If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

[Anonymous]

^^I think a closer analogy would be if a parent abused you. Insofar as one of the responsibilities of a parent is to care for and not hurt a child, for many people that would be a reason to not maintain a normal child-parent relationship with the obligations it entails (like caring for a parent in old age). For others it’s framed differently, maybe for cultural or religious reasons or just the nature of the relationship — abuse mixed with love.

I would personally find cheating to be very hard to overcome as the main role this person has in relationship to me is not defined by them feeding me and helping me survive but simply being faithful and loving me. I can’t square either of those with the selfishness and betrayal involved in infidelity — I’d feel like maybe I could pity and forgive them, in an impersonal way, but I could no longer respect or have true affection for them. Those feelings would be blocked by their huge character failing and not much could bring them back.

[Anonymous]

You can't compare it to a parent-child relationship. Perhaps you could compare it to betrayal of a best friend or business partner (which is pretty close to marriage if you think about how tied together your futures are), but with the added romantic love component that isn't really comparable to other types of relationships.

As for how to move on, realize we're all fallible humans who make mistakes, and some of us learn from them. Empathy, ironically enough, is what one would need, but also wisdom not to forgive someone who isn't actually learning, changing and growing.

That's the theory anyway. I have no idea if I'd be able to do it, but I'd probably give it an old college try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

+1. Hate her work. Privileges the abuser over the abused. Talks about “old marriage is dead, now you have a new marriage to negotiate” without empowering the victim to have power in renegotiation. Also does not deal with trauma issues in the victim at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd read Esther Perel's books as a start.

please don't. She's an affair apologist and implies the marriage or the BS, had something to do with it.

Many people believe that the marriage had something to do with the cheating. Yes, there are some men and women who will cheat no matter what and have no morals. But there are others who are absolutely cheating in response to a bad marriage and underlying problems. I know it’s hard to acknowledge this, but it’s the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's question is "if you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?", not "Should I forgive infidelity?" I would assume they are past the point of needing to repeatedly hear the clichéd and unhelpful "Once a cheater, always a cheater." We all make mistakes, some very serious. Should it be assumed that we will 100% repeat all our mistakes?

The problem is that this person allowed themselves to get to this level through their own rationalization. You could say the same thing about other bad behaviors. Once a stealer always a stealer or once a liar always a liar or once a physical abuser always a physical abuser. Basically it takes that person realizing that they crossed a line and realize that they themselves never want to cross that line again and because the spouse holds the cards to enabling this behavior or not they are stuck either living with someone and not holding them accountable or leaving with the likelihood that they won't return. As the victim they aren't a bystander who can hold the person accountable without major repercussions to the relationship and their life. Most of the time the cheater has rationalized the decision and feels guilty about causing the stress in the marriage but not about the act and so because they haven't rationalized the actual act as bad, it's likely to repeat.

As someone who has come *this* close to crossing the line (but did not), and also someone who is very much against cheating and deception, all I can say is that it can feel like a very bad drug trip. I never understood how people could commit suicide before I felt the pull to cheat. I had to write a cringe-worthy email to the other person asking them to help me not cross the line by creating distance. They did, thankfully, and I think it was a big relief to us both as we are both married. To this day, if they made a move, I am not sure I could stay faithful. I have had crushes that one can manage before, but sometimes, it's like an out-of-body experience. We don't talk about it nearly enough as a society. My spouse is absolutely amazing, btw, so this has nothing to do with me missing something in my marriage. It was also not a case of "rationalization." I never justified these thoughts or feelings by any means. All I thought is, if this happens, and my spouse finds out, I will deserve whatever is wrath comes my way. And I felt terrible. Thankfully, it is now in the past and nothing did happen. I just hope I never have the experience again.

I mean that people rationalize their "out of body experience" to their spouse on why they cheat. Not that they spend a lot of time contemplating it.

I had that with my spouse in spades for many years. Kids/work made the relationship more businesslike and the side piece was exciting, forbidden—but I never had that all encompassing thing I had with my wife. I could go weeks without contact and meeting up with AP and put it out of my mind, but when I first met my wife we couldn’t be apart at all—the attraction and pull was that deep. We spent hours on the phone and would fly thousands of miles for just 24 hours together and back, etc.

