How to respond (if at all) to bf's high conflict baby mama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be happy if my child were spending so much time with you and I hadn’t met you. Don’t know what to tell you.

+1. Why can’t you be the bigger person and say hello? Tell her she has a wonderful daughter, etc. She may be insecure that you are trying to take her place and meeting you may reassure her that is not the case (assuming it isn’t).

[Anonymous]

I hope this helps the baby daddy realize you’re really immature.

[Anonymous]

The real tragedy is the child with three grown-ups yet no adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real tragedy is the child with three grown-ups yet no adults.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your mom teach you basic manners? Get out of her car, shake her hand politely and say good morning. She is this child's mom! You're making this child's life more difficult for no reason.

+1. Also, write a thank you note to the Mom for the Xmas gift. It's not your place to judge a gift that is given to you and assume mal-intent.

And, please, stop calling her "baby mama" - it's derogatory and you know it. You can call her the "birth mother" or "Larla's mom" or "my boyfriend's former girlfriend/partner" if they had more than a one night stand.

As a mom, I'd be mortified that you were treating another person with disrespect and engaging in (what you think is) tit for tat.

You don't have to like her or interact much, but everyone deserves the basic dignity of "nice to meet you".

[Anonymous]

Are the people responding that "baby mama" and "baby daddy" is derogatory very old or something? It's not, it's just slang, and it's super common to use because we don't really have a formal word for it. No one wants to type "my boyfriend's child's mother" a million times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe this lady anything. If you don't want to meet her you don't have to if the court doesn't say so. It's not like she's going to be able to know if you're a safe person to be around her daughter based on a 5 minute meet and greet so that's not what it's actually about. She just wants to maintain as much control as she can. The dad is just as much a parent as she is and assessed you to be fit, and that would be good enough for any judge if you were wondering.

That said, you might think about extending some kind of goodwill so the narrative can't be spun that you're not being cooperative. You can have firm boundaries but also do some of the inconsequential things that she wants with a smile (like saying hi at pickup). Don't be stubborn for the principle of the thing. You're not losing any self-respect by doing that.

That's not so much a narrative, as exactly what OP is describing about her own behavior. Refusing to open and read text messages, refusing to say hello at drop off - OP is not being cooperative at all. That's not a narrative, it's reality and very childish.

Why should she open the messages? It's extremely inappropriate for the ex to message her ex's new girlfriend at all, much less multiple times and try to manipulate her and drag her into the coparenting conflict which is between the boyfriend and the ex. If the ex didn't trust the guy's judgment about who would be around her daughter she shouldn't have had a kid with him to begin with and it sounds like they weren't married either. This lady made bad decision after bad decision and lost control over her child's life as a result. She can be upset about it but it's not OP's problem.

From what OP said she's just living her life and being neither cooperative or uncooperative. She does not need to be and SHOULD NOT BE involved in the squabble between mom and dad over who dad is allowing around the kid. Any judge would laugh in the ex's face if she tried to complain that OP doesn't want to meet her and would absolutely not like that the ex was harassing her about coparenting issues on facebook. Have any of you actually been in family court?

It's utterly ridiculous how ex wives feel entitled to control their ex's parenting, relationships, and new girlfriends after divorce/separation. You can't. Very few judges would entertain including some kind of "morality" clause that forbids overnight guests or cohabitation, or demands that new partners must be introduced in a parenting order, and it's largely unenforceable anyway.

The only thing here that the ex might be able to go after is the right of first refusal to prevent OP from picking her daughter up from school and babysitting. But if that hasn't been informally established up to this point, and she's been okay with any other of his relatives (grandma, etc) or other people babysitting since the separation, it will look extremely petty that she's fussing about it only with the new girlfriend's arrival on the scene. She won't have ground to stand on and a judge will probably maintain the status quo without the right of first refusal.

Don't have a kid with someone who you wouldn't trust completely to be on the same page as you parenting if you were suddenly out of the picture some or all of the time for whatever reason. And if you don't trust them, don't get divorced.

[Anonymous]

+1 to all that ^

I imagine many of the ppl ripping the OP to shreds are divorced moms with primary or sole custody, or married moms who don’t have to coparent? Or maybe just all reasonable people who don’t get what it’s like to have a high conflict person in your life and how if you give an inch they will take a mile. Even if you’re a sane and pleasant ex-wife, not all of them are!!!

