Common things that keep people unmarried

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

I don't think single women are doing better than men at homeownership, but rather, men who can afford homes also choose to get married (to women who couldn't afford a home on their own).

Or perhaps the women who couldn't afford a home on their own are more likely to seek out a man who can afford a home.

Just don't want to assume what is correlation and what is causation here.

Exactly - I’m a single divorced woman with own home, stable job, car, international travel once a year and short weekend trips with my family. I have a housekeeper coming every 2 weeks. It would take seriously falling in love with someone for me to remarry and I need to feel that person is really pulling off his weight in the relationship. Mentally, financially, time availability etc

Other than money and income earning ability, what do you think you bring to the relationship table? Serious question. The only stuff you mentioned is your ability to pay for certain things and what you think your needs are.

You didn't mention what you could bring to your partner other than money. And since it seems as if you still want a partner who has more money than you, why should a guy equivalent or better than you financially settle for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

I don't think single women are doing better than men at homeownership, but rather, men who can afford homes also choose to get married (to women who couldn't afford a home on their own).

Or perhaps the women who couldn't afford a home on their own are more likely to seek out a man who can afford a home.

Just don't want to assume what is correlation and what is causation here.

Exactly - I’m a single divorced woman with own home, stable job, car, international travel once a year and short weekend trips with my family. I have a housekeeper coming every 2 weeks. It would take seriously falling in love with someone for me to remarry and I need to feel that person is really pulling off his weight in the relationship. Mentally, financially, time availability etc

Other than money and income earning ability, what do you think you bring to the relationship table? Serious question. The only stuff you mentioned is your ability to pay for certain things and what you think your needs are.

You didn't mention what you could bring to your partner other than money. And since it seems as if you still want a partner who has more money than you, why should a guy equivalent or better than you financially settle for you?

I'm a great cook, educator (already sent one talented biological child to Ivy, and can send another set of kids, it won't be my own babies at this point but steps), wine&art connoisseur, can discuss many political and cultural topics with my partner; share their interests (if they align with mine such as tennis, skiing, reading, joint attendance of concerts, travel); can help out with his career and personal growth. I also have cute face, weigh 139 pounds at 5'9 height, still have 27' mid section and perky boobs, and love sex. Not sure if men bring the same to the table. Most just don't, otherwise I wouldn't beating them off with a stick from my door step. Had 2 marriage proposals in one year post divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I look at my never-married 35+ friends, the common denominator is that they all wasted too much of their prime dating years (early to late 20s) in dead-end relationships. These women are kind, attractive, employed, and it's not that they have crazy high standards, it's that the vast majority of same-age men are either already off the market or wanting to date younger.

Yeah that’s a rough time for women until you start getting a lot older. Options are basically date older - a guy age 43+ if you’re 35 most likely and then adjust from there. Date blue collar instead of white collar. Or date YOUNGER especially if the woman is financially in decent condition. I have a friend who was married young, divorced young with a kid. She has a really decent job as a middle school principal in a medium COL area and is quite pretty (I’m sure that fact is important). She recently remarried to a guy about 10 years younger who is a fitness trainer and amateur athlete. Ages 37/27ish. He loves being a stepdad, kid’s bio dad is barely in the picture, and they haven’t closed the door on having a kid together either.

+1. It’s definitely a numbers game. Only so many hot, nice, sex-positive women who don’t state their opinions to go around. Most men will have to give on something - average looking, moody, dead bedroom, feminist.

Same for women. Only so many wealthy, generous, good looking, non maga men. Most women will have to give on [b]income, [b]asshatery, short/bald, or conservative views.

It’s only the top 5% of each that get the whole package. The vast majority of men don’t marry gorgeous women. And the vast majority of women don’t marry the seven figure income men.

Many educated women insist on marry a man with a degree. With 60% of college students female, women will be left out if they don’t marry men with a degree. With the obesity epidemic in America, the majority of women are overweight. Men will have to marry larger women or they will be left out. The people who don’t realize this remain single.

Honestly, women are not interested in the "put out and shut up" model of marriage. They are also not interested in "asshatery".

