No Halloween plans

[Anonymous]

It is built up into a much bigger thing now. I used to go with neighbors - some were a little older, some a little younger. My parents would’ve laughed at me if I asked for a ride to & from a friend’s house that night. When we were little the parents walked around with us with beers in hand, & then when were in middle school we were able to run off ahead & go wherever & come back when we wanted (like at a normal time). And then in high school, it was over & we gave out candy & hid the pieces that we liked so that if no more kids came, we could eat the good stuff. It was so much more lowkey & enjoyable.

Middle school now is a tough time for Halloween. There’s a lot of talk about everyone’s plans & kids can feel really left out - even though half of their friends are in the same situation, since they are just starting to make plans on their own & aren’t great at it yet. Encourage them to ask even last minute if a friend wants to get together, even a friend they don’t know well. So many middle schoolers are in this same boat.

[Anonymous]

You gotta teach your kids how to MAKE plans. If your kid has friends to eat lunch with, most likely they aren’t friendless loners being cut out of social plans like a bad 80s movie. Instead of waiting for other families/kids to organize something and then invite your kid, so the organizing. Offer to take a couple kids to a haunted house the weekend before. Be the “base” house that the kids can hang out at after TTing or the ride that takes them to the best candy neighborhood. Have your kid communicate that early and I bet you get some takers. Stop waiting around to be a tag along to someone else’s idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You gotta teach your kids how to MAKE plans. If your kid has friends to eat lunch with, most likely they aren’t friendless loners being cut out of social plans like a bad 80s movie. Instead of waiting for other families/kids to organize something and then invite your kid, so the organizing. Offer to take a couple kids to a haunted house the weekend before. Be the “base” house that the kids can hang out at after TTing or the ride that takes them to the best candy neighborhood. Have your kid communicate that early and I bet you get some takers. Stop waiting around to be a tag along to someone else’s idea.

My daughter did that in MS. She confirmed plans with two other girls to go TOTing in a certain neighborhood. I contacted the mom on Halloween night to get info on where to drop her off, but she said her daughter was going out with her cousin instead (I'm not sure what happened to the other girl, I didn't have her parent's number). My DD was so heartbroken. It was the first time she ever had Halloween plans. I felt so bad for her.

I dislike how it's a big thing now too.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If you have a neighbor child who doesn’t have tons of friends, they’d probably love an invitation. You could cast a wider net.

This is always the answer. In middle school kids get really independent and cliquey, they don't want to "include everyone" as much as they used to. I hate it too but I think they should be allowed to have their small chosen groups and those who don't want that route should have front yard parties that still include everyone. Chances are they all circle back to each other by the end of the night or separate for logistical disagreements.

This is when parents need to parent and teach their kids to be inclusive instead of cliquey, little a-holes. I feel like I am one of the only parents who does this and it's sh-----y. Lots of talk of kindness and mental health on these boards yet we just let kids continue with the same mean, clique crap that has existed forever.

Do better.

I know, right? Teasing, bullying, clique group behavior has never been good, but some hoe it's accepted. How do parents not know their kid is doing this? And if they do, why don't they do anything about it?

Parents absolutely know. Social inclusion efforts at our school sounded really good on paper and blew up when they tried to implement them in real life. Actual feedback from parents: “my kids shouldn’t have to be nice to people who they don’t like.”

Of course you should be nice, kind and respectful.

But is it really that hard to distinguish between telling your kid "be friendly; be kind" and "I'm going to force you to spend the next 3 hours doing an activity you've been looking forward to with a kid you either don't know, or don't enjoy spending time with"

I expect my kids to be helpful, kind and respectful to EVERYONE. But I'm not going to force them to spend time with someone that the don't know or don't like.

It's not hard to distinguish. It's also not hard to tell your kid they should do so and why. Unless they're being bullied or harassed, there is ZERO reason your kid cannot include a kid for a few hours of trick or treating. Zero. And the fact you think it is, well, you are part of the problem. As long as your kid is included, who GAF about anyone else's right? Nice attitude to pass on.

