Is this really happening?

[Anonymous]

Could he be depressed? Reason I ask is that sometimes I do these things when I just don't want to deal with being grilled on something that is not a big big issue to pacify the other person and move on. Is his job high stress to the point where he doesn't want to be fighting shit at work all day and then come home and do the back and forth questioning as well (I don't know OP, but maybe your well intentioned efforts are being received as nagging) ? Maybe he's trying to just zone out?

[Anonymous]

I thought OP stated DH was lying about things just in conversation. She wasn't asking him anything he was just lying in conversation.
What would you do? Either dispute lie, or just ignore it? I don't think I could just let someone lie.then it becomes the truth.

[Anonymous]

He sounds exhausting.

You've stated very honestly that you find this behavior unattractive. Could you just say to him "Jim, I find this unattractive. Please know we have to deal with this because it is harming our relationship."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a NP here.
My husbands brother is like this, exactly. Most recently,
I once asked him what he ordered at a restaurant the night before and he said "salmon." I mentioned it to my husband later, asking what DH ordered and it came out his brother ordered a steak. (We eat anything so no vegetarian or special diet for anyone). An inconsequential, meaningless lie. It sounds ridiculous to even type out, but this is what he does. You ask him what cell service he uses, he says Verizon but you notice he has an ATT phone. No significant difference, just a group of people talking about rates. He said he picked up someone from the airport. Turns out that person took a taxi to his house. Again, no one cares, it's small talk. It's been 10 years of weird lies about, really, nothing. So I totally relate.
But what I have found from being a part of their family and seeing the dynamics over the years, is that their mother smothered and micromanaged his brother to death. My husband escaped it somehow, but their mother zoned in on his brother from an early age with nagging and hovering and really controlling stuff.
It is clear to us that his brothers lying is something he learned early on as a coping mechanism to push their mom away, get some semblance of privacy and independence, and just can't stop now, and with other people.
I picture his brother as a little boy just trying to cope with the criticism, nagging and overbearing ways of his mother, and getting some relief from saying he had an apple, when he really had a peach. It's sad .

He probably doesn't even know now that he does it, it's just ingrained in his behavior now.
I'm wondering if your husband has some sort of dynamic like that in his life?

NP here. Both my brother and I do not tell my mother when bad things happen in our lives. In the past when we told her something bad, she was constantly worry about it. If she got mad with us during that period, she would use it against us, pointing out such a bad thing happened because of our own fault. So we stopped telling her when we left the house. It is kind of sad because she really wants to be close but we dare not let her.

[Anonymous]

Anyway, I wonder if I carry this evasiveness into other part of my life. My brother seems to be straight forward unless talking to my mother. So I hope I am OK too.

[Anonymous]

It's called gas lighting. It never ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's called gas lighting. It never ends.

+10000000000000000000000000
Whatever the root cause of his behavior, he will always be right, OP will always be wrong, and OP will always be off guard and feeling off balance. She will spend her days just trying to get through a normal day, wondering how to avoid tonight's battle/lies/etc. Good luck, OP. I've been there, but thankfully wasn't married to him.

[Anonymous]

I had a husband like this. We got divorced. It has taken me a year, and i still have to work on, to trust people. I hadn't realized how i had reached a point i didn't really believe anyone around me and how it was affecting my friendships and family relationships. If i knew then what i know now i like to think i would have gotten out sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is constantly lying. I feel like I have to become a detective in order to have a conversation with him.
He drives in to work instead of taking the train, comes home at usual time so I don't realize. It's not a big deal, except that the kids needed the car, went to the station to pick it up and couldn't find it. When I asked DH, he got very defensive. But why not drop a quick text..hey I took the car in today. Its not like he doesn't text me during the day.
It varies between ludicrous, and major lies, or lies by omission. It is to the point that I am questioning myself. I don't even want to talk to him because he will definitely lie. If I call him on it, he will say "I meant to say," or "You misunderstood me." As soon as that starts I don't want to hear it. It will become an argument if I try to say, but you said this and then you said that..
He will say he doesn't buy coffee, he prepares it before he leaves the house. I respond with "Oh I thought you pick up Starbucks." He says, "Well that's when I get off the train." WTH? Why would you even say that? Don't say anything if you feel the need to lie!
Also, its not like I am nagging or badgering "where are you?" "What are you doing?"
He seems very phony and distant lately and will ask me how my day was and then ask me the same question an hour later. Our conversations are very stilted. I am having trouble even explaining it.

Bump

I too am married to a habitual liar. Am at a loss of what to do.
It’s constant. Lies about what he did or said to other people — who have already told me what was in fact said and asked wtf isbup. Lies about not blasting music after the kids went to bed when I know I heard it.
Will follow up his lies with a litany of excuses and then insults me for even caring or asking or saying I don’t like the lying.
Is he psycho?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought OP stated DH was lying about things just in conversation. She wasn't asking him anything he was just lying in conversation.
What would you do? Either dispute lie, or just ignore it? I don't think I could just let someone lie.then it becomes the truth.

What if it is these coverup lies IN FRONT of the children? What is that teaching them and how should the other spouse handle that?