We chose not to redshirt DS without considering the long-term consequences:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's better to be the oldest, but not for any of the reasons you mentioned. My parents have been cut off by my brother for not redshirting him. I have a March birthday, so I was already on the older end by default. My brother, however, has a December birthday, and our parents sent him to Kindergarten when he was 4. He was fine academically, but socially, he suffered greatly. Anytime our parents need help with something, it's all on me because my brother always refuses to help, his reasoning always being something along the lines of, "Why should I care about their needs? They evidently didn't care about my needs when they sent me off to Kindergarten so young."

I skipped kindergarten, started first grade when I was five, and didn't grow up to be a soft little chud like your brother.

It's not that your kids will necessarily resent you if you make them the youngest. It's that they won't resent you if you make them the oldest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's better to be the oldest, but not for any of the reasons you mentioned. My parents have been cut off by my brother for not redshirting him. I have a March birthday, so I was already on the older end by default. My brother, however, has a December birthday, and our parents sent him to Kindergarten when he was 4. He was fine academically, but socially, he suffered greatly. Anytime our parents need help with something, it's all on me because my brother always refuses to help, his reasoning always being something along the lines of, "Why should I care about their needs? They evidently didn't care about my needs when they sent me off to Kindergarten so young."

I skipped kindergarten, started first grade when I was five, and didn't grow up to be a soft little chud like your brother.

It's not that your kids will necessarily resent you if you make them the youngest. It's that they won't resent you if you make them the oldest.

That isn't true at all. I have examples in my own family of people who were held back from starting K on time and resented the hell out of being the "old" kid. They were not athletes and they were way ahead academically. It's harder to skip a grade to correct redshirting than it is to hold back in a later grade if it's really necessary. Most people are redshirting for sports (even if they won't admit it) and don't even know at 5 years old if their kid is sporty. Better to start K on time and "reclassify" in 8th for sports -- if the kid is really an athlete.

[Anonymous]

I’m the OP and wanted to give an update. DS got his master’s degree this past spring from a top university and now has a 150k job. However, he says he still hasn’t fully recovered from watching his peers graduate before him. We know we can’t change the past, but I’m hoping that parents of fall-born children who haven’t started school yet will consider holding back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for sharing. These are important considerations and a lot of people aren’t thinking about the possible long term consequences of always being the youngest

Umm someone will always have to be the youngest. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP and wanted to give an update. DS got his master’s degree this past spring from a top university and now has a 150k job. However, he says he still hasn’t fully recovered from watching his peers graduate before him. We know we can’t change the past, but I’m hoping that parents of fall-born children who haven’t started school yet will consider holding back.

Your son has a masters degree but still hasn’t “recovered” from seeing others graduate before him. Yikes!

It sounds like the problem is that your adult son is ridiculously immature which has nothing to do with being redshirted or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's better to be the oldest, but not for any of the reasons you mentioned. My parents have been cut off by my brother for not redshirting him. I have a March birthday, so I was already on the older end by default. My brother, however, has a December birthday, and our parents sent him to Kindergarten when he was 4. He was fine academically, but socially, he suffered greatly. Anytime our parents need help with something, it's all on me because my brother always refuses to help, his reasoning always being something along the lines of, "Why should I care about their needs? They evidently didn't care about my needs when they sent me off to Kindergarten so young."

I skipped kindergarten, started first grade when I was five, and didn't grow up to be a soft little chud like your brother.

It's not that your kids will necessarily resent you if you make them the youngest. It's that they won't resent you if you make them the oldest.

That isn't true at all. I have examples in my own family of people who were held back from starting K on time and resented the hell out of being the "old" kid. They were not athletes and they were way ahead academically. It's harder to skip a grade to correct redshirting than it is to hold back in a later grade if it's really necessary. Most people are redshirting for sports (even if they won't admit it) and don't even know at 5 years old if their kid is sporty. Better to start K on time and "reclassify" in 8th for sports -- if the kid is really an athlete.

I know this thread is old but I know a child in elementary school right now who was redshirted and is really struggling with it. She does fine academically but it's a major issue socially. All the other kids know she was redshirted because of her age, plus she's taller than most of the other kids in her grade. It's really too bad -- I don't think it's helped at all and it's definitely currently hurting.

This is a district where almost no one redshirts though. I think that's a big factor -- just do what others in the school do. Don't make your kid a major outlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The purpose is this post is to encourage parents of kids born between October and December to think long-term when deciding whether or not to send them to kindergarten at 4. Our son has a late November birthday, and when he was 4, all that mattered to us was that he was ready for Kindergarten. We didn't ask ourselves how he would do in high school or college. Thus, we sent him at 4, and he has ultimately been emotionally damaged because of it.

Now contrary to popular opinion, he didn't feel as bad about being the last to get his driver's license as one might expect. After all, it's a hard and fast rule in this country that if you're under 16, you're now allowed a driver's license. Thus, our son knew that his classmates weren't driving before him because of anything he had done wrong; he knew that it was just the law and there was no reason for him to blame himself. However, our son experienced other problems that I'm sure were an indirect result of his relative age. However, because these problems were an indirect result, he had a much harder time not blaming himself for them.

One such example is that he didn't make it into his high school's top orchestra until his senior year, while most of his orchestra friends made it in their junior year. Concerts were torture for him his junior year, as he had to sit in the audience watching his classmates perform some of the greatest classical pieces ever written.

Another example is that he failed Pre-Calculus his junior year, and had to retake it his senior year, meaning he graduated high school with no knowledge of Calculus. Whenever he got together with his friends to study during his senior year, he had to endure the shame of pulling out his Pre-Calculus textbook while all his friends pulled out their Calculus(and in some cases, Multivariable Calculus) textbooks.

