If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people who "stay for the children" are really fooling themselves. Kids pick up on a lot, and they will sense that you may be living without love, living with grief, anger, tension, lack of trust etc. You are fooling no one. Secondly, the most important thing you can do when evaluating a relationship is to look ONLY at the relationship. That is, remove everything else that surrounds the relationship out of the equation (kids, finances etc). Look only at the quality of the relationship between those 2 people, and then make your decision.

Why would you look only at the quality of the relationship between the 2 people?. I did not get married because I needed a relationship between 2 people- I got married because I wanted to partner with my DH to build a family. I'd consider the impact on my children before leaving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

DP. You speak for yourself.

The point of marriage for me is building a family and raising children. And that is the core for me. I would love to have monogamy( I have it right now)now, but if my DH can keep up with the kind of father he is right now, I will definitely forgive infidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

DP. You speak for yourself.

The point of marriage for me is building a family and raising children. And that is the core for me. I would love to have monogamy( I have it right now)now, but if my DH can keep up with the kind of father he is right now, I will definitely forgive infidelity.

Kind of hard to build a family and raise children if your partner is investing time and energy with someone else. And what if he has kids with someone else? Or plans to leave you and your kids for another woman? The whole point of marriage and family is stability, especially for the kids. A broken relationship where you are getting your needs met elsewhere makes that situation inherently unstable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

DP. You speak for yourself.

The point of marriage for me is building a family and raising children. And that is the core for me. I would love to have monogamy( I have it right now)now, but if my DH can keep up with the kind of father he is right now, I will definitely forgive infidelity.

That’s kind of like saying, the whole point of a business is making money. And as long as my business partner rakes it in, I don’t mind if he’s embezzling.

Personally I prefer to work with someone I trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.

As someone who has come *this* close to crossing the line (but did not), and also someone who is very much against cheating and deception, all I can say is that it can feel like a very bad drug trip. I never understood how people could commit suicide before I felt the pull to cheat. I had to write a cringe-worthy email to the other person asking them to help me not cross the line by creating distance. They did, thankfully, and I think it was a big relief to us both as we are both married. To this day, if they made a move, I am not sure I could stay faithful. I have had crushes that one can manage before, but sometimes, it's like an out-of-body experience. We don't talk about it nearly enough as a society. My spouse is absolutely amazing, btw, so this has nothing to do with me missing something in my marriage. It was also not a case of "rationalization." I never justified these thoughts or feelings by any means. All I thought is, if this happens, and my spouse finds out, I will deserve whatever is wrath comes my way. And I felt terrible. Thankfully, it is now in the past and nothing did happen. I just hope I never have the experience again.

I mean that people rationalize their "out of body experience" to their spouse on why they cheat. Not that they spend a lot of time contemplating it.

I had that with my spouse in spades for many years. Kids/work made the relationship more businesslike and the side piece was exciting, forbidden—but I never had that all encompassing thing I had with my wife. I could go weeks without contact and meeting up with AP and put it out of my mind, but when I first met my wife we couldn’t be apart at all—the attraction and pull was that deep. We spent hours on the phone and would fly thousands of miles for just 24 hours together and back, etc.

Not all infidelity is some all-consuming thing. Sometimes it really is just a way to escape, blow off steam for an hour.

So I’m curious if your wife knows about your cheating now? If you feel the way you do about her, why didn’t you consider her feelings on cheating and then decide to not cheat? How does your short term want overtake the long term hurt for the spouse if she finds out? I just never understood anyone who says I love/lives my wife but then ultimately cause this kind of pain.

It’s simple. I arrogantly thought I would never get caught so I never thought she’d get hurt. It’s so stupid looking back, but I had severe ability to compartmentalize that part of my life. I don’t anymore and I’m not that way anymore. I can see the mistakes I made and what caused me to make them. I did a lot of work. A lot of work. A lot of people don’t get another chance. Knowing what I know now, I’d never jeopardize it like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.

As someone who has come *this* close to crossing the line (but did not), and also someone who is very much against cheating and deception, all I can say is that it can feel like a very bad drug trip. I never understood how people could commit suicide before I felt the pull to cheat. I had to write a cringe-worthy email to the other person asking them to help me not cross the line by creating distance. They did, thankfully, and I think it was a big relief to us both as we are both married. To this day, if they made a move, I am not sure I could stay faithful. I have had crushes that one can manage before, but sometimes, it's like an out-of-body experience. We don't talk about it nearly enough as a society. My spouse is absolutely amazing, btw, so this has nothing to do with me missing something in my marriage. It was also not a case of "rationalization." I never justified these thoughts or feelings by any means. All I thought is, if this happens, and my spouse finds out, I will deserve whatever is wrath comes my way. And I felt terrible. Thankfully, it is now in the past and nothing did happen. I just hope I never have the experience again.

I mean that people rationalize their "out of body experience" to their spouse on why they cheat. Not that they spend a lot of time contemplating it.

