Not sure I should continue with this friendship but it's complicated

[Anonymous]

We have a family that we were pretty friendly with. 2 of my kids are good friends with 2 of their kids. They are all teenagers.

Since the lockdown, we have not seen them, except the older kids have gotten together in a parking lot and talked a few times, maintaining plenty of distance. The problem lies in the fact that the lockdown has brought out some issues that were really there before, but have been highlighted lately. The oldest son has taken to sending out a missive daily to his friends and family (not me but my oldest son) about how the virus is just a conspiracy, the lockdown is ridiculous, the death rate is lower than the flu, our rights are being infringed on, etc. He tried sending this to me but I shut it down quickly. One of their goals is to convince everyone around them that it's ok to come over to their house and hang out and have dinner, etc, because they are the most extroverted people I have ever known and they don't like each other and now they are just stuck with their family or themselves. If there were a word for pathological extrovert, it would fit them. The mother, who I was friends with, has even admitted that she can't NOT be connected in person or through the phone with someone almost 24 hours a day (she sleeps with her phone on her pillow she said) because she needs that much interaction.

My issue is NOT that they have a different opinion than I do, different personalities, etc. My issue is their "conversion" stance on everything. Not just about the virus, but about everything. Their 15 year old daughter, friends with my 15 year old son, is constantly berating him for not having an iPhone, for believing that social distancing is important, for everything. I just don't think I can take their arrogance and overbearing nature anymore. Not only are they constantly trying to jam something down our throats that THEY believe, but they are belittling when you don't agree. I was called ignorant for questioning some facts they were throwing at me. There is zero respect for a differing opinion about anything.

I haven't answered any texts lately except to be clear I didn't want to discuss it anymore, but they persist. Of course this is so complicated because my kids are friends with her kids.

Would you think setting clearer boundaries would be the way to go, or completely ignoring this woman and her know it all kids? How in the heck do I let my kids know I don't want to be friends with people like this, but still respect that they are friends with her kids, understanding that they are teenagers and not little kids?

[Anonymous]

TL;DR. After the age of 35 or so, there's no hemming and hawing and debating for me. Friends are friends, and if there is something complicated or there is any "drama," friends are acquantances. And I'm fine with that.

[Anonymous]

I look at it this way: The weird situation is bringing out the weird in your friends, and it's pushing boundaries. But after the restrictions relax, it will be easier to go back to something that looks more like your prior relationship.

However; it did show a side of them that you clearly don't like, so of course the relationship will never be the same.

I agree with above PP that you should just move them to the aquaintences catagory.

FWIW, we have a family friendship where everyone gets along. I'm super-grateful for this family, as the kids (all teens) all get along and their kids are really sweet and the foursome don't get into any trouble. The mom, though, can be pretty snarky with me, and I've had to distance some due to that, but I just keep "my eyes on the prize" which in this situation is the tremendous benefit they are to our family as a whole and my kids in particular.

I think that moment when you realize you have to distance is pretty rough, and in addition to being disappointing, it can be hurtful and depressing. I had to stew with it a while before coming out the other end and deciding what to do.

[Anonymous]

(don't-->doesn't)

[Anonymous]

Just disengage and ignore. You dont need to involve your kids.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are old enough that you can explain why you are backing away from these people for the time being. A simple “We don’t agree on the pandemic” is probably enough for your kids. The kids snarky attitude is another matter. I would shut that down by saying “We have discussed this before and I do not agree.” Repeat. Curious how your kids respond to the other family kids regarding social distancing and phone choice. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. Do your kids stand up for themselves or do they ignore? I think you feel, like me, that there is no benefit from a giant argument. This is a good opportunity for a teaching moment for your kids. Slow fade.

[Anonymous]

Berating is never acceptable. You said it Op. The teen berates your sone. You do NOT put your children in a situation where they are forced to socialize. If they choose to, after you've done what you can to stall the togetherness, I think that's on them. That's their decision re: their friendships.

You, however, are entitled to be friends, accept any invitations, or decline, any invitations you like. You decide. You don't even have to have judged them, judged their actions, judged their opinions. You can just say no because you prefer no.

[Anonymous]

Are your kids enjoying the friendship with these teens? I can't tell if YOU dislike them or your kids do?

I would just ignore their texts, personally. If my kids didn't like them I would suggest we all block them from our phones and focus our attention on other people whose ideals and values align more with ours.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend like this. She ended up using me as well. I dumped her.

[Anonymous]

I have always been very honest and open with my kids, OP, so in this situation I would discuss it with them just as you did here.

My husband is a virologist, and my teens are well-informed and would push back themselves if anyone made weird claims like this family is doing. We would probably all agree to drop them as friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have always been very honest and open with my kids, OP, so in this situation I would discuss it with them just as you did here.

My husband is a virologist, and my teens are well-informed and would push back themselves if anyone made weird claims like this family is doing. We would probably all agree to drop them as friends!

+1. DH and I are both physicians. None of us have time for dangerous insanity. Years ago we dropped a couple for being anti-vaccine. I would definitely drop a family for this dangerous stupidity.

[Anonymous]

This lockdown is bringing out the WORST in people. Back off this relationship for awhile

[Anonymous]

Just let the children be friends if they want to and only engage the parents where the children are concerned and that is it. No explanation.

[Anonymous]

What’s the question here? Drop them. They don’t have the same values as you. That’s different than folks just disagreeing in minor things. Why would you even consider being friends with folks that don’t look at life the same way? Life is way to short to have negative and toxic people in your life! Move on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This lockdown is bringing out the WORST in people. Back off this relationship for awhile

I disagree. It’s not bringing out the worst in people, it’s just showing people for who they truly are. Abs if you don’t like these people, OP, there is no point in continuing to be friends with them.