No one seems to understand the reality that this poster owes the child’s mom nothing at all. Not her compassion and not her time. Except maybe a thank you note for the present. It would be kind and generous for her to meet bio mom and put her at ease but she doesn’t have to, and (based on poster’s account) the bio mom has shown herself to be manipulative, has trouble controlling her actions when she’s upset, and is hostile. If that’s true it’s understandable that people want to keep their distance. It’s hard to put boundaries up after the fact, so it’s better for the OP and boyfriend to be overzealous at first and soften them later if they want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't your mom teach you basic manners? Get out of her car, shake her hand politely and say good morning. She is this child's mom! You're making this child's life more difficult for no reason.

+1. Also, write a thank you note to the Mom for the Xmas gift. It's not your place to judge a gift that is given to you and assume mal-intent.

And, please, stop calling her "baby mama" - it's derogatory and you know it. You can call her the "birth mother" or "Larla's mom" or "my boyfriend's former girlfriend/partner" if they had more than a one night stand.

As a mom, I'd be mortified that you were treating another person with disrespect and engaging in (what you think is) tit for tat.

You don't have to like her or interact much, but everyone deserves the basic dignity of "nice to meet you".

Even birth mom sounds misleading here, like she surrendered the kid for adoption and you, OP are in the running for “real mom”. Larla’s mom is actually raising Larla so call her Larla’s mom. You will never have to apologize for that.

Introducing her to someone:

“Larla is my bf Joe’s daughter and Carol is Larla’s mom.” And then move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

I don’t believe I’m immature for not willing to meet with someone who has called me a “f****** b**ch” among other disrespecting terms, verbally abuses my partner when given the opportunity, talks shit about me on social media, and will not respect a single boundary that my partner has put up out of respect for me.

Also I want to add that she did these things months to weeks before I had ever even thought about meeting the kid, so it wasn’t in response to that.

Okay so clearly she called you these names before she knew anything about you. Clearly it’s not personal, she’s another bitter who will never be respectful to her child’s father or any woman in his life because of their past. So what?

I’m a much younger second wife and step mom whose husband’s bitter ex has called me every name in the book, so listen to me.

Do you want a good relationship with this child? Is that important to you? Do you think starting the relationship off with her mother this way is going to foster that? She obviously talks trash and will have no problem doing so to the child— do you think the child‘s feelings toward you will not be influenced by what her mother says, who she likely spends a lot more time with? Who cares what the court order says that some PPs seem to think is all that matters. What matters is this child who is unfortunately surrounded by 3 immature adults.

Why do you care so much what she has said about you? Why does your boyfriend? Is he not over her yet? Your biggest beef is she won’t respect “boundaries he put up out of respect for you” LOL darling. It’s actually just contempt he has towards her for whatever transpired between them and he is playing you to be so outraged by her so he can feel better about his part in their failed relationship. My husband and I could not care less about what his hateful ex goes on and on about. She’s so awful to both of us, but like, so what? Their children are watching and they can see very clearly that she is the unhinged one and they love and respect me so much, and I love them.

Why can’t you just meet her? No one says be best friends, but say hi and introduce yourself be cordial. However she views you after that is her problem. But I dont think it’s as bad as you think since she did extend the olive branch and tried to put together a gift for you. Do you have children yourself? Because I can tell you that any new playdate or birthday party that is drop off only, naturally you would want to at least meet the adults in charge for a few minutes to feel the vibe and preview where your child will be staying. And that’s only for 2 hours. It’s not unreasonable that she wants to meet someone who spends so much time with their precious child.

And girl, the way you got so upset when someone called him his wife?? Yikes. Tone that down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

This. When a child is involved more is involved including communicating with the other parents about your child meeting a new partner. I also don’t really understand why you always have to sleep over when the child is with the dad if the dad only gets the child 50/50.

My dad died and my mom ended up getting engaged to someone who lived with us but then he just decided to leave. It was pretty devastating to a kid. It ended up being for the best, but when kids are involved it is not about you and if you keep making it about you and not what is best for the kid (being kind to her mother) then you shouldn’t be in this relationship.

You should immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe this lady anything. If you don't want to meet her you don't have to if the court doesn't say so. It's not like she's going to be able to know if you're a safe person to be around her daughter based on a 5 minute meet and greet so that's not what it's actually about. She just wants to maintain as much control as she can. The dad is just as much a parent as she is and assessed you to be fit, and that would be good enough for any judge if you were wondering.

That said, you might think about extending some kind of goodwill so the narrative can't be spun that you're not being cooperative. You can have firm boundaries but also do some of the inconsequential things that she wants with a smile (like saying hi at pickup). Don't be stubborn for the principle of the thing. You're not losing any self-respect by doing that.