I had that with my spouse in spades for many years. Kids/work made the relationship more businesslike and the side piece was exciting, forbidden—but I never had that all encompassing thing I had with my wife. I could go weeks without contact and meeting up with AP and put it out of my mind, but when I first met my wife we couldn’t be apart at all—the attraction and pull was that deep. We spent hours on the phone and would fly thousands of miles for just 24 hours together and back, etc.

Not all infidelity is some all-consuming thing. Sometimes it really is just a way to escape, blow off steam for an hour.

So I’m curious if your wife knows about your cheating now? If you feel the way you do about her, why didn’t you consider her feelings on cheating and then decide to not cheat? How does your short term want overtake the long term hurt for the spouse if she finds out? I just never understood anyone who says I love/lives my wife but then ultimately cause this kind of pain.

It’s simple. I arrogantly thought I would never get caught so I never thought she’d get hurt. It’s so stupid looking back, but I had severe ability to compartmentalize that part of my life. I don’t anymore and I’m not that way anymore. I can see the mistakes I made and what caused me to make them. I did a lot of work. A lot of work. A lot of people don’t get another chance. Knowing what I know now, I’d never jeopardize it like that.

No offense, but you sound as narcissistic now as you were then. Good luck to your wife, she got a real prize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people who "stay for the children" are really fooling themselves. Kids pick up on a lot, and they will sense that you may be living without love, living with grief, anger, tension, lack of trust etc. You are fooling no one. Secondly, the most important thing you can do when evaluating a relationship is to look ONLY at the relationship. That is, remove everything else that surrounds the relationship out of the equation (kids, finances etc). Look only at the quality of the relationship between those 2 people, and then make your decision.

At the base, we had a great love and a great friendship, great sex life too. We saw a future together, a shared vision. We look forward to empty nest and all the things we worked for together. We are excited about it. So, yes, stripping away everything else, we still want to be married and grow old together. A stupid mistake with somebody that meant absolutely nothing isn’t going to change the course of our marriage/future/family.

Most people address all of that. If I didn’t love my spouse and if I wasn’t happy and if I didn’t think they were sincere or had shown change, I’d not have stayed. And, I reserve the right to change my mind if it ever happened again. That would be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.

As someone who has come *this* close to crossing the line (but did not), and also someone who is very much against cheating and deception, all I can say is that it can feel like a very bad drug trip. I never understood how people could commit suicide before I felt the pull to cheat. I had to write a cringe-worthy email to the other person asking them to help me not cross the line by creating distance. They did, thankfully, and I think it was a big relief to us both as we are both married. To this day, if they made a move, I am not sure I could stay faithful. I have had crushes that one can manage before, but sometimes, it's like an out-of-body experience. We don't talk about it nearly enough as a society. My spouse is absolutely amazing, btw, so this has nothing to do with me missing something in my marriage. It was also not a case of "rationalization." I never justified these thoughts or feelings by any means. All I thought is, if this happens, and my spouse finds out, I will deserve whatever is wrath comes my way. And I felt terrible. Thankfully, it is now in the past and nothing did happen. I just hope I never have the experience again.

I mean that people rationalize their "out of body experience" to their spouse on why they cheat. Not that they spend a lot of time contemplating it.

I had that with my spouse in spades for many years. Kids/work made the relationship more businesslike and the side piece was exciting, forbidden—but I never had that all encompassing thing I had with my wife. I could go weeks without contact and meeting up with AP and put it out of my mind, but when I first met my wife we couldn’t be apart at all—the attraction and pull was that deep. We spent hours on the phone and would fly thousands of miles for just 24 hours together and back, etc.

Not all infidelity is some all-consuming thing. Sometimes it really is just a way to escape, blow off steam for an hour.

So I’m curious if your wife knows about your cheating now? If you feel the way you do about her, why didn’t you consider her feelings on cheating and then decide to not cheat? How does your short term want overtake the long term hurt for the spouse if she finds out? I just never understood anyone who says I love/lives my wife but then ultimately cause this kind of pain.

It’s simple. I arrogantly thought I would never get caught so I never thought she’d get hurt. It’s so stupid looking back, but I had severe ability to compartmentalize that part of my life. I don’t anymore and I’m not that way anymore. I can see the mistakes I made and what caused me to make them. I did a lot of work. A lot of work. A lot of people don’t get another chance. Knowing what I know now, I’d never jeopardize it like that.

No offense, but you sound as narcissistic now as you were then. Good luck to your wife, she got a real prize.

How so? I see my mistakes and I know “why”. I don’t think like that anymore. I’m merely responding to the question of what allowed me to take a stupid risk. I’m not that jaded midlife person. I check in with my therapist regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

DP. You speak for yourself.

The point of marriage for me is building a family and raising children. And that is the core for me. I would love to have monogamy( I have it right now)now, but if my DH can keep up with the kind of father he is right now, I will definitely forgive infidelity.

