Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders

[Anonymous]

My DH, bless his heart agrees to help out with a variety of things around the house.
PIcking up milk, put gas in the car, water the plants etc etc but NEVER actually does any of it unless i remind him at the very least 3-4 times. I don't nag but something like:
M: "Did you put gas in the car?"
DH: Oh, not yet
M: "Did you still want to or i will, i need it tomorrow"
DH: I will do it after supper
M: (after cooking supper and eating, getting ready for bed): Don't forget to get gas in the car
DH: Oh, i will do it first thing in the am, it is too late
M: (in teh am) DId you get gas
DH: Oh, going to do it now


I HATE having ask if something has been done. Why can't something just get done.
He notices nothing. If he uses all of the milk he won't put it on the list or make sure we have more. He will just wait for it to magically appear or for me to ask if he will go get it. Same goes for everything. He doesn't get crabby if i ask or remind but i have just been doing things myself without even confering with him. Then he is like "Why didn't you ask me, i would have done it". I have explained to him that i can't count on him to do things iwhtout reminders and he says he is just forgetful and not to 'punish' him for it. By "punish' he means not ask for his help.


Is my spouse the only one like this? Anyone have luck at fixing it. I want a partnership with someone I can count on.

[Anonymous]

Mine will rarely not need a nudge. And a list.

[Anonymous]

Well, let's see. We have lived in our house for 15 years and one of DH's jobs is to take out the trash. Trash day was today and currently, the smell of a he overflowing trash can sitting in our garage is creeping into our house. So no.

[Anonymous]

nope. he's my 3rd child.

[Anonymous]

Yes, and it is one of the reasons I married him. We each have our assignments, designed for minimal reliance on the other person. Consider "separating your lanes" a bit so you need less coordination. He is responsible for the car, and for all grocery, cooking, and kitchen cleanup. And I never, ever step in unless he asks. So i have not chosen my own dinner in 8 years. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Yes. DH always keeps his word and does what he says without reminders. Not sure if its because of the military or not, but he is also very organized and on time for everything.

[Anonymous]

He will *eventually* do it.

"Hey hon, can you unload the dishwasher for me, prego belly makes it hard to bend over."
"Yup"
An hour later, I unload the dishwasher, and he gets upset that I did, because he "didn't know there was a deadline for the task"

To be fair, I need to be better at communicating...

[Anonymous]

Not a single thing.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I married someone who served in the Marines for two decades, has an engineering doctorate, and is now a teacher. He’s really big on getting things done correctly, not procrastinating, and not making excuses. There’s no way I’d have to ask him about gas, let alone give reminders.

[Anonymous]

No but he and his family have a family tree of autism.
Didn’t notice as much when life was so simple with his 5 shirts, apartment, eat/work/watch tv. Now it’s a slap in the face to me and kids all day long.

[Anonymous]

Nope, and it's like having another child. All the mental work is mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH, bless his heart agrees to help out with a variety of things around the house.
PIcking up milk, put gas in the car, water the plants etc etc but NEVER actually does any of it unless i remind him at the very least 3-4 times. I don't nag but something like:
M: "Did you put gas in the car?"
DH: Oh, not yet
M: "Did you still want to or i will, i need it tomorrow"
DH: I will do it after supper
M: (after cooking supper and eating, getting ready for bed): Don't forget to get gas in the car
DH: Oh, i will do it first thing in the am, it is too late
M: (in teh am) DId you get gas
DH: Oh, going to do it now


I HATE having ask if something has been done. Why can't something just get done.
He notices nothing. If he uses all of the milk he won't put it on the list or make sure we have more. He will just wait for it to magically appear or for me to ask if he will go get it. Same goes for everything. He doesn't get crabby if i ask or remind but i have just been doing things myself without even confering with him. Then he is like "Why didn't you ask me, i would have done it". I have explained to him that i can't count on him to do things iwhtout reminders and he says he is just forgetful and not to 'punish' him for it. By "punish' he means not ask for his help.


Is my spouse the only one like this? Anyone have luck at fixing it. I want a partnership with someone I can count on.

Get executive functioning skills coaching for him ASAP and verbal communication therapy for you both. Mention all of these patterns up front, they should know what can work for someone like him. He needs to be open and do it.

[Anonymous]

List or sticky notes. Remind him when he asks you for something, and if you agree to do it, IT GETS DONE! Does he want to start reminding you 6 times for a simple task? What goes around comes around.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I could handle be married to someone like that. My DH is not perfect (and he's not military), but he does his share without constant reminding. Mostly, I think it's just that he was on his own for a long time, so he just learned how to be an independent adult. But, it's possible that my refusal to nag--even when it means shit does not get done--has helped. I'm sorry, OP--that sounds really shitty.

[Anonymous]

People with significant ADHD cannot do all the things normal people do without reminders or forgetting things.

So no, my husband with untreated ADHD needs reminders and still forgets key items.

Like filing taxes or paying the water bill on time.