My mom wants to wear white to my wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I've got one of those moms. Put your foot down OP, and tell her the ride is over, get off. She wears what you tell her is acceptable or she is not welcome at your wedding!. You will need to repeat that often after the marriage. You must be very firmly clear with hubby to be that you must always present a United front or she will use the divide and conquer method to control the marriage. This is where her control stops, or she isn't welcome. Get used to putting your foot down now.

Wow! I cannot imagine being told what I had to wear or else unless I was in the military or flipping burgers. Really? Who thinks this is rational, let alone acceptable behavior??

You mean if your mom was a narcissist and wanted to wear a dress to your wedding to compete with you, you'd be okay with that? What if she wore an S&M outfit? Would you not tell her what the dress code is? You clearly don't have a mom like OP, if her mom is indeed a narcissist.

Op told her mother she had to wear one specific color to the wedding. That is controlling and overbearing. Mom did not respond with competing with the bride. She said she was looking at a coral or cream dress. If she comes back with a white wedding dress, then Op should say something.

[Anonymous]

Ypu need to give her options beyond grey, silver, and beige. Those are pretty hideous on some people. Let her wear coral or whatever color she wants. As you get older, it gets hated and harder to find clothes that do not make you look ridiculous. Cut her some slack and just tell her want colors ypu freer her not to wear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ypu need to give her options beyond grey, silver, and beige. Those are pretty hideous on some people. Let her wear coral or whatever color she wants. As you get older, it gets hated and harder to find clothes that do not make you look ridiculous. Cut her some slack and just tell her want colors ypu freer her not to wear.

I look terrible in all of these colors. How bland can a wedding be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, well I definitely gave her a reaction unfortunately. I wasn't rude, but she's not calling or emailing me back.

Also, mother of the brides are supposed to complement the bride and bridesmaids, not match. It's the standard etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Wow. This brings back some memories. My BFFs soon-to-be MIL cornered me at the rehearsal dinner asking "what sort of retard" we were trying to "pawn off" on her son. (BFF has a mild muscular disability.) Then the MIL wore black to the wedding and open-toe shoes with what had to have been a two-year old pedicure. She's been a nightmare for over 30 years.

No real advice, as anything you do will likely backfire. That's how oppositional personalities go. She's looking for attention, even if it's negative. Probably the best thing to do is just ignore her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think people have the impression i'm a major bridezilla, I definitely may have given that impression. However, it's out of fear for what my Mom may do at my wedding. She's made it pretty clear so far she wants nothing to do with me on my actual wedding day. So far she has:

*Told my sister she wants to be "anonymous". Not involved in the processional or escorted down the aisle by an usher.
*Not given me any baby photos of myself and her for the slideshow.
*Refused to come to my bridal shower, engagement party, post-wedding brunch.
*Refused to come to my wedding unless I invited all of her family and extended family (of which, only 5 RSVP'd, the rest didn't even bother to say they weren't coming nor even congratulate me).
*Has only asked questions about the wedding in direct relation to herself ("Who is sitting at my table? What am I going to drink?")


She is doing this to slight me. She told my sister she's upset that my Dad is the one who gets to walk me down the aisle. She feels my Stepmom is the one who should have the role of the mother of the bride, which is BS.

[Anonymous]

Way too much drama over some bs that in the grand scheme of things IS NOT A FRIGGIN FASHION SHOW ITS A CEREMONY BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO LOVE EACH OTHER SO WHO GIVES A DAMN WHO'S WEARING WHAT OUTSIDE OF THOSE TWO PEOPLE!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is this odd trend of matchy matchy for the mother/MIL to the wedding party?? Understand not wearing white - but saying she needs to compliment the bridesmaids? color scheme? Really??? All I asked my M/MIL was that they wear something they felt wonderful in so that they would enjoy themselves. (I did have bridesmaids but gave them a color and said any dress within that range was fine w/me.) There is NO tradition of this - it is a made up fad. And yes - just let it go.

Agree. My MIL and step-mother both asked me what I wanted them to wear to my wedding--I said whatever you feel good in! MIL wore champagne, can't recall what step-mother wore. And if my mother, who was deceased, could have been there, I would not have cared if she wore the same dress as me. She would have looked silly, for sure, but it isn't like she was going to upstage the bride!

