Mentoring a child who’s mother is clueless!!!

[Anonymous]

I entered a program and have been mentoring a little girl for the past 5 yrs who’s now 14. The children are usually from broken homes and not in the best circumstances. The girls mother and I get along really well. She basically has given me carte blanche with her daughter. Her maternal grandfather has moved in with them who I love. He cooks, cleans handyman work etc. Well a few weeks ago I find out that the moms adoptive brother, who was adopted by her mom and stepdad as an infant when she was 13, who is now 31, was traveling down to move in with them. She hasn’t seen him in yrs. Ok now my issue. He’s recently released from prison after 6 yrs for attempted murder. He’s got drug and domestic charges and has an active warrant from where he’s from . But it’s just for failure to appear so means nothing. Meanwhile mom is now staying at her new bfs place 3 to 4 nights a week. Leaving her father and daughter alone with this brother. The father and “brother” are now at each other’s throats too because he’s eating them out of house and home and stealing his cigs. I’m just beside myself and cannot comprehend her moms mindset and how she cannot see this as a extremely dangerous situation for her beautiful daughter! And yes she knows how I feel. Am I being overprotective?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I entered a program and have been mentoring a little girl for the past 5 yrs who’s now 14. The children are usually from broken homes and not in the best circumstances. The girls mother and I get along really well. She basically has given me carte blanche with her daughter. Her maternal grandfather has moved in with them who I love. He cooks, cleans handyman work etc. Well a few weeks ago I find out that the moms adoptive brother, who was adopted by her mom and stepdad as an infant when she was 13, who is now 31, was traveling down to move in with them. She hasn’t seen him in yrs. Ok now my issue. He’s recently released from prison after 6 yrs for attempted murder. He’s got drug and domestic charges and has an active warrant from where he’s from . But it’s just for failure to appear so means nothing. Meanwhile mom is now staying at her new bfs place 3 to 4 nights a week. Leaving her father and daughter alone with this brother. The father and “brother” are now at each other’s throats too because he’s eating them out of house and home and stealing his cigs. I’m just beside myself and cannot comprehend her moms mindset and how she cannot see this as a extremely dangerous situation for her beautiful daughter! And yes she knows how I feel. Am I being overprotective?

OMG. That poor child. Thank God for your intervention, OP. You sound like the only sane person in her life.

Frankly, I would call CPS, or at least report this to the agency through which you met her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I entered a program and have been mentoring a little girl for the past 5 yrs who’s now 14. The children are usually from broken homes and not in the best circumstances. The girls mother and I get along really well. She basically has given me carte blanche with her daughter. Her maternal grandfather has moved in with them who I love. He cooks, cleans handyman work etc. Well a few weeks ago I find out that the moms adoptive brother, who was adopted by her mom and stepdad as an infant when she was 13, who is now 31, was traveling down to move in with them. She hasn’t seen him in yrs. Ok now my issue. He’s recently released from prison after 6 yrs for attempted murder. He’s got drug and domestic charges and has an active warrant from where he’s from . But it’s just for failure to appear so means nothing. Meanwhile mom is now staying at her new bfs place 3 to 4 nights a week. Leaving her father and daughter alone with this brother. The father and “brother” are now at each other’s throats too because he’s eating them out of house and home and stealing his cigs. I’m just beside myself and cannot comprehend her moms mindset and how she cannot see this as a extremely dangerous situation for her beautiful daughter! And yes she knows how I feel. Am I being overprotective?

OMG. That poor child. Thank God for your intervention, OP. You sound like the only sane person in her life.

Frankly, I would call CPS, or at least report this to the agency through which you met her.

Trust me I’ve thought of doing something legal but not sure if they would do anything since he is her adoptive brother. And the fact that her grandfather is living there would probably keep the mom from getting in trouble. Even though I know he’s sleeping by 9! Ugh

[Anonymous]

Has the girl complained? Does she feel in danger?

[Anonymous]

If he was adopted, he's the brother or uncle, not the "brother." That said, it's difficult, but this is not your child and not your life. They aren't going ot raise this child the way you would (or they wouldn't need the program). Look for ways you can help, try to bite your tongue in the absence of danger to the child (you have actually not said anything that poses a danger to this child), or get out of their lives.

