Friend completely shunned me

[Anonymous]

NP here, I don't think it was a joke. Once you mentioned it's a same sex marriage, I knew, she excluded you on purpose because your views on SSM make her uncomfortable. And then your follow up post about being a conservative Christian confirmed it.

Good friends of mine excluded me from their children's christenings and related parties because they know I have strong anti-religious sentiment. They only knew this because we were very good friends, for many years. Although I believe in total freedom for each person to be as religious as they want.

I was hurt but I also understood, either they thought I wouldn't like it or they were offended by my opinion. I suspect something similar happened here OP.

Just send her a lovely card and gift and be done with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here, I don't think it was a joke. Once you mentioned it's a same sex marriage, I knew, she excluded you on purpose because your views on SSM make her uncomfortable. And then your follow up post about being a conservative Christian confirmed it.

Good friends of mine excluded me from their children's christenings and related parties because they know I have strong anti-religious sentiment. They only knew this because we were very good friends, for many years. Although I believe in total freedom for each person to be as religious as they want.

I was hurt but I also understood, either they thought I wouldn't like it or they were offended by my opinion. I suspect something similar happened here OP.

Just send her a lovely card and gift and be done with it.

So the bride revolved her entire wedding date on the fact she knew the OP couldn't come. Oh please!

[Anonymous]

I think you need realize, OP, that the universe does not revolve around you. Are you an only child by any chance?

There are 1001 reasons why she may have chosen the date. Perhaps before the Supreme Court decision they had discussed where they wanted to have a wedding or reception and this was the only date. Or this was the only date the officiant was available. Maybe the only cake shop that would make them a cake was busy other weekends and this was the weekend they could get the cake. Perhaps they had decided a budget and this was the best place that fit the budget and this was the only date. Perhaps their other choices meant some family member couldn't make it and they thought it was better to ensure all family members could make it even if some friends couldn't. Maybe you haven't offended/ticked off her, but her partner or a family member who finds your being a conservative Christian or perhaps something you've said about your religious bias to be offensive or inappropriate (it might not even be about SSM).

Even judging by your responses here in this thread, you sound like the type that has to make a big deal about everything, find offense where none was taken, and play the victim. Your joke was in poor taste and had poor timing and she said something that didn't sit well. Just be the bigger person and let it pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Email her back and say, "Wait, I was kidding - did you really?"

+1 don't try to read her mind here.

x2

Agree.

+4

The odds are pretty low anyone would choose a wedding date based on (including or excluding) one friend. There are other considerations, like venue and family member availability, that would play into the decision. Why jump to conclusions without asking? The PP's suggestion is spot on.

[Anonymous]

OP said that her friend was already married in California before Prop 8. The state supreme Court ruled in 2009 that Prop 8 did not invalidate existing marriages. Thus the bride was already legally married when the decision came down.

This adds a second reason your story is confusing or possibly untrue: you say they were marrying because of the Supreme Court decision and kept it small because they already had a wedding, which implies they were doing this as a legal formality or slightly more. But it wasn't legally necessary.

If, on the other hand, they were reaffirming their marriage because for the first time it is fully recognized as equal everywhere, then your small wedding theory makes no sense.

Also OP, if she dislikes you so much she doesn't want you there, why did she go to dinner with you?

I'm thinking troll who was hoping to spin a tale about the Mean Gays excluding the Oppressed God -fearing Lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so she has to plan her entire wedding around a day that works best for you!? You sent an immature email and you deserved the pissed if email she sent back. You weren't shunned. Perhaps her families schedule and her schedule were more important. This is not about you. Self absorbed much?

+1. Get over yourself OP.

No one deserves a pissed off email.

Op, you were entirely out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so she has to plan her entire wedding around a day that works best for you!? You sent an immature email and you deserved the pissed if email she sent back. You weren't shunned. Perhaps her families schedule and her schedule were more important. This is not about you. Self absorbed much?

