UVA professor: get married young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier about coming up on 25 years. I know several other people that also married just shortly after college and are still happily together. I don’t think it is as big a fluke everywhere.

Personally I think it is smart for women to be serious from college on about who they date. “Dating around” without the goal of finding a spouse is a risky route for those who know they want kids.

- Not religious, not MAGA, middle of the road Dem.

Well, the dating scene isn’t the same anymore in college. Especially if your daughter goes to a top 20 school.

Exactly. Finding a person interested in a long term relationship that you have compatibility with has always been a challenge, but it is harder than it has ever been. I don’t think young people are getting married later because they don’t care for marriage, it’s because it is incredibly hard to find someone.

[Anonymous]

Stay sane, stay single!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone cares about marriage and kids and that's fine, but if you know you want those things I think it's smart to start dating for marriage in college. The pool of eligible partners only gets smaller. I didn't marry my college bf but I did meet my husband shortly thereafter in grad school. Looking around at my social circle (which is mostly UMC dual-career couples, not MAGA or religious) most everyone met their eventual spouses in college, grad school, or first jobs. If you wait much longer than that, many (not all, of course) of the best catches of any gender are already off the market even if they live together for a time before marriage and/or wait to have kids.

High school relationships work out too!

My husband and I started dating when we were 15, in 10th grade. We went to college together, got engaged at 19, and married at 21. We had our first child at 22, followed by four more at 24, 26, 29, and 31. Now, our oldest is 25 and getting ready to get married.

DH and I met at 16/17 and got married 10 years later. Had kids in late 20s/early 30s. Been married almost 20 years, and we are happy. But I don’t think there is one right way to do it. My siblings got married in their mid 30s and also have happy marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but as someone who married very late in life, had my first child at age 41 (naturally) and my second adopted at age 47, I strongly advise not going that route. I am now in my sixties with a kid in high school. My youngest will graduate college when I am 70 and my husband 75. Honestly, it isn't fair to your kids to have them so old. I may never meet my grandchildren. On the positive side, we are in a very good financial position and our kids were able to attend top private schools and universities. They will inherit a good fortune when we die.

I encourage both of my kids to find their spouse early in life. Sadly, my 25 year old doesn't even have a GF right now, so it isn't looking promising!

This was sad to read. We have two close family members who had their one (and only) child when the mom was age 45 (and the dad slightly older). They will be in the same boat. That said, people age very differently and I think that having kids makes you young and more active and you will have friends a decade younger if they are parents of your kids' friends and that will keep you from presenting as a grandparent versus a parent. The money, attention, time and perspective you provide and teach to your kids are way more important and your kids will be better off for it.

[Anonymous]

Google this guy. He's a MAGA religious extremist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a crucial mistake in the very first sentence. There are no seniors at UVA. Makes me wonder what other mistakes litter this frivolous presumptuous essay.

ugh. Get over yourself. That "4th year" language is so pretentious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier about coming up on 25 years. I know several other people that also married just shortly after college and are still happily together. I don’t think it is as big a fluke everywhere.

Personally I think it is smart for women to be serious from college on about who they date. “Dating around” without the goal of finding a spouse is a risky route for those who know they want kids.

- Not religious, not MAGA, middle of the road Dem.

I agree, but I feel the same way about men. I have two sons in their early 20s and they both want to (eventually) be married and have kids. I can tell that they aren't interested in the casual "dating around" that occurs during college anymore and are much more interested in finding serious girlfriends.

The casual dating scene that all us old folks think goes on with the younger generation is mostly a mirage of social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but as someone who married very late in life, had my first child at age 41 (naturally) and my second adopted at age 47, I strongly advise not going that route. I am now in my sixties with a kid in high school. My youngest will graduate college when I am 70 and my husband 75. Honestly, it isn't fair to your kids to have them so old. I may never meet my grandchildren. On the positive side, we are in a very good financial position and our kids were able to attend top private schools and universities. They will inherit a good fortune when we die.

I encourage both of my kids to find their spouse early in life. Sadly, my 25 year old doesn't even have a GF right now, so it isn't looking promising!

