The Hidden Burden on Middle-Class Families in Public Schools

[Anonymous]

This is a very complicated situation and I don’t have the solution.

I get why our parent friends might have some anger/frustration about us leaving the public school system. I get it. I don’t have a problem absorbing/accepting some of that. It’s valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who bypassed public schools and felt "guilty." My personal feeling about public school--and private, for that matter--is that no school is going to give your child everything h/she needs, so be prepared to pay out of pocket for extra tutoring or enrichment. That's what I've always done. It's built into our budget. I know many other families who didn't but who spent comparable amounts on travel sports, private sport lessons, and athletic coaches.

Totally agree! I never concerned myself too much with the whole "good vs. Bad" school, private vs. public, etc. because a lot of the experience is what you as parents make of it and what you do outside of school. It’s about helping your kids stay on track, raising them to be kind humans who can talk to you about anything, know about consent, and have some common sense and decency.

As an educator, and a child of an entire family of educators, school fear mongering kills me. It’s often just code for poverty and fear of people of color. I went to high school that was 15% white and 65% under the poverty line. It was an application magnet so there was *some* filtering, but basically if you came to school regularly as a middle schooler, could write a coherent essay, and didn't totally f around you could go there. Loved it. So many successful people have come from there.

Honestly, all schools are what you make of them. An academically rigorous education can be gotten at the vast, vast majority of schools in the DC area. Some certainly have more challenging learning/social environments but -- at least in MCPS where I am -- there are so many unique and excellent programs depending on your child’s interest. Arts, IB diplomas, STEM, foreign language, hell even aviation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no one really wants your white kid at an almost all minority public school. You think you are doing us a favor by enrolling your child as if it is some altruistic sacrifice but in actuality we find you incredibly annoying and entitled. There are actually majority minority schools that are doing well. There are incredibly bright and academically advanced students at our school.

Let's be honest now. You are at our almost all FARM public school because:

a) You can't really afford private school even though your act like you can

b)Your kid is a massive behavior problem/ has intense needs (but you just think they are a "free spirit" and so original). We all know no private school will take them or they have been kicked out of one or more private schools. As a result so many of the kids at our school think white kids are odd.

c) You have this white savior complex and think you are somehow blessing us with your presence. Then you want to come and run things and show us how it is done. You demand an overabundance of time with teachers and administrators.

d) Your kid isn't that smart and can't compete with the high performing students in a super high performing school. So you think by having your kid enroll at our school they will be the top student in the grade.

This is so mean. Why do you hate white people so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is an increasing number of kids have serious special needs. That, combined with the theory that integrating special needs kids is better for all of them, creates a perfect storm where no ones needs are actually being met. My kids went to a top elementary school in a high income area and many of the kids either 1) didn't speak English as a first language well 2) were autistic (enough that they needed headphones and/or an adult assistant) 3) the kids of neurosurgeons and constitutional lawyers

Who can manage that?

It’s increasingly obvious parents are perpetrating fraud and taking unfair advantage of the system to get their kids ahead.

NPR had a piece on stats compiled by university offices of disabilities (required under the ADA). At some universities (particularly in the west), up to 25% of current students are “disabled” - usually arriving from HS with a 504 plan or IEP.

When the author adjusted out the international students (who almost never claim disability), the rate of “disabled college kids” approached 40%.

I simply do not believe 40% of our youth are genuinely disabled. I do believe there are many selfish, unethical parents out there who are willing to cheat.

[Anonymous]

It’s mind boggling to me why education in US is so subpar compared to poorer countries like India or Russia.

American teachers are as a majority very mediocre and are poorly educated themselves.

DC is a selective state public magnet school and they teach to level to get a 3 in AP classes. They had to do a special class in 9th grade on punctuation and in 10th grade on how to use the ruler and protractor. They’re teaching chemistry with open book for every quiz and test. DC barely has homework in high school because the teachers don’t want to grade it. The bar is so low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is an increasing number of kids have serious special needs. That, combined with the theory that integrating special needs kids is better for all of them, creates a perfect storm where no ones needs are actually being met. My kids went to a top elementary school in a high income area and many of the kids either 1) didn't speak English as a first language well 2) were autistic (enough that they needed headphones and/or an adult assistant) 3) the kids of neurosurgeons and constitutional lawyers

Who can manage that?

It’s increasingly obvious parents are perpetrating fraud and taking unfair advantage of the system to get their kids ahead.

NPR had a piece on stats compiled by university offices of disabilities (required under the ADA). At some universities (particularly in the west), up to 25% of current students are “disabled” - usually arriving from HS with a 504 plan or IEP.

When the author adjusted out the international students (who almost never claim disability), the rate of “disabled college kids” approached 40%.

I simply do not believe 40% of our youth are genuinely disabled. I do believe there are many selfish, unethical parents out there who are willing to cheat.