Incorrect.
Years ago there was a girl in my daughters MS class that used to HUMP TREES (yes you read that right) among other strange things. She didn’t have many friends. There is no way in hell I’d force my kid to spend 2 hours ToTing with someone who stops to hump trees. I’m not ruining my daughters night in an effort to be inclusive. No thanks.

This. 100% this.

Don't make fun. Don't be mean. But I'm not going to force you to spend time with a tree humper.

Do you include the beer-bellied slob who spends his Saturdays gambling college football in our book club? Probably not. And you'd probably be resentful if someone forced you to include him.

I don’t know how my suggestion to cast a wider net got turned into “invite the weirdest kid you know.” My kids can name neighbor kids who don’t share their interests and won’t ever be close friends, but who are sweet natured. They may find these kids a little boring or immature or fixated on narrow interests, but ToT doesn’t require much conversation. It’s definitely an activity you can enjoy with someone who’s more of an acquaintance than a close friend.

Maybe because you literally said there is ZERO reason to not include another kid. I just gave you one reason.

No, that was someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a neighbor child who doesn’t have tons of friends, they’d probably love an invitation. You could cast a wider net.

This is always the answer. In middle school kids get really independent and cliquey, they don't want to "include everyone" as much as they used to. I hate it too but I think they should be allowed to have their small chosen groups and those who don't want that route should have front yard parties that still include everyone. Chances are they all circle back to each other by the end of the night or separate for logistical disagreements.

This is when parents need to parent and teach their kids to be inclusive instead of cliquey, little a-holes. I feel like I am one of the only parents who does this and it's sh-----y. Lots of talk of kindness and mental health on these boards yet we just let kids continue with the same mean, clique crap that has existed forever.

Do better.

I know, right? Teasing, bullying, clique group behavior has never been good, but some hoe it's accepted. How do parents not know their kid is doing this? And if they do, why don't they do anything about it?

Parents absolutely know. Social inclusion efforts at our school sounded really good on paper and blew up when they tried to implement them in real life. Actual feedback from parents: “my kids shouldn’t have to be nice to people who they don’t like.”

Of course you should be nice, kind and respectful.

But is it really that hard to distinguish between telling your kid "be friendly; be kind" and "I'm going to force you to spend the next 3 hours doing an activity you've been looking forward to with a kid you either don't know, or don't enjoy spending time with"

I expect my kids to be helpful, kind and respectful to EVERYONE. But I'm not going to force them to spend time with someone that the don't know or don't like.

It's not hard to distinguish. It's also not hard to tell your kid they should do so and why. Unless they're being bullied or harassed, there is ZERO reason your kid cannot include a kid for a few hours of trick or treating. Zero. And the fact you think it is, well, you are part of the problem. As long as your kid is included, who GAF about anyone else's right? Nice attitude to pass on.

Incorrect.
Years ago there was a girl in my daughters MS class that used to HUMP TREES (yes you read that right) among other strange things. She didn’t have many friends. There is no way in hell I’d force my kid to spend 2 hours ToTing with someone who stops to hump trees. I’m not ruining my daughters night in an effort to be inclusive. No thanks.

This. 100% this.

Don't make fun. Don't be mean. But I'm not going to force you to spend time with a tree humper.

Do you include the beer-bellied slob who spends his Saturdays gambling college football in our book club? Probably not. And you'd probably be resentful if someone forced you to include him.

I don’t know how my suggestion to cast a wider net got turned into “invite the weirdest kid you know.” My kids can name neighbor kids who don’t share their interests and won’t ever be close friends, but who are sweet natured. They may find these kids a little boring or immature or fixated on narrow interests, but ToT doesn’t require much conversation. It’s definitely an activity you can enjoy with someone who’s more of an acquaintance than a close friend.

Maybe because you literally said there is ZERO reason to not include another kid. I just gave you one reason.

No, that was someone else.

You didn’t identify yourself as a DP in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is built up into a much bigger thing now. I used to go with neighbors - some were a little older, some a little younger. My parents would’ve laughed at me if I asked for a ride to & from a friend’s house that night. When we were little the parents walked around with us with beers in hand, & then when were in middle school we were able to run off ahead & go wherever & come back when we wanted (like at a normal time). And then in high school, it was over & we gave out candy & hid the pieces that we liked so that if no more kids came, we could eat the good stuff. It was so much more lowkey & enjoyable.