Kind of hard to build a family and raise children if your partner is investing time and energy with someone else. And what if he has kids with someone else? Or plans to leave you and your kids for another woman? The whole point of marriage and family is stability, especially for the kids. A broken relationship where you are getting your needs met elsewhere makes that situation inherently unstable.

Vasectomy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.

As someone who has come *this* close to crossing the line (but did not), and also someone who is very much against cheating and deception, all I can say is that it can feel like a very bad drug trip. I never understood how people could commit suicide before I felt the pull to cheat. I had to write a cringe-worthy email to the other person asking them to help me not cross the line by creating distance. They did, thankfully, and I think it was a big relief to us both as we are both married. To this day, if they made a move, I am not sure I could stay faithful. I have had crushes that one can manage before, but sometimes, it's like an out-of-body experience. We don't talk about it nearly enough as a society. My spouse is absolutely amazing, btw, so this has nothing to do with me missing something in my marriage. It was also not a case of "rationalization." I never justified these thoughts or feelings by any means. All I thought is, if this happens, and my spouse finds out, I will deserve whatever is wrath comes my way. And I felt terrible. Thankfully, it is now in the past and nothing did happen. I just hope I never have the experience again.

I mean that people rationalize their "out of body experience" to their spouse on why they cheat. Not that they spend a lot of time contemplating it.

I had that with my spouse in spades for many years. Kids/work made the relationship more businesslike and the side piece was exciting, forbidden—but I never had that all encompassing thing I had with my wife. I could go weeks without contact and meeting up with AP and put it out of my mind, but when I first met my wife we couldn’t be apart at all—the attraction and pull was that deep. We spent hours on the phone and would fly thousands of miles for just 24 hours together and back, etc.

Not all infidelity is some all-consuming thing. Sometimes it really is just a way to escape, blow off steam for an hour.

So I’m curious if your wife knows about your cheating now? If you feel the way you do about her, why didn’t you consider her feelings on cheating and then decide to not cheat? How does your short term want overtake the long term hurt for the spouse if she finds out? I just never understood anyone who says I love/lives my wife but then ultimately cause this kind of pain.

It’s simple. I arrogantly thought I would never get caught so I never thought she’d get hurt. It’s so stupid looking back, but I had severe ability to compartmentalize that part of my life. I don’t anymore and I’m not that way anymore. I can see the mistakes I made and what caused me to make them. I did a lot of work. A lot of work. A lot of people don’t get another chance. Knowing what I know now, I’d never jeopardize it like that.

No offense, but you sound as narcissistic now as you were then. Good luck to your wife, she got a real prize.

How so? I see my mistakes and I know “why”. I don’t think like that anymore. I’m merely responding to the question of what allowed me to take a stupid risk. I’m not that jaded midlife person. I check in with my therapist regularly.

DP. I think you sound honest and self-aware. I have not cheated but came so close and the only reason that held me back was the (I still think small) chance our spouses would have found out and gotten hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I was never an idealist who thought "this could never happen to me" so it wasn't a total shock that my attractive, wealthy DH strayed. It wasn't a deep profession of love long-term affair. It takes time to heal and I suppose I will never fully trust him but I would never fully trust any man. Men are men. The devil you know. And I am not giving up my house, full-time access to kids, financial stability because he filled some stupid urge with another woman.

+1
This is me but my husband could definitely earn more money. And he's actually not classically attractive. And he's a real jerk.

But I assume I will be cheated on by anyone/everyone. I'd be more shocked to find out I'd been in a long-term faithfully monogamous relationship.

This is really sad.
You're so jaded -- you have to know that there are GREAT men out there that would never contemplate cheating on you... you just married the wrong guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got a front room seat ot parents going through this when I was a child. My mom told me everything and it messed my sister and I up pretty well. If you don't plan on forgiving and forgetting please leave. Also don't drag the kids into it at all possible. My husband's parents had a clean break post infidelity and my husband and his sisters fared much better.

The same thing happened to me. My Dad cheated and my Mom chose to stay. She was embarrassed to confide in any of her girlfriends because she wanted everyone to think that she had the perfect, so I was the one who got to listen to all of her stories about my Dad, the intimate details of the cheating, their bedroom issues and how horrible her life was. I was 10 years old and it had a lasting impact on my life. I wish they had divorced and lived their own separate life. I will never understand why they did not divorce. They can't stand each other to this day and they are in their late 70's.

Good God, your mother has something wrong with her.... 10 years old???
A ten year old should barely know about sex, and they certainly shouldn't know about the inner workings of her parents marriage, sex life, affairs, etc.

Child psychologists have said that what your mother inflicted onto you is tantamount to child abuse... psychological child abuse.

An adult should never, EVER involve their children in adult situations... she should be ashamed of herself.
She was more concerned with what her friends thought & impressing them with a fake life, rather than the trauma that she was inflicting onto her child, by displaying such an unhealthy relationship for her to mimic through life... ugh.
That's sick.