[Anonymous]

If I was the groom-to-be and my fiancee was yapping about this crap every night burning a friggin hole in my ear about how -

My mom told my sister this...
And my mom is doing this...
And my mom told so-and-so this...
And my mom is acting like this...



I swear I'd call the whole damn thing off.

[Anonymous]

OP, based on your list in your post above at 10:12 -- can you step back from what seems to be your own expectation the she should want to play the role of mother of the bride and instead try to see that it's actually positive that she is cutting herself out of that role?

You say that she insists your stepmom play mother of the bride. You seem to want your mom to embrace that job despite her horrible behavior. I hope you can let go of that expectation and be glad that rather than your having to say, "You've behaved so badly that I'm asking you not attend the shower/party/brunch" etc., she is absenting herself. Less stress for you, in the end, if she is just minimally present. It hurts for you, surely, but at least if she is not present she cannot bring her resentment of your dad, or her demands and attention-seeking, into every single aspect of the celebration.

Regarding the ceremony--don't go just by what she told your sister. Too easy for mom to deny it and throw a tantrum on the day when she discovers you have not arranged for her to be escorted like a VIP. Get it clear with your mom in advance so there is no day-of-the-wedding drama. Same goes for the wedding reception/brunch; tell her there is a very strict limit on numbers and a deadline and that if she is serious about not attending, you must take her at her word and will let the restaurant or caterer know.

If you have a close and understanding relative who knows your mom is being a serious drama queen, maybe you can enlist that person to be basically her chaperone for the day--someone who keeps an eye on her and can distract her if she's starting to do her me, me, me routine. Sad to have to think about that for your own wedding but if you want her there, you might want to consider an unofficial mom-watcher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on your list in your post above at 10:12 -- can you step back from what seems to be your own expectation the she should want to play the role of mother of the bride and instead try to see that it's actually positive that she is cutting herself out of that role?

You say that she insists your stepmom play mother of the bride. You seem to want your mom to embrace that job despite her horrible behavior. I hope you can let go of that expectation and be glad that rather than your having to say, "You've behaved so badly that I'm asking you not attend the shower/party/brunch" etc., she is absenting herself. Less stress for you, in the end, if she is just minimally present. It hurts for you, surely, but at least if she is not present she cannot bring her resentment of your dad, or her demands and attention-seeking, into every single aspect of the celebration.

Regarding the ceremony--don't go just by what she told your sister. Too easy for mom to deny it and throw a tantrum on the day when she discovers you have not arranged for her to be escorted like a VIP. Get it clear with your mom in advance so there is no day-of-the-wedding drama. Same goes for the wedding reception/brunch; tell her there is a very strict limit on numbers and a deadline and that if she is serious about not attending, you must take her at her word and will let the restaurant or caterer know.

If you have a close and understanding relative who knows your mom is being a serious drama queen, maybe you can enlist that person to be basically her chaperone for the day--someone who keeps an eye on her and can distract her if she's starting to do her me, me, me routine. Sad to have to think about that for your own wedding but if you want her there, you might want to consider an unofficial mom-watcher.

Thank you. My sister has offered to take the role of mom-watching for me. I think I just need to let it go at this point. It's 4 days to go, i'm already sick with something and I still have 2 more days left of work. I can't handle Mom stress on top of everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think people have the impression i'm a major bridezilla, I definitely may have given that impression. However, it's out of fear for what my Mom may do at my wedding. She's made it pretty clear so far she wants nothing to do with me on my actual wedding day. So far she has:

*Told my sister she wants to be "anonymous". Not involved in the processional or escorted down the aisle by an usher.
*Not given me any baby photos of myself and her for the slideshow.
*Refused to come to my bridal shower, engagement party, post-wedding brunch.
*Refused to come to my wedding unless I invited all of her family and extended family (of which, only 5 RSVP'd, the rest didn't even bother to say they weren't coming nor even congratulate me).
*Has only asked questions about the wedding in direct relation to herself ("Who is sitting at my table? What am I going to drink?")


She is doing this to slight me. She told my sister she's upset that my Dad is the one who gets to walk me down the aisle. She feels my Stepmom is the one who should have the role of the mother of the bride, which is BS.

So the real issue isn't you OP but her divorce from your Dad. No way to solve that problem. Your sister will do the MOB role things and fully participate. Just move on since your M wants to be this way and send her thank you notes for whatever gifts she gives. Treat her like any other guest-like an aunt you know. Painful but move on.