This is why I prefer a school that is stingy with accommodations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who bypassed public schools and felt "guilty." My personal feeling about public school--and private, for that matter--is that no school is going to give your child everything h/she needs, so be prepared to pay out of pocket for extra tutoring or enrichment. That's what I've always done. It's built into our budget. I know many other families who didn't but who spent comparable amounts on travel sports, private sport lessons, and athletic coaches.

Totally agree! I never concerned myself too much with the whole "good vs. Bad" school, private vs. public, etc. because a lot of the experience is what you as parents make of it and what you do outside of school. It’s about helping your kids stay on track, raising them to be kind humans who can talk to you about anything, know about consent, and have some common sense and decency.

As an educator, and a child of an entire family of educators, school fear mongering kills me. It’s often just code for poverty and fear of people of color. I went to high school that was 15% white and 65% under the poverty line. It was an application magnet so there was *some* filtering, but basically if you came to school regularly as a middle schooler, could write a coherent essay, and didn't totally f around you could go there. Loved it. So many successful people have come from there.

Honestly, all schools are what you make of them. An academically rigorous education can be gotten at the vast, vast majority of schools in the DC area. Some certainly have more challenging learning/social environments but -- at least in MCPS where I am -- there are so many unique and excellent programs depending on your child’s interest. Arts, IB diplomas, STEM, foreign language, hell even aviation.

the filter is key - it's the big difference between private and public. I suggest you work for a while in a school with no application process to see just how bad it gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s mind boggling to me why education in US is so subpar compared to poorer countries like India or Russia.

American teachers are as a majority very mediocre and are poorly educated themselves.

DC is a selective state public magnet school and they teach to level to get a 3 in AP classes. They had to do a special class in 9th grade on punctuation and in 10th grade on how to use the ruler and protractor. They’re teaching chemistry with open book for every quiz and test. DC barely has homework in high school because the teachers don’t want to grade it. The bar is so low.

You’re assuming why they don’t have homework. I’m a teacher and we don’t give homework because we aren’t allowed to. It isn’t equitable to give work for students to do at home when some students work after school or students have nobody to help with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s a liberal mindset that you have to sacrifice yourself and your children for the benefit of others. Sorry, but I “noped” out of that way of thinking years ago.

I went to public schools all my life and they were wonderful, but I had to send my kids to Catholic school to get a similar education for them.

We still pay taxes so the system gets money for schools we don’t use. That’s enough sacrifice from me.

Is it a liberal mindset though? Wouldn't a true liberal want mixed-income schools (as opposed to very wealthy/very poor schools), more resources for everyone, and the like? I consider myself somewhat progressive and the segregated schools in our district don't align with my values.

I was referring to the notion that parents have an obligation to send their kids to public schools, regardless of the current state of those schools, and should feel shame if they don’t.

I don’t believe anyone other than a very very small group of true believers actually thinks that let alone actually makes decisions based on it. I happen to believe public is better for my particular kid but that’s not because my “values” demand it. I do get annoyed when parents peel off for charters and privates but not so much due to values but because it seemed like they were just chasing the latest trend, especially with charters.

I agree with you that most people don't have that mindset. It certainly isn't a mainstream liberal value.

+1. Clearly, the poster who claimed this is a "liberal" mindset is in the cult where liberal is a dirty word. Just another example of the right-wing culture war rhetoric. It's exhausting. They have been brainwashed to believe that if you label something liberal, then it's automatically far out and bad. I am a *gasp* so called liberal and I don't have that mindset at all - neither do any of my liberal friends. My kids attend private school for all the same reasons the PP's do, and no, I don't feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re assuming why they don’t have homework. I’m a teacher and we don’t give homework because we aren’t allowed to. It isn’t equitable to give work for students to do at home when some students work after school or students have nobody to help with it.

There is an important confusion above. It is inequitable to _grade_ homework for the reason above.

However, assigning homework and correcting _increases_ fairness by enabling a diligent LI / FARMS student to learn more effectively.

Students from well off families do not NEED homework as much as LI students -- because the well off kids will get reinforcement at home, from a tutor, or from a commercial supplementing center.

Homework that is assigned, corrected, and returned, but does NOT form a significant part of the grade, is important because it helps the diligent LI / FARMS student make up for their income / parental time gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know anyone who bypassed public schools and felt "guilty." My personal feeling about public school--and private, for that matter--is that no school is going to give your child everything h/she needs, so be prepared to pay out of pocket for extra tutoring or enrichment. That's what I've always done. It's built into our budget. I know many other families who didn't but who spent comparable amounts on travel sports, private sport lessons, and athletic coaches.

Totally agree! I never concerned myself too much with the whole "good vs. Bad" school, private vs. public, etc. because a lot of the experience is what you as parents make of it and what you do outside of school. It’s about helping your kids stay on track, raising them to be kind humans who can talk to you about anything, know about consent, and have some common sense and decency.

