercise caution... make sure your DH takes on more of a supportive role, don’t let him take a backseat. Make sure she has a good individual therapist. What I mean is, don’t take on this whole entire beast by yourself. And it IS a beast. Make sure you get therapy. One drawback of the maudsley method is that it creates this dynamic, where YOU become so involved in HER eating and her well-being. And while I can see it leads to success in getting back to a healthy state, IMO it creates an unhealthy dynamic with the family that is centered so much around the illness. She wants you to be the hero and you want to be the hero for her. But just be realistic about your own limitations. You are only human. |
Anonymous
"One drawback of intensive chemotherapy is that the HOSPITAL becomes so involved in HER recover and well being. And while I can see that it leads to success in getting back to a cancer free state, IMO it creates an unhealthy dynamic with the hospital staff that is centered so much around the illness...." (See how weird that sounds??) As long as the patient is BACK TO A HEALTHY STATE you can always cut back on insisting on full nutrition. But if the patient DOESN'T RECOVER from anorexia and dies or remains in a permanently malnourished state, there is no help for them. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm sorry to dredge this thread up, but I was really hoping to have a sense of how much treatment for 2-4 months cost you and if insurance was able to cover any of it? |
Anonymous
| I would love to hear how OP's step-daughter is doing now if she sees this thread. |
Anonymous
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OP here. We've been in treatment about 6 months. We made progress in "re-feeding" her so that her weight was restored (and her period came back after stopping for 3 months), but honestly her thought processes about herself and about her relationship with food haven't changed one iota. So she "does well" only to the extent that every meal she eats is monitored closely by an adult (even school lunch). Left to her own devices for a single meal, she will skip it in its entirety.
Sadly, to me... she seems worse. Her deceptive behavior has gotten more sophisticated (swiping food off the plate and hiding in her pockets if you turn your back for a second; throwing away half of her lunch before it could be monitored by her school counselor; etc.) So... honestly, I'm feeling defeated and like we'll never get her better. Her bio mom, on the other hand, declared her "all better" 3 months into the therapy and tried to make us all quit treatment. Thank god that some other parent reported some bizarre behavior that she witnessed (kid dumping food into garbage can right before heading into the school for the day) and so mom was forced to realize that there isn't a "magic cure" for this illness and that you can't trust a 13 year old anorexic when she says she doesn't need treatment any more. 
I don't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm relieved for the advice I got here months ago to follow my gut and not wait and to get her into treatment asap. Things were way worse than even I had imagined and the only thing that brings me comfort is that at least we're facing it. And that maybe one day we'll all get to the other side of this utter hell. |
Anonymous
| Not to steal OP's thread but I am wondering if any one else has had this experience and gotten through it--I need some encouragement. DD had anorexia. She dropped 11 lbs in less than a year while growing 3 inches at 13, went from 60% BMI to under 2%. Pediatrician was great, a few session with him then a therapist and in a few months DD was passed it. But her personality is so compulsive and now at 16, DD has alcohol and drug issues. She sees a counselor for that he does not seem to make any connection to the eating disorder. She has lots of friends, seems happy but is full throttle all the time. I am so tired.... |
Anonymous
| She needs love and attention. Until then she’ll use the ED to get it |
Anonymous
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OP, your stepdaughter probably isn't weight restored yet. Just getting back the weight she lost and regaining periods might not be enough weight. And, as she is only 13 (I think) her weight should be more than it was when she started losing because she should be gaining as she grows older. For young teens, regaining weight is super challenging as you are chasing puberty.
If you haven't already, do check out the discussion threads at Around The Dinner Table: http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/?forum=136439#gsc.tab=0 In particular the discussions of establishing target weight: https://www.aroundthedinnertable.org/post/target-weight-9312250#gsc.tab=0 Some good links in the discussion. Basically it is mental state, not weight that indicates the child has gained enough weight. Your stepdaughter doesn't sound like she's there yet and may well need another 8 pounds or more. Keep refeeding until her mental state gets back to normal, and remember for each inch she grows she will need more pounds on her. I am so sorry for all your are going through. I'VE BEEN THERE! Those of us who have been through it are very sensitive when we hear what sounds like the beginnings of anorexia because we want to spare others the hell that recovery is. Truly the earlier you start the better. |
Anonymous
| OP, thank you for the update. Best of luck to all of you. We're cheering you all on. |
Anonymous
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OP how is your stepdaughter doing now?
DO you recommend your treatment center? |
Anonymous
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This is an amazingly compelling thread.
I hope OPs stepdaughter is today doing great. |
Anonymous
Yes. All good wishes to you, OP. |
Anonymous
Hoping she is doing better OP. Reading this in 2019 and feeling teary at how lucky this young woman is to have you in her life. What a tough road and maybe one you’re still facing, but in case you ever read this - I’m grateful you’re out there! |