Are you paying or contributing to your kids weddings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three kids (2 girls and a boy). We plan to gift them money they can use toward a wedding. Not sure the amount- maybe 40K each? My parents gave us a fixed amount for our wedding, and gave us the balance. That worked well, and we'll do the same.

The only tricky thing is what to do if one of the kids isn't headed to marriage. I would still like to gift them the money, but I have no idea when would be the right time. Maybe marriage or age 30? We have plenty of time, so will see as the kids get older.

In my family everyone got their checks when the first kid got engaged.

[Anonymous]

If a couple can’t afford to pay for their own wedding, they aren’t ready to get married.

Yes, that may mean downsizing the event, but maybe it will help the couple focus on tbings that are actually important.

A gift check from parents is nice, but only if it is truly a gift and not a way to weasel into planning the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gave DD 25K for her wedding a few years ago which was most of what the wedding cost. The couple spent more on some extras. 100 people. Married outside the DMV. For DS will contribute the same. The sooner he uses it the better, not increasing it for inflation. We are a Retired Fed/SAHM. Net worth a few million.

That's generous.

How do you do a catered wedding with alcohol for $25k for 100 people?

We spent just under this 25 years ago at a home wedding. If you don't pay for a venue, then you can find the best prices or even buy your own alcohol and hire servers. We went to a fun wedding about 8 years ago that was at a park and had a food truck. If you limit to beer and wine, it's not as expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If a couple can’t afford to pay for their own wedding, they aren’t ready to get married.

Yes, that may mean downsizing the event, but maybe it will help the couple focus on tbings that are actually important.

A gift check from parents is nice, but only if it is truly a gift and not a way to weasel into planning the wedding.

Except some kids would prefer to just elope, yet their parents want to be there. My aunt and uncle refused to give their son (gave their daughter 50k the year before) any money for his wedding and he eloped instead. They were devastated. Actions have consequences. A lot of parents have massive demands. You can't demand anything when it's not your own wedding.

[Anonymous]

No plans to.

Single parent $100k HHI.

[Anonymous]

Trouble is around 25-35 years ago when my Male friend group was getting married the Dad paying for the wedding was was the best investment there ever was. Even if blue collars, HS educated lived in a tiny cape and drove a pick up truck and dug ditches for a living paying for a nice wedding was his dream.

Why Girls married UP. Meaning overnight propelled the daughter up ther economic ladder. It also ment with a high income husband their daughter could be a SAHM if she chooses and see grandkids, Dad and Mom have something to be proud of.

Women with a HS degree married college educated, Women with a MBA married a lawyer, heck a women I worked with was a junior Big 4 Partner at KPMG she married a Senior Partner at PwC.

And the grandaughers did hte same. My wife is beautiful. Both her parents had an 8th grade education, lived in a 1,200 sf cape. Dad did chip in on wedding. Not a great Dad but he knew to do that. Now my wife lives on a block of 2 million dollars homes is a multimillion, has very successful children college all paid for. He moved his daughter ahead three generations of wealth in one day. His other daughter ran off and married a guy at 20 and lives in a poor area, his son got caught up with a trampy hot to trot mama lives in a shoe box. But he planned .

My wife is from a very very blue collar town, no parent went to college. Most did not even graduate HS. Of her HS friend circle of pretty girls she is actually not that well off. All her friends are very wealthy. I mean they live in mansions and have boats, vacations homes, kids went expensive colleges. But all have one thing in common they paid for nice fancy weddings if daughter found right guy. MY FIL only chipped in much on my wedding. The other two kids he thought was a waste of money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a couple can’t afford to pay for their own wedding, they aren’t ready to get married.

Yes, that may mean downsizing the event, but maybe it will help the couple focus on tbings that are actually important.

A gift check from parents is nice, but only if it is truly a gift and not a way to weasel into planning the wedding.

Except some kids would prefer to just elope, yet their parents want to be there. My aunt and uncle refused to give their son (gave their daughter 50k the year before) any money for his wedding and he eloped instead. They were devastated. Actions have consequences. A lot of parents have massive demands. You can't demand anything when it's not your own wedding.