As an educator, and a child of an entire family of educators, school fear mongering kills me. It’s often just code for poverty and fear of people of color. I went to high school that was 15% white and 65% under the poverty line. It was an application magnet so there was *some* filtering, but basically if you came to school regularly as a middle schooler, could write a coherent essay, and didn't totally f around you could go there. Loved it. So many successful people have come from there.

Honestly, all schools are what you make of them. An academically rigorous education can be gotten at the vast, vast majority of schools in the DC area. Some certainly have more challenging learning/social environments but -- at least in MCPS where I am -- there are so many unique and excellent programs depending on your child’s interest. Arts, IB diplomas, STEM, foreign language, hell even aviation.

the filter is key - it's the big difference between private and public. I suggest you work for a while in a school with no application process to see just how bad it gets.

+1. It’s clear that PP is unfamiliar with high schools where an entire 9th grade class is reading at a second grade or lower level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, no one really wants your white kid at an almost all minority public school. You think you are doing us a favor by enrolling your child as if it is some altruistic sacrifice but in actuality we find you incredibly annoying and entitled. There are actually majority minority schools that are doing well. There are incredibly bright and academically advanced students at our school.

Let's be honest now. You are at our almost all FARM public school because:

a) You can't really afford private school even though your act like you can

b)Your kid is a massive behavior problem/ has intense needs (but you just think they are a "free spirit" and so original). We all know no private school will take them or they have been kicked out of one or more private schools. As a result so many of the kids at our school think white kids are odd.

c) You have this white savior complex and think you are somehow blessing us with your presence. Then you want to come and run things and show us how it is done. You demand an overabundance of time with teachers and administrators.

d) Your kid isn't that smart and can't compete with the high performing students in a super high performing school. So you think by having your kid enroll at our school they will be the top student in the grade.

This is so mean. Why do you hate white people so much?

No hate. PP is stating reality. I’ve seen this myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is an increasing number of kids have serious special needs. That, combined with the theory that integrating special needs kids is better for all of them, creates a perfect storm where no ones needs are actually being met. My kids went to a top elementary school in a high income area and many of the kids either 1) didn't speak English as a first language well 2) were autistic (enough that they needed headphones and/or an adult assistant) 3) the kids of neurosurgeons and constitutional lawyers

Who can manage that?

It’s increasingly obvious parents are perpetrating fraud and taking unfair advantage of the system to get their kids ahead.

NPR had a piece on stats compiled by university offices of disabilities (required under the ADA). At some universities (particularly in the west), up to 25% of current students are “disabled” - usually arriving from HS with a 504 plan or IEP.

When the author adjusted out the international students (who almost never claim disability), the rate of “disabled college kids” approached 40%.

I simply do not believe 40% of our youth are genuinely disabled. I do believe there are many selfish, unethical parents out there who are willing to cheat.

You may not believe it, but it’s true. In fact, 40% is too low. Nearly every student today has ADHD, and has at least one parent with ADHD as well. Once you start asking around, you’ll see this for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't it better for the public school if they get your money but don't need to provide you any services than if you enroll your kids there and they take time and resources away from more needy kids? From my perspective the best way to support public is to give them money by paying taxes and then save their resources by enrolling your kids elsewhere.

No, a plurality of school funding comes from state/federal level, not the local district. So the school is still losing out on resources it could otherwise be getting by you not sending your kids.

?? I also pay state and federal taxes, so they get that money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s something I’ve noticed more clearly as my kids get older — especially in progressive or urban public school spaces — and I wonder if others feel it too.

There’s this quiet but powerful expectation that middle- and upper-middle-class families (especially with “easy” kids) have a social obligation to stay in the public system. That we should “share space” with higher-needs peers — not just in theory, but in the actual experience of the classroom: absorbing disruptions, lowered expectations, limited differentiation, and the constant shifting of instructional time toward emotional or behavioral management.

The message isn’t always explicit, but it’s there: If you leave, you’re abandoning equity. If you stay, your child’s stability is the price you pay.

Meanwhile, families who are truly wealthy — who can afford $45K+/year private schools without blinking — face no such guilt. They opt out completely, and no one expects them to justify it. But the “responsibility” of sticking it out seems to land squarely on the shoulders of those who are just well off enough to have options, but not wealthy enough to float above the system entirely.

Of course high-needs students deserve support. But what often gets lost is that your average, well-behaved, academically prepared child also deserves to learn in peace, at a steady pace, with teachers who are able to teach — not just manage. And when that kind of classroom becomes rare, families like mine are left with a false choice: stay and sacrifice growth, or leave and be labeled selfish.

At some point, I stopped feeling guilty for choosing clarity, structure, and consistency — even if that means looking outside the traditional public system.

Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s