Logistics of 3 kids 9y age gap

[Anonymous]

We have two children, with a 6yr age gap. The youngest is 2yo the oldest is 8yo. It’s been pretty smooth sailing. The oldest enjoys being a big sister, and the younger adores her big sister. I feel like we have avoided typical sibling rivalry so far because of the age gap. Thinking about a third and definitely final child. I worry about it becoming more of a burden on my oldest. That as someone who had all the benefits of being a singleton for the first 6yrs is she really going to be ok in the long run with two younger siblings to share attention with?

On the other hand, she’s older every day and off in her own world and friends and still actively asks for another sibling even when I try to talk with her about the amount of increased work it would be on her parents and so less time and attention for her.

I feel like it is much more common for families of three with a gap to have had two kids close together and then a “bonus” kid 4-5 years later...

[Anonymous]

I have the two kids close together and the “bonus kid” came 6 years later. The older two always see the younger child as a pest or a chore to play with. I feel like in your situation, the younger two will play well together & the older one will not want all the attention and sibling play when she becomes a tween.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I think that is actually ok. It seems likely that she will be on her way to her own life before her younger sibling anyway. Though I feel like there is a chance without a third rooting the younger one to a pairing, she will have a stronger bond with the older sister. Who knows. I know so many people advocate on here about how kids will have the relationship they have...I just still worry about them and what is for the best.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't over think it. Personalities and gender (am I allowed to say that?) will have the most impact. Just -- when they are all older, you must insist that they are all equal adults. Big sister doesn't get to boss the others!

[Anonymous]

OP - I have three with the big gap first (which is really uncommon!) and also two girls to start, then a boy. Mine are now 8, 3 and 1, so it's early days, but it works for us. It does have the impact of shifting the gravity of your family toward the "littles" and my oldest is often doing things with her friends' families because they have only older kids. But we also carve out time with her after they're in bed, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids with an 8 year gap and a little more evenly spaced out than yours. Most of the time the older two are always together, and the oldest has a lot of influence on the middle child. It is only recently that the younger two have started playing more. Before there was just the baby they needed to keep an eye on or be careful around, but now all three play together, and the younger two often are together, but the oldest is entering tweenhood, so I think it's okay.

I've seen lots of sibling arrangements with these sorts of gaps and the relationships go through phases, some closer than others. By adulthood, they all seem to make an effort to talk to each other and stay connected.

[Anonymous]

We have 13, 9, and 4, and they get along pretty well. The older two have started to fight more, and sometimes the “middle” child resents the youngest taking her spot, but during pandemic the oldest have all stepped up to help care for the preschooler and generally a trio seems big enough to have group fun rather than just a pair.

[Anonymous]

I have four. To give you an idea of their spacing, at one point they were 12, 9, 3, newborn.

The 12 yr old has never felt like having three little sisters is a burden. When the 3 yr old was born we hired a nanny for 2-7pm. I wanted the after-school/evening hours with my older kids. I could spend the mornings with the babies. The nanny did all the kids laundry, and would prep dinner, sometimes drive the older kids around after school but mostly stay with the babies while I did that.

We pushed the narrative that your siblings are your best friends for life. When 12 went off to college, he was so excited when he found out there was a Siblings Weekend, and begged for the two middle girls to come stay with him for it. The little kids loved that sometimes after school they would all FaceTime the older one, and they'd all do homework "together". My oldest is now 27, and they are still close, and I am still impressed with how they consistently reach out to each other and maintain their relationships. When two get in a fight, the other two are always right there to say "She is your BEST FRIEND! Find a way to work it out."

Two things:
1. The little ones were never the responsibility of the older ones unless the older ones wanted it. If I asked the older ones to babysit, it was paid babysitting, and they were allowed to say no.
2. Despite pushing them to be best friends, when the little ones were little and in their destructive stage, I made very sure to let the older ones have time with their friends without the little ones annoying them. I'd bring the babies over to say hi and be cute and get to be fawned over by the big kids, and then I'd take them away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two children, with a 6yr age gap. The youngest is 2yo the oldest is 8yo. It’s been pretty smooth sailing. The oldest enjoys being a big sister, and the younger adores her big sister. I feel like we have avoided typical sibling rivalry so far because of the age gap. Thinking about a third and definitely final child. I worry about it becoming more of a burden on my oldest. That as someone who had all the benefits of being a singleton for the first 6yrs is she really going to be ok in the long run with two younger siblings to share attention with?

On the other hand, she’s older every day and off in her own world and friends and still actively asks for another sibling even when I try to talk with her about the amount of increased work it would be on her parents and so less time and attention for her.

I feel like it is much more common for families of three with a gap to have had two kids close together and then a “bonus” kid 4-5 years later...

I have three kids (now 14, 18, and 22). They were each 4 grades apart so they were never in high school or middle school together. I'm glad for that because they got to have their own identities. They never were in the same friend groups obviously, and I suspect there would've been drama if they were. I know people with kids who are in the same grade or one grade apart in which one sibling didn't get invited to the same things as the other sibling, which fostered resentment. Because of the age gap, my kids never had to compete with each other for a spot on a sports team. Middle kid went to different high school than the other two so no "you're XYZ's sibling! She was amazing!". The younger two learned from the oldest's mistakes.

[Anonymous]

OP here, these stories are so heartwarming, thank you. This actually helps a lot with the remaining anxiety that has been keeping us on the fence.