I would like to be in a healthy marriage of equal partners, but, TBH, I don't really ever meet men who treat me like an equal nor do I see any marriages in my peer group that I would consider marriage of equals. Even my well-educated, successful female peers with good jobs have been forced to downshift more than their partners for unpaid caregiving.

Women work. They can have kids on their own. They have options that don't involve being in an abusive or unequal partnership, and their desire to "not compromise" and stay out of that kind of relationship is what has "kept them unmarried."

What does a woman with your attitude have to offer other than your cognitive biased and unrealistic expectations as you have expressed so adroitly here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

I don't think single women are doing better than men at homeownership, but rather, men who can afford homes also choose to get married (to women who couldn't afford a home on their own).

Or perhaps the women who couldn't afford a home on their own are more likely to seek out a man who can afford a home.

Just don't want to assume what is correlation and what is causation here.

Exactly - I’m a single divorced woman with own home, stable job, car, international travel once a year and short weekend trips with my family. I have a housekeeper coming every 2 weeks. It would take seriously falling in love with someone for me to remarry and I need to feel that person is really pulling off his weight in the relationship. Mentally, financially, time availability etc

Other than money and income earning ability, what do you think you bring to the relationship table? Serious question. The only stuff you mentioned is your ability to pay for certain things and what you think your needs are.

You didn't mention what you could bring to your partner other than money. And since it seems as if you still want a partner who has more money than you, why should a guy equivalent or better than you financially settle for you?

I'm a great cook, educator (already sent one talented biological child to Ivy, and can send another set of kids, it won't be my own babies at this point but steps), wine&art connoisseur, can discuss many political and cultural topics with my partner; share their interests (if they align with mine such as tennis, skiing, reading, joint attendance of concerts, travel); can help out with his career and personal growth. I also have cute face, weigh 139 pounds at 5'9 height, still have 27' mid section and perky boobs, and love sex. Not sure if men bring the same to the table. Most just don't, otherwise I wouldn't beating them off with a stick from my door step. Had 2 marriage proposals in one year post divorce.

Two marriage proposals in one year is impressive! Can you share what you think allowed you to have that sort of luck? What were the men like? Where they looking for marriage right out the gate? How old were you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The reality is that the people who remain single are not socially attuned, sometimes in ways that may not always be visible to people not dating them. I bet some of them could be found autistic (high-functioning kind). I'm a scientist and met my husband in the lab. A lot of men there were socially-challenged. He has ASD. My son has ASD. It takes a certain type of person to look past that. If my husband were to use OLD and go on dates, he wouldn't be able to find anyone. He's not social at all, but at the time I met him, he had good looks and fitness working for him, we shared scientific interests, and we met in person, which is very important to build a rapport with someone who isn't social.

When you start off with certain social challenges, sometimes a lifetime is not enough to meet your significant other. The statistics work against you, and OLD is a killer.

So sounds like someone with ASD needs to meet their spouse whilst doing their academic hyper interest, hurry up propose, get married, and lock in a kid before any basic life incapabilities get discovered.

PP with the ASD husband and son, back for answer a poster's question, and comment on the above post.

Well, the truth is, good looks go a long way towards attracting a mate, and money goes a long way towards keeping a mate.

My husband was very cute and poor when I met him, and is now less cute but wealthy. He has interesting opinions about many things, and has a trouble-shooting mentality. He is not empathetic, he cannot read body language or hints well, things have to be spelled out. He's awkward in social settings. When he helps, he does help a lot and without stinting. It's difficult to describe exactly all his capacity for hurting yet also supporting us. He just doesn't see the world on the same plane as most of us or operate within the usual social rules. I think I have a lot of patience, I don't mind explaining social mores to him, and translating constantly: maybe because I come from an international family, and grew up constantly translating in my mind, and juggling different cultures, languages, social expectations, religions, etc. Autism is just another "culture/language/alien planet" one needs to adapt to.

"Basic life incapabilities" usually are revealed after having children, because parenting requires a lot of social acumen: you're doing the social communication work for two, because little kids aren't self-aware and can't make sense of their feelings. If the parent has ASD, you start to see issues - they can't read their own child easily, and start to enact rigid and sometimes inappropriate rules until the kids start advocating for themselves properly. When a kid has ASD, that's when all hell breaks loose, because now you have two people who butt heads with each other because neither can read the other well. Having both a husband with ASD and a son with ASD made me consider divorce, or simply running away. Now my son is in college, and I think we've survived the worst.