This was sad to read. We have two close family members who had their one (and only) child when the mom was age 45 (and the dad slightly older). They will be in the same boat. That said, people age very differently and I think that having kids makes you young and more active and you will have friends a decade younger if they are parents of your kids' friends and that will keep you from presenting as a grandparent versus a parent. The money, attention, time and perspective you provide and teach to your kids are way more important and your kids will be better off for it.

If having kids kept you young, James van der beek would still be alive. And he was also broke.

[Anonymous]

I think the person you pick to marry (and if a woman, have children with) is far more important than what age you marry. Picking the wrong person to marry and reproduce with can have disastrous consequences.

[Anonymous]

People don't like the truth. I made sure to be married by 30 and was a few years early. 30 year anniversary this year. It gets harder for women after 30. It just does. Facts. I wasn't going to turn into a 40 year old single cat lady with no kids. And I didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married at 35, and it was perfect for us. That's the beauty of being human. We have more variety in thriving than almost any other species.

Agree. My family has examples of long term successful marriages with children where the spouses met at a varity of ages: some met in college and married shortly therafter, others met in college and married a decade later, some met in their late 20s and married in their early 30s. Some of the timing is entirely left to chance unless you want an arranged marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read the thread, but as someone who married very late in life, had my first child at age 41 (naturally) and my second adopted at age 47, I strongly advise not going that route. I am now in my sixties with a kid in high school. My youngest will graduate college when I am 70 and my husband 75. Honestly, it isn't fair to your kids to have them so old. I may never meet my grandchildren. On the positive side, we are in a very good financial position and our kids were able to attend top private schools and universities. They will inherit a good fortune when we die.

I encourage both of my kids to find their spouse early in life. Sadly, my 25 year old doesn't even have a GF right now, so it isn't looking promising!

This was sad to read. We have two close family members who had their one (and only) child when the mom was age 45 (and the dad slightly older). They will be in the same boat. That said, people age very differently and I think that having kids makes you young and more active and you will have friends a decade younger if they are parents of your kids' friends and that will keep you from presenting as a grandparent versus a parent. The money, attention, time and perspective you provide and teach to your kids are way more important and your kids will be better off for it.

PP here. I do have to say that people are always shocked to hear my age. My daughter even tells me that her friends are shocked when they hear I am 66 years old!! Most of the other parents are 10-20 years younger! To be totally frank, I don't relate at all to my daughter's friends' parents...too young and in another stage of life. We are retired and they are still working on careers and may even have young ones in elementary school. I think they feel uncomfortable around me because of my age. This wasn't the case with my older son's parents, though. Still maintain those friendships. I feel bad that I am not able to give my daughter the same sense of community that I provided to my son. Bottom line, don't wait until late 30s to get married and have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don't like the truth. I made sure to be married by 30 and was a few years early. 30 year anniversary this year. It gets harder for women after 30. It just does. Facts. I wasn't going to turn into a 40 year old single cat lady with no kids. And I didn't.

Well, for me "making sure" to be married by 30 would have meant marrying someone I would absolutley have regretted having a life with -- much happier with the man I married at 32. Also having our 30th anniversary, and we do have a cat, but also adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this might be a researched article that provided facts and figures about why it may be positive to get married and have kids young. It’s really just a right wing thought piece written by someone who also happens to be a professor.

Who gives a shit about the young woman’s Christian faith…it’s not relevant to the article and it would be more compelling if the UVA girl getting married young was a raging atheist.

I would be interested in facts-based research on the topic…do married couples get ahead faster at work? Is it better to have kids earlier when you are more junior so you can better lean in to your career by your early 30s?

There's a lot of discussion of the data showing that married young people, especially those with kids, are happier and less lonely than single young people. There's not data about career success from marrying young, but are we more concerned about "getting ahead at work" than we are about being happy?

These don't have to be mutually exclusive goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Google this guy. He's a MAGA religious extremist.

That is entirely obvious from the article and the "sources" he sites as experts on the subject.