Reply to "Your spouse should handle the ILs" Why?

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Reply to ""Your spouse should handle the ILs" Why? "

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Thanks for these responses.  I see three general reasons:

1. Distribution of labor (always)- split interactions with parents on logistics things as a way to even out the work between the couple
2. No relationships (always)- somebody has already decided they don't like/enjoy interacting with the IL, so they don't.
3. Protecting Relationships (sometimes)- if it is a particularly sticky or sensitive issue, the ILs child having the conversation is less likely to damage relationships in the long term

Helpful. [/quote]

I think the HUGE piece that's missing is the societal expectation that women will manage family relationships. It's not that "your spouse should handle the ILs". It's that mothers are expected to handle both their own family AND their husband's family in terms of such tasks as holidays, gift-giving, catering foods for get-togethers, and so on. There's a literature on "kin work" which is the labor required to maintain these kin ties, and how historically it's been an invisible part of the expected labor of women.

For me, this has never been about liking or disliking my in-laws. They are lovely. But I'm not automatically taking on the responsibility of writing them thank-you gifts for my kid's Christmas gifts just because I'm the female partner in my relationship.[/quote]

Women are better at this stuff.  We just are.  Families on both sides will be happier if you just maintain those kin ties.  [/quote]

Women are better because we learned how to be, and families will be happier if someone skilled is doing this work. I, however, don't want to do the work. So the families will be less happy, but I will be happier.

My spouse does this work because I have never done it for him, and my son will learn that it is also his responsibility to do this work. His future wife will be happier, too![/quote]

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