Does you spouse do things without being told or without reminders

[Anonymous]

Yes my husband does things without asking. We both take care of the household, if the bin needs to go out whoever notices will take it. If the car needs gas whoever is driving will fill it. He does the mopping, I do the vacuuming. We both keep the kitchen clean, share cooking, share yard work etc.

I have friends whose husbands love to cook so they always cook and most people I know share the workload between each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with significant ADHD cannot do all the things normal people do without reminders or forgetting things.

So no, my husband with untreated ADHD needs reminders and still forgets key items.

Like filing taxes or paying the water bill on time.

I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult), am unmedicated, yet the responsibility falls to me to get things done because if I don't then no one will. I'm tired tired tired of having ALL of the stuff on MY shoulders because there is no one else to pick up the slack. I have no choice so I do it.

My husband is an excellent provider but I would love to be able to depend on him for ANYTHING other than earning a living.

I found the package of toilet paper I asked him pick up on the way home on the floor in the garage days later. When I asked him about it, he said he was in a rush and just put it there "for now" and was going to get it "later". He always gets annoyed if I mention anything, as if it's normal to drop a package of toilet paper on the garage floor and leave it there and I'm just being a nag. And to be clear, this is everything. He has never planned a vacation, initiated an outing, paid a bill, etc.

So someone with ADHD CAN do these things. If they have to.

A paycheck is not a provider. Just call him a paycheck. And if he is a messy, snobby, rude paycheck, call him that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nope. he's my 3rd child.

Oh God mine is my third child too! It is really not fair to my biological children though. They can load the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Yes, there are tasks he is responsible for and I am not clear about the logistics (certain kids activities) so I won’t even be able to remind him at all

[Anonymous]

There was a thread about spouses and expectations a few years ago which really helped me change my marriage. I said "spouses", but it was really all about husbands.

Basically, it's do the things that are important to you and drop any expectation that your partner will do anything you ask. He will only do the things that are important to him. Men already act this way, so it was just aligning my expectations with his.

I value kids' extracurricular activities, so I research, pay & shuttle kids to their sports & activities. DH wanted our teen to see a tutor for a subject and I didn't really care, so he booked the tutor, took him to the lessons and arranged payment. I didn't lift a finger to facilitate this.

DH likes a clean house - sometimes. Sometimes he can live with low-level filth for weeks on end. He may have a burst of energy and clean the whole place top to bottom. His cleaning schedule doesn't align with mine. So I do what's important to me when I want it done. No arbitrary schedules of what needs to be clean on which days. We both recognize that we need to have the house clean for certain events, houseguests, etc. But, day to day chore wars have ceased because I dropped the rope.

Here's how I would have approached the Toilet Paper Incident that PP described. If we were down to 0 rolls of TP, I would have gotten a single roll out of the package and taken it into the bathroom. If I really wanted that package put away the way I like, I would have done it myself with no resentment. If I didn't care that the TP sat there for another week (or 2), I would have left it for him to deal with.

I pay all the bills and plan all the trips. This is because I get a certain satisfaction and sense of pride in having the money to take care of myself & our family. I also enjoy taking trips. I do it for myself and enjoy them immensely. I plan the agenda (with some input from the family) but I get all the credit and 100% of the enjoyment. No regrets on owning these areas of our lives. Do I wish he'd plan an outing? Maybe I used to, but now I'm glad that he earns the money for me to spend on what makes me happy. And honestly, he's very appreciative of my bill paying & trip planning.

[Anonymous]

Yes for daily household tasks - thou he has gotten better with some training. His mom was the typically 50s wife who did all the household chores.

No for yard, car and paper/bills tasks. And he is the fun dad, endless entertainment with the kids.


It's not 50-50, but he does carry his weight.

[Anonymous]

Is this some weird, I am a woman so I shouldn't have to put gas in the car that I need tomorrow? If so, team DH, put your own danged gas in the car. This sounds like a BS European women(I am one) like to do.

[Anonymous]

My husband needs no reminders. He knows how to get things done and makes his own lists. Not a manchild..yuck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:nope. he's my 3rd child.

Oh God mine is my third child too! It is really not fair to my biological children though. They can load the dishwasher.

Same here. At least the real children are learning and growing. Spouse does not.

[Anonymous]

My husband has some basic things he always does with out reminders like doing the laundry, taking out the garbage and recyclables, emptying the dishwasher, servicing his needy wife. I pay the bills and he manages all of our investments. I’d love for him to do more but he makes me very happy so I’m not going to be a nag.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one that thinks it’s odd to make a special trip to put gas in the car? Don’t you either fill up the next time you go out or on your way home, if gas is running low?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Awesome house husband and partner.

[Anonymous]

Honestly it depends. If he feels like something is his job and he owns it completely he will do proactively and sometimes without me even noticing. For example all things car related are his. He puts gas in both of our cars, keeps them clean and serviced, makes sure all records are up to date, etc. Weekend cooking is his, I do the grocery shopping, but he makes sure I know if he needs special ingredients for something.
Because I do the grocery shopping, he views that as mine so if he needs to go to the grocery store for anything he acts like he is doing it for me, so I need to provide explicit details What brand/size/color beans. Even though he knows I need beans for tacos and he uses beans for stuff he cooks all the time, it is too much for him to use commons sense to pick the right beans. It is the most ridiculous thing, but also kind of hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Not my husband or my problem anymore.