+1. Get over yourself OP.

No one deserves a pissed off email.

Op, you were entirely out of line.

Ha I am the one who posted "no one deserves a pissed off email" I was referring to the email which was sent back. Anyway OP this doesn't sound like a friend at all. I say lose the lesbo and move on.

[Anonymous]

This is such insanity. And it's even more insane to me that some of you agree with OP. There is zero chance that the friend scheduled her wedding to make sure OP couldn't come. PEOPLE DO NOT DO THIS. They especially don't then invite the subject of their ire, then tell them. As another pp mentioned, there is something so wrong with op thinking that the world--another persons WEDDING--revolved around her somehow. That's borderline pathological.

The friend was being sarcastic. Lord.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is probably the type of person who turns everything into a personal offense. She has failed to even acknowledge the possibility of a misunderstanding because she is so obsessed with turning this into another personal offense. The bride was probably too tired of it to bother being polite this time.

A lot of conservative Christians are this way. I grew up surrounded by them in church -- everything is a personal attack on them. Someone doesn't celebrate Christmas? It's a personal attack! Someone is having a sex a way they don't like in the privacy of their own home? Personal attack! Someone schedules a wedding they can't attend? PERSONAL ATTACK.

Taking everything as a personal attack is hardly a behavior limited to conservative Christians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is such insanity. And it's even more insane to me that some of you agree with OP. There is zero chance that the friend scheduled her wedding to make sure OP couldn't come. PEOPLE DO NOT DO THIS. They especially don't then invite the subject of their ire, then tell them. As another pp mentioned, there is something so wrong with op thinking that the world--another persons WEDDING--revolved around her somehow. That's borderline pathological.

The friend was being sarcastic. Lord.

This. Seriously, all the friend had to do was not invite op. Who in their right mind thinks that she would jump through all of the other hoops simply to exclude her? This is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, so she has to plan her entire wedding around a day that works best for you!? You sent an immature email and you deserved the pissed if email she sent back. You weren't shunned. Perhaps her families schedule and her schedule were more important. This is not about you. Self absorbed much?

This!!!

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just change your airline ticket to fly into Miami? people change tickets all the time. You can get to Miami from anywhere...it's not as if the wedding is in Borneo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you just change your airline ticket to fly into Miami? people change tickets all the time. You can get to Miami from anywhere...it's not as if the wedding is in Borneo.

Because OP doesn't want to go and picked a fight so no one blames her absence on her.

[Anonymous]

If you were shunned she wouldn't have responded to your email at all, stop being dramatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you think that, what, six months to a year ago when she set the date and started planning this wedding, your friend anticipated you would be on a business trip over those days and would be unable to change your flight so that you flew directly to Miami rather than back to DC first, scheduled the wedding to conflict with that trip, sent you an invitation, and then when you told her you couldn't make, decided to tell you that she'd gone through all those machinations to make sure you couldn't be there, rather than just deciding not to invite you at all? Do you realize how insane that sounds? Even if she's not usually the joking type, it is far more likely that she was joking than that she actually planned her whole wedding around excluding you.

She didn't plan her wedding until the Supreme Court Decision at the end of June. A few weeks later we had dinner and I told her about my trip. A week later, the invitations came out.

I'm not saying she planned for me not to be able to come, but the date was not set six months to a year ago. And I'm willing to entertain thoughts that she was joking, but not based on the how long she's had it scheduled.

Even with all that, your theory is insane. Why would she go through the trouble of scheduling the wedding for a day you couldn't make it and then tell you that rather than just not inviting you? In what universe is that easier? The only reason for her to schedule it for a day you can't make it instead of not inviting you is because she doesn't want you to know you're not welcome, in which case she wouldn't tell you. Also, given what goes into securing a wedding location and vendors, and getting invitations printed, they probably set that date more than a week before the invitations went out.

Yes, OP seems not to realize that many other factors go into scheduling a wedding date. OP, the world does not revolve around you.