Not all infidelity is some all-consuming thing. Sometimes it really is just a way to escape, blow off steam for an hour.

So I’m curious if your wife knows about your cheating now? If you feel the way you do about her, why didn’t you consider her feelings on cheating and then decide to not cheat? How does your short term want overtake the long term hurt for the spouse if she finds out? I just never understood anyone who says I love/lives my wife but then ultimately cause this kind of pain.

It’s simple. I arrogantly thought I would never get caught so I never thought she’d get hurt. It’s so stupid looking back, but I had severe ability to compartmentalize that part of my life. I don’t anymore and I’m not that way anymore. I can see the mistakes I made and what caused me to make them. I did a lot of work. A lot of work. A lot of people don’t get another chance. Knowing what I know now, I’d never jeopardize it like that.

No offense, but you sound as narcissistic now as you were then. Good luck to your wife, she got a real prize.

How so? I see my mistakes and I know “why”. I don’t think like that anymore. I’m merely responding to the question of what allowed me to take a stupid risk. I’m not that jaded midlife person. I check in with my therapist regularly.

DP. Because your post is all about you - just like any narcissist, you seem to have no idea about the pain you caused your wife or are perhaps still causing.

Try again and write a post about how your wife felt/feels and what amends you made to HER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

The whole “when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on” shifts the blame of the infidelity from the perpetrator to the victim. The breaking of the relationship becomes the fault of the victim for being unable to forgive instead of the fault of the perpetrator for breaking a promise of monogamy.

Infidelity, particularly repeated infidelity is a serious form of emotional abuse. It involves lying and manipulation. It is a betrayal that breaks the trust that is the foundation of any intimate relationship. It often creates a kind of long term PTSD.

I really loved my DH before I found out about his infidelity. I really loved him afterwards. But, I recognized that his behavior was unsafe and unhealthy for me. I also realized that I deserved better than to be tied for life to someone who lied and manipulated me like that.

Love is not some uncontrollable force. I chose to fall out of love with him. I ended my relationship with him. I stopped seeing him as much and stopped investing my time, energy and thoughts about him.

TBH, I felt a huge sense of relief the day I kicked him out of the house, and that sense of peace and healthiness only grew the more distance I put between us.

I would no more use live to justify staying with a cheater than I would use love to stay with someone who hit me. I have been in both situations. They are the same except the hitter leaves a mark that society can see. The cheater leaves a mark as well - you just can’t see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

Stop with the analogies. A child who commits murder isn’t committing an offense against the parent. It isn’t about live trumping the infraction.

Marriage is an intimate relationship which requires trust between two partners. When one person has broken that trust in such a serious way, the other person is not obligated to continue the relationship just because of live. Love does not require self-subjugation to abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

The whole “when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on” shifts the blame of the infidelity from the perpetrator to the victim. The breaking of the relationship becomes the fault of the victim for being unable to forgive instead of the fault of the perpetrator for breaking a promise of monogamy.

Infidelity, particularly repeated infidelity is a serious form of emotional abuse. It involves lying and manipulation. It is a betrayal that breaks the trust that is the foundation of any intimate relationship. It often creates a kind of long term PTSD.

I really loved my DH before I found out about his infidelity. I really loved him afterwards. But, I recognized that his behavior was unsafe and unhealthy for me. I also realized that I deserved better than to be tied for life to someone who lied and manipulated me like that.

Love is not some uncontrollable force. I chose to fall out of love with him. I ended my relationship with him. I stopped seeing him as much and stopped investing my time, energy and thoughts about him.

TBH, I felt a huge sense of relief the day I kicked him out of the house, and that sense of peace and healthiness only grew the more distance I put between us.

I would no more use live to justify staying with a cheater than I would use love to stay with someone who hit me. I have been in both situations. They are the same except the hitter leaves a mark that society can see. The cheater leaves a mark as well - you just can’t see it.

This is wild. Your reaction seems so extreme to me. There is so much more to marriage than just sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

Stop with the analogies. A child who commits murder isn’t committing an offense against the parent. It isn’t about live trumping the infraction.