Same. Did you work full time during all of this?

My MiL battled through this all with a HFA husband and two sons. One launched, one has not. She quit her job to stay home and tutor the kids and do everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?

+1. Although to me kindness doesn’t mean things like spending time and attention on the downtrodden or cats, it more means valuing people for themselves rather than players in their personal narrative. Maybe that’s not a conventional definition of kindness.

Its still a good definition as kindness comes in different forms.

Kindness means never complaining or criticizing. Just keep the house nice and the kids happy. And me too. Kindness.

[Anonymous]

In my late twenties I was a normal weight and then lost 21 pounds. All of a sudden guys were coming out of the woodwork— everywhere I went. And guys I already knew were suddenly being even nicer to me. It was actually a really depressing lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

I don't think single women are doing better than men at homeownership, but rather, men who can afford homes also choose to get married (to women who couldn't afford a home on their own).

Or perhaps the women who couldn't afford a home on their own are more likely to seek out a man who can afford a home.

Just don't want to assume what is correlation and what is causation here.

Exactly - I’m a single divorced woman with own home, stable job, car, international travel once a year and short weekend trips with my family. I have a housekeeper coming every 2 weeks. It would take seriously falling in love with someone for me to remarry and I need to feel that person is really pulling off his weight in the relationship. Mentally, financially, time availability etc

Other than money and income earning ability, what do you think you bring to the relationship table? Serious question. The only stuff you mentioned is your ability to pay for certain things and what you think your needs are.

You didn't mention what you could bring to your partner other than money. And since it seems as if you still want a partner who has more money than you, why should a guy equivalent or better than you financially settle for you?

I'm a great cook, educator (already sent one talented biological child to Ivy, and can send another set of kids, it won't be my own babies at this point but steps), wine&art connoisseur, can discuss many political and cultural topics with my partner; share their interests (if they align with mine such as tennis, skiing, reading, joint attendance of concerts, travel); can help out with his career and personal growth. I also have cute face, weigh 139 pounds at 5'9 height, still have 27' mid section and perky boobs, and love sex. Not sure if men bring the same to the table. Most just don't, otherwise I wouldn't beating them off with a stick from my door step. Had 2 marriage proposals in one year post divorce.

Two marriage proposals in one year is impressive! Can you share what you think allowed you to have that sort of luck? What were the men like? Where they looking for marriage right out the gate? How old were you?

I was 44 at that time, just dating. Divorced at 42 after a very long marriage. One man was 2 years younger never married and he proposed within 3 months. He said I was very level headed and he was eager to start a family soon (it would be the donor egg for me biological child for him). But he wanted a baby within 2 years which was too fast for me. I wasn’t ready to pull off a new family right after my divorce although I’m not opposed having more kids. A second man divorced 10 years ago, early 50s and just wanted to settle I think. More of a convenience /checking boxes after he dated for a while and got tired. Yes, both men were marriage oriented from the start, at the right point in life.
I’m 46 now and date early 50s man who is also open to marry but I’m not ready. I would remarry by my 50s, I told him.

[Anonymous]

I am one of those 45+, never married, single mom women. Had a fiancé who was so sweet, fit, smart, educated and loving. He also could only ask 5-10minutes in the bedroom. It was a major deal breaker for me. I wish I could have endured our sexual issues. I ended it and have never met another man who measures up character-wise.

I went on to have a kid with a fling. He was great in bed, but horrible character and values.

Now, I would like to get married to an older and loving man. But I have two homes, a solid retirement plan, and financially stable lifestyle. Getting married seems so risky. I meet men often and I have tried to secure long lasting relationships. My tolerance is very low. The last guy who I really loved would have these scary arguments with me. My stomach would get so sick after our arguments. He had a history of anger management and even walked out on his wife and two children (1 a newborn). I tried so hard to deal with it because we got along in other areas. But his anger created a big distance and I just decided to remain single instead of trying to push for more romance.