Middle school now is a tough time for Halloween. There’s a lot of talk about everyone’s plans & kids can feel really left out - even though half of their friends are in the same situation, since they are just starting to make plans on their own & aren’t great at it yet. Encourage them to ask even last minute if a friend wants to get together, even a friend they don’t know well. So many middle schoolers are in this same boat.

I think there are more halloween hang outs and parties starting in middle school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. Just realized this was tween/teen forum. Having 2 this age, lots of kids just stop going trick or treating at this age.

Some people love Halloween. Some don’t. Before Covid, we would go to trunk or treats and moms group’s Halloween events. These were all for younger kids. My older kids don’t love Halloween. They didn’t want to go to Cox farms. They don’t want to go apple picking.

NP and yes. I have two kids. One stopped ToT before 6th grade. His choice. Sometimes he stays with us to hand out candy and other times he doesn’t. My other kid said she will ToT or go to parties forever. Both have friends but Halloween isn’t a big thing for my son. This year, my 12 yo niece is planning on dressing up but staying with her parents to hand out candy.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t really need to be a big “thing”

Go with your siblings, a parent, tag along with a neighbor you are friends with and run into. Since when did Halloween turn into a highly organized and scheduled social event? I can remember as a kid go by myself with a parent in a car and running as fast as I could house to house and having a blast. Sometimes I’d run into a friend and we’d do a string a houses together then split off until I ran into someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think parents need to stop worrying about their home situation and just invite a few friends. I swear no one cares how messy or chaotic the house is

This. I have had many comments where people have come over and admired how clean and organized and spacious our home is and how theirs isn’t. I can tell that they feel intimidated by it.

I wish they wouldnt care so much. While I love to have kids over (and our home tends to be the meeting spot for DC’s group of friends, I wish others would offer).

I don’t really care how big or small or clean or messy anyone’s home is and neither do the children!

[Anonymous]

Over the years, I’ve had a few parents reach out to me and ask if it’s ok for their kid to trick or treat with mine in our neighborhood. It was only then that I realized how challenging tonight can be for ppl who don’t live in neighborhoods that are easy traverse or have siblings or neighbors they can go with.

I have never said no to any child or parent who has reached out to us. To OP, don’t wait for an invitation- you make the call and text!

[Anonymous]

I LOVE the idea someone had of taking him to see FNAF in the theatre! It's a fun Halloween thing to do. And he can feel like, well I'm too old for trick or treating, anyway, this is a better plan.

And I knoooow we shouldn't be making excuses or feeling embarrassed for TOT with mom, etc. but sometimes you need to tell yourself things to feel better. Especially as a tween, it's not easy. And we all do it.

Mom, when you're not recovering from covid and have more time you can make the upcoming holidays more social.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to a movie. Let him buy a bag of his favorite candy, or two bags if he hits up the clearance sales on Wednesday.

This is a great plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think parents need to stop worrying about their home situation and just invite a few friends. I swear no one cares how messy or chaotic the house is

This. I have had many comments where people have come over and admired how clean and organized and spacious our home is and how theirs isn’t. I can tell that they feel intimidated by it.

I wish they wouldnt care so much. While I love to have kids over (and our home tends to be the meeting spot for DC’s group of friends, I wish others would offer).

I don’t really care how big or small or clean or messy anyone’s home is and neither do the children!

I have 3 kids and they all have not been invited to other’s homes. Over the years, I have felt bad over lack of reciprocity. Now that my kids are older, others invite them out more frequently and the parents who never hosted do offer to drive my kids.

We have a well decorated large home and housekeeper. I feel like people get intimidated because our house is over 12,000sf. My kids have never been invited to friends’ homes who live in a townhouse or apartment. My kids would love to be invited over.

[Anonymous]

I know it changes with age, but I have never made Halloween plans for my kids (oldest 4th grade). They just go out and walk the neighborhood. I dont think it would be a big deal for a 6th grader to do the same.

[Anonymous]

It is a bigger deal now because parents make it a bigger deal.