Marriage is an intimate relationship which requires trust between two partners. When one person has broken that trust in such a serious way, the other person is not obligated to continue the relationship just because of live. Love does not require self-subjugation to abuse.

I assume this means any and all trust, right? Or does only sex count in your mind? There are plenty of ways to let down your spouse and lose trust. Perhaps your spouse experiences job loss and you no longer trust them to contribute to finances. Maybe your spouse isn’t a good parent. Maybe your spouse doesn’t handle the in-laws well. I could go on…. Just seems strange to only focus on sex and fidelity as requiring trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

DP. You speak for yourself.

The point of marriage for me is building a family and raising children. And that is the core for me. I would love to have monogamy( I have it right now)now, but if my DH can keep up with the kind of father he is right now, I will definitely forgive infidelity.

That’s kind of like saying, the whole point of a business is making money. And as long as my business partner rakes it in, I don’t mind if he’s embezzling.

Personally I prefer to work with someone I trust.

It's not that I wouldn't mind. I too prefer to never have to deal with cheating, fingers crossed. However I dslike the impacts of divorce even more than i dislike the impact of staying with a cheater.

We are agreeing that cheating is a horrible thing to happen to a relationship.

However if there was a chance that my husband could be close to the same father that he is now( I don't know if that is possible), I will stay. I will trust him less, but I will stay. I am arguing that it is much more complicated for me than simply: " you cheat, we divorce". I have to consider hiw much worse off my children would be in either scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

Stop with the analogies. A child who commits murder isn’t committing an offense against the parent. It isn’t about live trumping the infraction.

Marriage is an intimate relationship which requires trust between two partners. When one person has broken that trust in such a serious way, the other person is not obligated to continue the relationship just because of live. Love does not require self-subjugation to abuse.

I assume this means any and all trust, right? Or does only sex count in your mind? There are plenty of ways to let down your spouse and lose trust. Perhaps your spouse experiences job loss and you no longer trust them to contribute to finances. Maybe your spouse isn’t a good parent. Maybe your spouse doesn’t handle the in-laws well. I could go on…. Just seems strange to only focus on sex and fidelity as requiring trust.

This. I have friends married to spouses who have never cheating but they have broken some trust in the marriage in many other ways ( verbally abusive, financially irresponsible, gambling etc).

In the last few months, I myself have gambled and lost 10k in the stock market without my DH's consent( we check in with each other for any expense above 3k and I did not check in because I was so sure that I will put it back into my checking in no time). I broke his trust there.

Should these lead straight to divorce as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

DP. You speak for yourself.

The point of marriage for me is building a family and raising children. And that is the core for me. I would love to have monogamy( I have it right now)now, but if my DH can keep up with the kind of father he is right now, I will definitely forgive infidelity.

Kind of hard to build a family and raise children if your partner is investing time and energy with someone else. And what if he has kids with someone else? Or plans to leave you and your kids for another woman? The whole point of marriage and family is stability, especially for the kids. A broken relationship where you are getting your needs met elsewhere makes that situation inherently unstable.

. If he has kids with someone else, I am out. I think you and I agree on most of the points you are making. But I would consider the pros and cons before I make the decision on whether to stay or leave. It's not automatic " leave" for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

Stop with the analogies. A child who commits murder isn’t committing an offense against the parent. It isn’t about live trumping the infraction.

Marriage is an intimate relationship which requires trust between two partners. When one person has broken that trust in such a serious way, the other person is not obligated to continue the relationship just because of live. Love does not require self-subjugation to abuse.

I assume this means any and all trust, right? Or does only sex count in your mind? There are plenty of ways to let down your spouse and lose trust. Perhaps your spouse experiences job loss and you no longer trust them to contribute to finances. Maybe your spouse isn’t a good parent. Maybe your spouse doesn’t handle the in-laws well. I could go on…. Just seems strange to only focus on sex and fidelity as requiring trust.

This. I have friends married to spouses who have never cheating but they have broken some trust in the marriage in many other ways ( verbally abusive, financially irresponsible, gambling etc).