I do feel like a failure because I have not secured a husband. But all my married friends have tolerated infidelity, verbal abuse, unemployed husbands, addicts, criminal behavior or sexless marriages at some point in the relationship. I don't know what the right answers are. But I don't have the mental fortitude to deal with a partner who causes lots of volatility in my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my late twenties I was a normal weight and then lost 21 pounds. All of a sudden guys were coming out of the woodwork— everywhere I went. And guys I already knew were suddenly being even nicer to me. It was actually a really depressing lesson.

Normal nowadays is overweight. Why does it depress you that being a healthier fitter person is attractive?

You don't say why you lost the weight. Presumably because you were trying to improve your fitness and appearance. It worked.

It's highly neurotic to be depressed at getting healthier .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my late twenties I was a normal weight and then lost 21 pounds. All of a sudden guys were coming out of the woodwork— everywhere I went. And guys I already knew were suddenly being even nicer to me. It was actually a really depressing lesson.

Normal nowadays is overweight. Why does it depress you that being a healthier fitter person is attractive?

You don't say why you lost the weight. Presumably because you were trying to improve your fitness and appearance. It worked.

It's highly neurotic to be depressed at getting healthier .

That isn’t what she means, you missed the point, and calling her neurotic is just rude. Find some manners, buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

I don't think single women are doing better than men at homeownership, but rather, men who can afford homes also choose to get married (to women who couldn't afford a home on their own).

Or perhaps the women who couldn't afford a home on their own are more likely to seek out a man who can afford a home.

Just don't want to assume what is correlation and what is causation here.

Exactly - I’m a single divorced woman with own home, stable job, car, international travel once a year and short weekend trips with my family. I have a housekeeper coming every 2 weeks. It would take seriously falling in love with someone for me to remarry and I need to feel that person is really pulling off his weight in the relationship. Mentally, financially, time availability etc

Other than money and income earning ability, what do you think you bring to the relationship table? Serious question. The only stuff you mentioned is your ability to pay for certain things and what you think your needs are.

You didn't mention what you could bring to your partner other than money. And since it seems as if you still want a partner who has more money than you, why should a guy equivalent or better than you financially settle for you?

I'm a great cook, educator (already sent one talented biological child to Ivy, and can send another set of kids, it won't be my own babies at this point but steps), wine&art connoisseur, can discuss many political and cultural topics with my partner; share their interests (if they align with mine such as tennis, skiing, reading, joint attendance of concerts, travel); can help out with his career and personal growth. I also have cute face, weigh 139 pounds at 5'9 height, still have 27' mid section and perky boobs, and love sex. Not sure if men bring the same to the table. Most just don't, otherwise I wouldn't beating them off with a stick from my door step. Had 2 marriage proposals in one year post divorce.

Two marriage proposals in one year is impressive! Can you share what you think allowed you to have that sort of luck? What were the men like? Where they looking for marriage right out the gate? How old were you?

I was 44 at that time, just dating. Divorced at 42 after a very long marriage. One man was 2 years younger never married and he proposed within 3 months. He said I was very level headed and he was eager to start a family soon (it would be the donor egg for me biological child for him). But he wanted a baby within 2 years which was too fast for me. I wasn’t ready to pull off a new family right after my divorce although I’m not opposed having more kids. A second man divorced 10 years ago, early 50s and just wanted to settle I think. More of a convenience /checking boxes after he dated for a while and got tired. Yes, both men were marriage oriented from the start, at the right point in life.
I’m 46 now and date early 50s man who is also open to marry but I’m not ready. I would remarry by my 50s, I told him.

Ah, forgot to answer - both men had grad degrees. The younger was operations director at an IT giant and super into fitness (maybe too much in my taste). The older one was a director at an. association. He had a small belly, but otherwise very active (trained his sons’ sport team) and attractive face. Both tall 6’2 and well read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

I don't think single women are doing better than men at homeownership, but rather, men who can afford homes also choose to get married (to women who couldn't afford a home on their own).

Or perhaps the women who couldn't afford a home on their own are more likely to seek out a man who can afford a home.

Just don't want to assume what is correlation and what is causation here.

Exactly - I’m a single divorced woman with own home, stable job, car, international travel once a year and short weekend trips with my family. I have a housekeeper coming every 2 weeks. It would take seriously falling in love with someone for me to remarry and I need to feel that person is really pulling off his weight in the relationship. Mentally, financially, time availability etc

Other than money and income earning ability, what do you think you bring to the relationship table? Serious question. The only stuff you mentioned is your ability to pay for certain things and what you think your needs are.