Except some places like Long Island and New Jersey people write the check at the reception, I would give $1,000 at a fancy wedding the one where there are food trucks and tap beer I might give tops $200 bucks. So cheap weddings can cost more. The trick is not to go over the top, but not so cheap people give you $100 buck gifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gave DD 25K for her wedding a few years ago which was most of what the wedding cost. The couple spent more on some extras. 100 people. Married outside the DMV. For DS will contribute the same. The sooner he uses it the better, not increasing it for inflation. We are a Retired Fed/SAHM. Net worth a few million.

That's generous.

How do you do a catered wedding with alcohol for $25k for 100 people?

We spent just under this 25 years ago at a home wedding. If you don't pay for a venue, then you can find the best prices or even buy your own alcohol and hire servers. We went to a fun wedding about 8 years ago that was at a park and had a food truck. If you limit to beer and wine, it's not as expensive.

Just under $25k for a home wedding 25 years ago seems expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teen boys.

If they don't have a destination wedding, we will pay for a very nice honeymoon of their choosing within a generous budget.

Obviously, having 2 boys, we will have zero say in the matter since the bride usually gets what she wants in every wedding detail.

We find destination weddings to be so tacky, gauche, shallow and selfish.

Destination weddings inconvenience all of the guests in a very expensive way. Destination weddings:

- make less affluent friends and family have to either go into credit card debt to attend the wedding to support the bride and groom, or skip the wedding of a loved one because they can't afford to attend

- require guests to use all their precious vacation time on an expensive multi thousands of dollar trip that they did not pick out for themselves or choose the budget for

- forces guests to pay for your dream wedding in an underhanded tacky way

- results in poorer loved ones, friends and families feeling embarrased and unwanted if they cant afford to jaunt off to a resort in the carribean

- are a huge imposition for loved ones with children

- are soooo difficult for elderly family members like grandparents.

- the bride and groom end up with all their inlaws in tow on their honeymoon


For these reasons and more, we would be really embarrased if our kids have a destination wedding that requires such imposition on guests and loved ones, just to get your guests to pay for your wedding and so you can get fancy beach photos for social media.

If they choose poorly and end up with a bride that insists on a destination wedding, we will zip our mouths, smile politely, gush about how pretty the beach photos will be, and pay for a block of rooms for the family on our side who are able to attend, to lessen their financial burden, but we will not pay for a honeymoon.

Why do you hate "destination weddings" so much? We have one relative who lives in our area. The other 100+ would have to travel if our kids get married where they grew up. Basically, many people will have to travel no matter where our kids get married (except friends in the area we live).
So if they need to travel for 3 days, why not make it a fun destination they could turn into a nice vacation (if desired)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The couple may have 80% of the ideas and would prefer to be the only ones doing the planning, but if they aren't paying for it all, there will be some expenses the parents may not pay for.

Why? It's much better to not be controlling and simply decide how much you can afford/are willing to give for your kids wedding. They are adults. Give them $10K or $1K or whatever the amount is and let them decide how to spend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a couple can’t afford to pay for their own wedding, they aren’t ready to get married.

Yes, that may mean downsizing the event, but maybe it will help the couple focus on tbings that are actually important.

A gift check from parents is nice, but only if it is truly a gift and not a way to weasel into planning the wedding.

Except some kids would prefer to just elope, yet their parents want to be there. My aunt and uncle refused to give their son (gave their daughter 50k the year before) any money for his wedding and he eloped instead. They were devastated. Actions have consequences. A lot of parents have massive demands. You can't demand anything when it's not your own wedding.

Except some places like Long Island and New Jersey people write the check at the reception, I would give $1,000 at a fancy wedding the one where there are food trucks and tap beer I might give tops $200 bucks. So cheap weddings can cost more. The trick is not to go over the top, but not so cheap people give you $100 buck gifts.

Wow. How well do you know these people? $100 seems like a pretty good gift, depending on how close you are to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gave DD 25K for her wedding a few years ago which was most of what the wedding cost. The couple spent more on some extras. 100 people. Married outside the DMV. For DS will contribute the same. The sooner he uses it the better, not increasing it for inflation. We are a Retired Fed/SAHM. Net worth a few million.

That's generous.

How do you do a catered wedding with alcohol for $25k for 100 people?

We spent just under this 25 years ago at a home wedding. If you don't pay for a venue, then you can find the best prices or even buy your own alcohol and hire servers. We went to a fun wedding about 8 years ago that was at a park and had a food truck. If you limit to beer and wine, it's not as expensive.

Just under $25k for a home wedding 25 years ago seems expensive.