But, most recently and most importantly, is that he failed to graduate from college in 4 years. Due to his immaturity when he entered college, he wasn't able to handle as much as most of his classmates, and the result was that he ended up falling a year behind. He should've graduated this spring, but he didn't. It's going to be another year before he graduates and he is miserable about it. These past weeks, he's had to endure his friends from high school as well as his friends from his first year at the university(including his old roommates) posting pictures of themselves in their caps and gowns on facebook. The moderator of that group, the other day, made a post saying, "Congratulations college grads!" which filled our son with shame. A parent of one of his friends from high school invited them to a college graduation party at their enormous house, to which our son had to gloomily decline. Even though he's graduating next year, the people he's going to graduate with are people he barely knows, whereas most people who graduate from college together have shared the full 4 years together, from start to finish.

I've never heard a parent say they regret redshirting, but I've heard many parents say they regret not redshirting, and now I understand why.

I'm am so sorry to take offense to this. Glad I can post without anyone knowing. My kid is one of the oldest kids in his class (started on time) and STILL won't take calculous in high school because he sucks at math. Didn't realize he should feel shame. MAYBE you projected this onto to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP and wanted to give an update. DS got his master’s degree this past spring from a top university and now has a 150k job. However, he says he still hasn’t fully recovered from watching his peers graduate before him. We know we can’t change the past, but I’m hoping that parents of fall-born children who haven’t started school yet will consider holding back.

I’m glad you son is doing well. I know other kids who similarly wish they’d been given that gift of time, and others who did fine as the youngest. In the DC area though with the cost or childcare for s really good preK a lot of people would rather put the $25k into something else.

- parent of a redshirted child

[Anonymous]

My son is a September birthday, and in our school district the cut off is September 1.
I thought about pushing him ahead a year. Academically, he could’ve handled it. However, socially, he was awkward. So we didn’t. And he’s still socially awkward as a sophomore in HS. It would not have mattered to push him ahead.
He will be the first of his friend group to get his license.
He will also be considered an adult his senior year.

[Anonymous]

The overly dramatic writing of OP tells me she is a big part of the problem here. And what does failing pre-Calc have to do with him being a few months younger? As a parent you should have been aware that he was headed towards failure and intervened. You sound like a huge excuse maker who likely prompted your kid to feel like a perpetual victim. Be honest, how many times have you said to your kid that you wish you had red shirted him? I bet a lot. So much so that he has adopted that as part of his victim identity.

[Anonymous]

I WISH we'd redshirted our son. He is a late spring birthday but immature and not a good student. Couple that with half the boys in his grade having been redshirted - his skills look even worse! Redshirting could have lessened years of stress, late night homework interventions and stress. Our son is fine, happy and well-liked but another year's worth of maturity would have gone a long way to facilitate the workload management (and grades!)

I guess we missed the memo - we didn't know to even think about it. It is good food for thought and maybe wills serve as a way for some young parents to stop and think before jumping in. May not be the right answer for everyone but... you know your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP and wanted to give an update. DS got his master’s degree this past spring from a top university and now has a 150k job. However, he says he still hasn’t fully recovered from watching his peers graduate before him. We know we can’t change the past, but I’m hoping that parents of fall-born children who haven’t started school yet will consider holding back.

So are you constantly prompting your son to talk about and revisit the "impacts" of not being red-shirted. Your adult son will likely never be happy if you continue to encourage this victimhood identity. Time for Junior to grow up and take stock of his blessings. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The overly dramatic writing of OP tells me she is a big part of the problem here. And what does failing pre-Calc have to do with him being a few months younger? As a parent you should have been aware that he was headed towards failure and intervened. You sound like a huge excuse maker who likely prompted your kid to feel like a perpetual victim. Be honest, how many times have you said to your kid that you wish you had red shirted him? I bet a lot. So much so that he has adopted that as part of his victim identity.

Yes. When you make a mistake it’s important to admit it and explain and apologize to the people negatively affected by that mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The overly dramatic writing of OP tells me she is a big part of the problem here. And what does failing pre-Calc have to do with him being a few months younger? As a parent you should have been aware that he was headed towards failure and intervened. You sound like a huge excuse maker who likely prompted your kid to feel like a perpetual victim. Be honest, how many times have you said to your kid that you wish you had red shirted him? I bet a lot. So much so that he has adopted that as part of his victim identity.

Yeah. I know more fall-born kids who started than I can count and ALL of them graduated high school at least Calculus AB and ALL of them also graduated from college in 4 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The overly dramatic writing of OP tells me she is a big part of the problem here. And what does failing pre-Calc have to do with him being a few months younger? As a parent you should have been aware that he was headed towards failure and intervened. You sound like a huge excuse maker who likely prompted your kid to feel like a perpetual victim. Be honest, how many times have you said to your kid that you wish you had red shirted him? I bet a lot. So much so that he has adopted that as part of his victim identity.

Yes. When you make a mistake it’s important to admit it and explain and apologize to the people negatively affected by that mistake.

Your kids absorb the narratives you feed to them. If you constantly tell your child that you think they are not capable enough to handle grade level work, that they are smaller than other kids and that this is an important difference that is making their life difficult, then that is what they will think about too.

Redshirt, don't redshirt. But own your choice. Parent the kid you have. Prepare them for the life they are actually living, not the life you'd create for them if you had a Time Machine. The idea that a mother would still be thinking about redshirting for her 20-something child with a graduate degree is incredibly unhealthy.

The thing your son likely needs most is distance from mommy dearest. I hope he gets it.