That's not so much a narrative, as exactly what OP is describing about her own behavior. Refusing to open and read text messages, refusing to say hello at drop off - OP is not being cooperative at all. That's not a narrative, it's reality and very childish.

Why should she open the messages? It's extremely inappropriate for the ex to message her ex's new girlfriend at all, much less multiple times and try to manipulate her and drag her into the coparenting conflict which is between the boyfriend and the ex. If the ex didn't trust the guy's judgment about who would be around her daughter she shouldn't have had a kid with him to begin with and it sounds like they weren't married either. This lady made bad decision after bad decision and lost control over her child's life as a result. She can be upset about it but it's not OP's problem.

From what OP said she's just living her life and being neither cooperative or uncooperative. She does not need to be and SHOULD NOT BE involved in the squabble between mom and dad over who dad is allowing around the kid. Any judge would laugh in the ex's face if she tried to complain that OP doesn't want to meet her and would absolutely not like that the ex was harassing her about coparenting issues on facebook. Have any of you actually been in family court?

It's utterly ridiculous how ex wives feel entitled to control their ex's parenting, relationships, and new girlfriends after divorce/separation. You can't. Very few judges would entertain including some kind of "morality" clause that forbids overnight guests or cohabitation, or demands that new partners must be introduced in a parenting order, and it's largely unenforceable anyway.

The only thing here that the ex might be able to go after is the right of first refusal to prevent OP from picking her daughter up from school and babysitting. But if that hasn't been informally established up to this point, and she's been okay with any other of his relatives (grandma, etc) or other people babysitting since the separation, it will look extremely petty that she's fussing about it only with the new girlfriend's arrival on the scene. She won't have ground to stand on and a judge will probably maintain the status quo without the right of first refusal.

Don't have a kid with someone who you wouldn't trust completely to be on the same page as you parenting if you were suddenly out of the picture some or all of the time for whatever reason. And if you don't trust them, don't get divorced.

What on earth are you reading? No, she's refusing to get out of a car and say hello, listening to baby daddy's voicemails and reading his texts, and trying to gin up sympathy on DCUM. She's gleefully getting in the middle of a coparenting conflict and then behaving like a child instead of an adult. Her boyfriend is inappropriately by involving her with his drama (which she clearly gets off on, she's got the vibe of a 24 year old who has been convinced by her older boyfriend she's "special" and "not like those other girls") and then stonewalling the mother of his child when she very reasonably wants to meet the third adult sleeping in a house with her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t be happy if my child were spending so much time with you and I hadn’t met you. Don’t know what to tell you.

+1. Why can’t you be the bigger person and say hello? Tell her she has a wonderful daughter, etc. She may be insecure that you are trying to take her place and meeting you may reassure her that is not the case (assuming it isn’t).

OP is into the drama.

Feel sorry for the kid. Dad should have a better "picker" now that he is a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the people responding that "baby mama" and "baby daddy" is derogatory very old or something? It's not, it's just slang, and it's super common to use because we don't really have a formal word for it. No one wants to type "my boyfriend's child's mother" a million times.

Birth mother or bio mom are far more respectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oof. OP, as you can tell, this forum is mostly jilted ex wives who absolutely hate their ex husband's new girlfriend no matter what they do and youre just one of them. You won't get unbiased advice here. Head over to r/stepparents (or maybe you already have judging by the lingo you use; if so, definitely post this there!) to get sound advice from people who are dealing with high conflict baby mamas and just doing their best like you. Don't let these bitter old broads convince you that you are somehow the problem for being wary about getting close to someone who is known to violate boundaries, is verbally abusive, and has a history of cursing at you and calling you names. She has no right to meet you, much less a friendship, with you or to dictate whether or not you can spend time with her child unless it's written in a parenting agreement. You're not immature or doing anything unethical or immoral by trusting your partners judgment in what's best for his daughter and the timeline of your relationship. You sound like you're trying to do what's best for the three of you, and kudos for not stopping to her level. You can't be the stable person this child clearly needs in their life if you're going crazy trying to accommodate a crazy baby mama and her bad behavior.

As for advice, I would send a brief thank you card for the gift and wishing her a happy holiday. Let her think you never read the Facebook messages because you just don't get on there much so she doesn't know she can harass you there.

Nope, I’ve been her. She is being immature. Have an adult conversation over dinner; that’s what I did. Who cares what the mother has said about you, this isn’t high school.