Yeah, it does. We did a church wedding with reception in the "fellowship hall" of the church. So no alcohol allowed. Had 125 guests and spent $6K total (we also had a 2nd ceremony as spouse is from a different culture), so that was included in the $6K. We were largely paying (my parents could only afford $2K). Very nice reception (no alcohol and no dj/music/dancing but excellent food from multiple caterers). So $25K seems like a lot when you don't have a venue to rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a couple can’t afford to pay for their own wedding, they aren’t ready to get married.

Yes, that may mean downsizing the event, but maybe it will help the couple focus on tbings that are actually important.

A gift check from parents is nice, but only if it is truly a gift and not a way to weasel into planning the wedding.

Except some kids would prefer to just elope, yet their parents want to be there. My aunt and uncle refused to give their son (gave their daughter 50k the year before) any money for his wedding and he eloped instead. They were devastated. Actions have consequences. A lot of parents have massive demands. You can't demand anything when it's not your own wedding.

Except some places like Long Island and New Jersey people write the check at the reception, I would give $1,000 at a fancy wedding the one where there are food trucks and tap beer I might give tops $200 bucks. So cheap weddings can cost more. The trick is not to go over the top, but not so cheap people give you $100 buck gifts.

Wow. How well do you know these people? $100 seems like a pretty good gift, depending on how close you are to them.

$100? Are you on crack? Also closeness does not matter that much. I went to an old neighbors daughters wedding of a women we have not seen in 8 years. Just me, wife and younger daughter. I gave $800 and thought cheap as nice weddings are at least $250 a person. A few weeks early went to my nephews really fancy wedding the three of us gave $1,000 and that wedding must have been $350 a person so I was actually cheap.

Even a DJ, tent, open bar, decorations, catered food in backyard is above $100 a person

I hardly call covering my plate overly generous.

Generous was in 1998 at my wedding which was $150 a person I got a few $500 to $1,000 per couple gifts. Most gave $200 a couple which was nice but not overly generous and one or two gave $75 which was FU money even in 1998.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teen boys.

If they don't have a destination wedding, we will pay for a very nice honeymoon of their choosing within a generous budget.

Obviously, having 2 boys, we will have zero say in the matter since the bride usually gets what she wants in every wedding detail.

We find destination weddings to be so tacky, gauche, shallow and selfish.

Destination weddings inconvenience all of the guests in a very expensive way. Destination weddings:

- make less affluent friends and family have to either go into credit card debt to attend the wedding to support the bride and groom, or skip the wedding of a loved one because they can't afford to attend

- require guests to use all their precious vacation time on an expensive multi thousands of dollar trip that they did not pick out for themselves or choose the budget for

- forces guests to pay for your dream wedding in an underhanded tacky way

- results in poorer loved ones, friends and families feeling embarrased and unwanted if they cant afford to jaunt off to a resort in the carribean

- are a huge imposition for loved ones with children

- are soooo difficult for elderly family members like grandparents.

- the bride and groom end up with all their inlaws in tow on their honeymoon


For these reasons and more, we would be really embarrased if our kids have a destination wedding that requires such imposition on guests and loved ones, just to get your guests to pay for your wedding and so you can get fancy beach photos for social media.

If they choose poorly and end up with a bride that insists on a destination wedding, we will zip our mouths, smile politely, gush about how pretty the beach photos will be, and pay for a block of rooms for the family on our side who are able to attend, to lessen their financial burden, but we will not pay for a honeymoon.

Why do you hate "destination weddings" so much? We have one relative who lives in our area. The other 100+ would have to travel if our kids get married where they grew up. Basically, many people will have to travel no matter where our kids get married (except friends in the area we live).
So if they need to travel for 3 days, why not make it a fun destination they could turn into a nice vacation (if desired)?

We’ve got friends hosting a week long wedding in Europe. Total cost will be $6-7K with flights and hotel for the family. No thanks, I’ve got better uses of my money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DS is currently engaged but his fiancée and her parents are making all the wedding plans and decisions. DH and I really seem to have no say in the matter. The bride’s parents are pinging us regularly asking us to write a check to cover some of the costs – they’re wanting about $100K to cover a small portion and for that, they will let us design the wedding cake and nothing more.

Why would you insist on a say in the matter? It's the couple's wedding, not yours. You already had your big day. Stop being controlling.