In the last few months, I myself have gambled and lost 10k in the stock market without my DH's consent( we check in with each other for any expense above 3k and I did not check in because I was so sure that I will put it back into my checking in no time). I broke his trust there.

Should these lead straight to divorce as well?

I have friends unhappy in absolutely miserable marriages and/or they only complain and don't even like their husbands much anymore and there is no cheating (from them or that they know about from him). They fantasize about divorce at empty nest.

And, I have friends who had what appeared to be a lot of love and happy marriages that got rocked by an affair in midlife. It was a hard road for the ones that stayed together, but a lot of listening and a lot of therapy and work and they are thriving. They appear to be happier than the 'status quo' marriages and definitely the ones that were miserable. I think if there was a lot of love and goodness there and it's ripped apart---but then a lot of therapy is done which fixes whatever ways of communicating or a personal trauma in the cheater or betrayed (a lot of this is circumstantial midlife stuff--terminal illness or a parent, death of a close friend, unaddressed trauma/bad parental role models, etc., etc. which isn't dealt with in a healthy way and comes to a head in their 40s/50s) these people that had a boatload of chemistry and were compatible can come out stronger.

Of course, there was one where the spouse was a narcissistic jerk that was never going to change and didn't care about the fallout or his family/my friend.

Life is funny. You never know what is in store 10, 15, 20, etc., years down the road. It also changes some of your 'stark' views of what you would do since when you made those proclamations you weren't in the same stage/age/circumstances or had the wisdom and life experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your beloved puppy drags diarrhea all across the rug, you clean it up and still love him. It's like that. Sometimes the love is greater than the infraction.

You just compared cheating to diarrhea. And your partner to a dog.

The point of marriage is that you commit to honesty, fidelity, monogamy. That’s the whole point. If you can’t hack it then don’t stay married. And honestly, if someone can’t hack it then what they’ve messed up is not a contingent part of the relationship but the core of it. Very hard to come back and build a true love after that.

Me thinks you don't understand analogies.

Making messes in the house is natural and to be expected for a pet.
Sleeping with another person and lying about it is a choice and a massive betrayal for a spouse.

Stop being dense.

Duh, cheating is betrayal.

Anyway, because you clearly are unable to synthesize an analogy, the point is when you really love someone, you can forgive them and really move on. Or, if you can't, you can't. Complaining won't get anybody anywhere.

I’m a different poster and I agree it was a dumb analogy. There’s only one person in this world who can fairly compare crapping in the house with cheating, and that’s Johnny Depp.

A better one would be if your kid murdered someone. Does your love trump the infraction? For some yes, others no.

Stop with the analogies. A child who commits murder isn’t committing an offense against the parent. It isn’t about live trumping the infraction.

Marriage is an intimate relationship which requires trust between two partners. When one person has broken that trust in such a serious way, the other person is not obligated to continue the relationship just because of live. Love does not require self-subjugation to abuse.

I assume this means any and all trust, right? Or does only sex count in your mind? There are plenty of ways to let down your spouse and lose trust. Perhaps your spouse experiences job loss and you no longer trust them to contribute to finances. Maybe your spouse isn’t a good parent. Maybe your spouse doesn’t handle the in-laws well. I could go on…. Just seems strange to only focus on sex and fidelity as requiring trust.

This. I have friends married to spouses who have never cheating but they have broken some trust in the marriage in many other ways ( verbally abusive, financially irresponsible, gambling etc).

In the last few months, I myself have gambled and lost 10k in the stock market without my DH's consent( we check in with each other for any expense above 3k and I did not check in because I was so sure that I will put it back into my checking in no time). I broke his trust there.

Should these lead straight to divorce as well?

I’m not of the “automatic divorce” persuasion but a) I would think a divorce was more than justified in your situation and b) the PP’s examples of job loss and not handling in-laws well aren’t the best comparisons to an affair. An affair (likely) involved your deepest most vulnerabilities: sex, emotionally intimacy, your body, etc. For a lot of people it might, depending on the situation, go to the very core of who they are. So I don’t think it’s just a matter of trust. It’s a matter of trusting somebody with the most vulnerable parts of your being. Sounds dramatic, but an affair literally is dramatic.