You didn't mention what you could bring to your partner other than money. And since it seems as if you still want a partner who has more money than you, why should a guy equivalent or better than you financially settle for you?

I'm a great cook, educator (already sent one talented biological child to Ivy, and can send another set of kids, it won't be my own babies at this point but steps), wine&art connoisseur, can discuss many political and cultural topics with my partner; share their interests (if they align with mine such as tennis, skiing, reading, joint attendance of concerts, travel); can help out with his career and personal growth. I also have cute face, weigh 139 pounds at 5'9 height, still have 27' mid section and perky boobs, and love sex. Not sure if men bring the same to the table. Most just don't, otherwise I wouldn't beating them off with a stick from my door step. Had 2 marriage proposals in one year post divorce.

I don’t understand these women who say they get multiple proposals. In my experience and with my friends, they only come after the couple has dated awhile, decided they want to have a future together and marry. Who are these random men who propose in under a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single women make up 17% of homeowners. Single men? 9%. We don't need mediocre white men to live fulfilling lives.

https://www.bankrate.com/mortgages/single-women-pursue-homeownership/#:~:text=As%20of%202023%2C%20single%20women,percent%20of%20real%20estate%20purchases.)

I don't think single women are doing better than men at homeownership, but rather, men who can afford homes also choose to get married (to women who couldn't afford a home on their own).

Or perhaps the women who couldn't afford a home on their own are more likely to seek out a man who can afford a home.

Just don't want to assume what is correlation and what is causation here.

Exactly - I’m a single divorced woman with own home, stable job, car, international travel once a year and short weekend trips with my family. I have a housekeeper coming every 2 weeks. It would take seriously falling in love with someone for me to remarry and I need to feel that person is really pulling off his weight in the relationship. Mentally, financially, time availability etc

Other than money and income earning ability, what do you think you bring to the relationship table? Serious question. The only stuff you mentioned is your ability to pay for certain things and what you think your needs are.

You didn't mention what you could bring to your partner other than money. And since it seems as if you still want a partner who has more money than you, why should a guy equivalent or better than you financially settle for you?

I'm a great cook, educator (already sent one talented biological child to Ivy, and can send another set of kids, it won't be my own babies at this point but steps), wine&art connoisseur, can discuss many political and cultural topics with my partner; share their interests (if they align with mine such as tennis, skiing, reading, joint attendance of concerts, travel); can help out with his career and personal growth. I also have cute face, weigh 139 pounds at 5'9 height, still have 27' mid section and perky boobs, and love sex. Not sure if men bring the same to the table. Most just don't, otherwise I wouldn't beating them off with a stick from my door step. Had 2 marriage proposals in one year post divorce.

Why did you divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a fat, dumpy, happily married woman and am sure I could remarry quickly if anything happened to my DH. DH’s divorced friends tell him that they wouldn’t be divorced if their wives had been more like me…laid back, optimistic, sense of humor and easy to get on with.

I think most never-married women and men in their 40s likely are rigid and controlling even down to their ideas about what they want in a relationship. Or they have mental issues that send out red flags to potential mates. And at least half of the divorced ones are too probably, but you can’t be certain there because the other half could have been the cause.

Exactly. Man here. Kindness was the 1st thing I used to look for, so important!
Then I looked for sense of humor, her being genuine, intelligence (not necessarily her advanced education), and availability.
Easy going, not at extremes politically either side.
Responsible financially (notice, I'm not saying rich).
Later compatibility in bed which was not rushed.
And have the ability to honestly & enthusiastically commit to an exclusive relationship with no desire to revisit past relationships.
Did I say she needs to possess kindness?

+1. Although to me kindness doesn’t mean things like spending time and attention on the downtrodden or cats, it more means valuing people for themselves rather than players in their personal narrative. Maybe that’s not a conventional definition of kindness.

Its still a good definition as kindness comes in different forms.

Kindness means never complaining or criticizing. Just keep the house nice and the kids happy. And me too. Kindness.

Boy you sound bitter