[Anonymous]

What is the abuse or neglect of the child that you will report?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has the girl complained? Does she feel in danger?

I have her one night a week and I try getting info from her but she’s very protective of her mom. But the grandfather tells me everything! He told me today that she told him this “brother” was knocking on her bedroom door late the other night. She said she pretended to be asleep. She said it was about midnight but she wasn’t sure. FYI the grandfather can be just as naive as his daughter! Anytime I mention he could possibly try something inappropriate with his granddaughter he poopoos me off. “Oh he would never do anything like that”..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has the girl complained? Does she feel in danger?

I have her one night a week and I try getting info from her but she’s very protective of her mom. But the grandfather tells me everything! He told me today that she told him this “brother” was knocking on her bedroom door late the other night. She said she pretended to be asleep. She said it was about midnight but she wasn’t sure. FYI the grandfather can be just as naive as his daughter! Anytime I mention he could possibly try something inappropriate with his granddaughter he poopoos me off. “Oh he would never do anything like that”..

Why do you think that? Nothing you’ve said suggests that. Believe me, I know that molestation often happens from family members but you haven’t offered any evidence of that.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is obviously a very dysfunctional situation. The mother is not only clueless, but she has the morals of an alley cat and the judgment of a brick. Sorry, but let's cut to the chase - you know that as well as we do.

The grandfather sounds lovely, but either too naive, too old or just too unwilling to get involved to really protect this child.

Is the girl in school and doing well there? Does she have friends, hobbies, activities, a church? Anything (besides you) that suggests she may have a way out of this lifestyle?

I don't know how much more you can do, besides what you're doing. It's wonderful that she stays with you one night a week and I hope you will continue to build up this friendship. She's going to need it in the years ahead.

[Anonymous]

Why do you keep putting the word brother in quotation marks? He was adopted as an infant. How can you work in a program that deals with family issues and still see him as the mother's "brother"? You lose all credibility and I hope you get out of this family's life. You suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he was adopted, he's the brother or uncle, not the "brother." That said, it's difficult, but this is not your child and not your life. They aren't going ot raise this child the way you would (or they wouldn't need the program). Look for ways you can help, try to bite your tongue in the absence of danger to the child (you have actually not said anything that poses a danger to this child), or get out of their lives.

Yes her uncle that she’s never met. I know I know she’s not my child. But I do feel there is imminent danger as he gets more comfortable and given the alone time he has with her. The grandfather is not there all the time. What are the chances something inappropriate will happen? She’s a beautiful little girl wearing little shorts all the time. Just saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was adopted, he's the brother or uncle, not the "brother." That said, it's difficult, but this is not your child and not your life. They aren't going ot raise this child the way you would (or they wouldn't need the program). Look for ways you can help, try to bite your tongue in the absence of danger to the child (you have actually not said anything that poses a danger to this child), or get out of their lives.

Yes her uncle that she’s never met. I know I know she’s not my child. But I do feel there is imminent danger as he gets more comfortable and given the alone time he has with her. The grandfather is not there all the time. What are the chances something inappropriate will happen? She’s a beautiful little girl wearing little shorts all the time. Just saying.

Um... did you start mentoring kids because you were abused as a child? Because your fears are not standard.

[Anonymous]

Didn't you get training in non-judgmental interactions before volunteering? Your conversations are not at all appropriate. I'm also surprised that letting the girl sleep over is allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you keep putting the word brother in quotation marks? He was adopted as an infant. How can you work in a program that deals with family issues and still see him as the mother's "brother"? You lose all credibility and I hope you get out of this family's life. You suck.

You are right! Blood uncle or adoptive uncle, it doesn’t matter. I know damn well I would never have let a felon move in with me and a “daughter”. Not even with a son!

[Anonymous]

I think you need to explicit with both mother and grandfather, and request they be more observant and watchful. Use the real words.

You should also be more explicit with your young charge and tell her what this man should not be doing: entering her room without permission, touching her in any way, or making her feel like an object. She should be aware of grooming behavior as well. Impress upon her that she can tell you if anything makes her uncomfortable, and that her mother and grandfather will not in any way be in trouble.

That being said, just because this man is a criminal doesn't mean he's a sexual predator!!!